Red My Lips

Photo credit: DDCE

Content/Trigger Warning: This post includes triggers for PTSD resulting from sexual violence. While it is the focal point of this post there will be NO details about the incident. This is just me, a survivor, expressing how I am feeling after being triggered. I will do my best to give warning to areas that might bring more vivid reminders.

    So, to me it's no surprise that April, the awareness month for sexual violence, I start having my flashback nightmares, aka, night terrors. In my opinion, this is one of the worst ways to be reminded of your trauma aside from having to be where it happened. Sometimes night terrors can be random as hell but sometimes, when you think about it, even the smallest detail could have been your trigger. Others, you thought you might have dealt with your trigger but that night, days. weeks, or even months, later you're it hits you. This post's title was inspired by an organization called Red my Lips that encourages people to wear red lipstick for sexual violence awareness month to spread awareness and speak out against victim blaming a problem many survivors face once becoming public about their assault.

    Do you remember when you were little and you had nightmares that you swore were real? You swore there was a monster in your closet or underneath your bed? Night terrors are like that but on a totally different level. DETAIL WARNING They feel so real, my poor dad, because I was flailing and kicking so much one time I clogged him in the face while he was trying to wake me. It's been 7 years and yet as hard as I try, I remember every last detail and in my dreams I am unable to distract myself for going deeper into it. I feel everything physically, I can recall and relive the whole experience in extreme details.

    These last few months I've had night terrors and an increased in how often and how much thinking about my trauma. Not dealing with my past might be the reason some of yall might be thinking. Not exactly, I've seen sexual assault specific counselors, I've accepted what has happened to me and for 3 years I have been able to live my life without it consumed by my trauma. I'm not a woman hiding behind her laptop blogging about her problems, I am publicly open about my trauma in my personal life too. So what gives? PTSD is a life long conditions, as long as I live, my trauma will always be in the back burner somewhere ready to pounce no matter how well I'm dealing and that is another fact I have to accept.

    I know the culprit of my night terrors though, at least, the cause of tonight's. You see, these last 2 night my family and I would be watching tv and the show would involve sexual assault. Now, for the past 3 years I've been able to I guess, "push through" the unexpected plot of sexual assault but about a month ago this became difficult. So what happens? I shut down. Like many people who deal with PTSD I want to deal with it on my own, my stubbornness has me trying to just push through the scene. Part of my mind tries to concentrate so much on what just happened and the other part is trying to get myself to think of anything but that. I try to remain my composure, act as if I'm just really into whatever I'm doing on my phone but my parents notice. They change the show, make sure I'm ok, and out of not knowing what to do, we just watch whatever else we just put on. "It's stupid," I think, "I've been fine for so long why is this bothering me now?" More anger and frustration settles in.

    When my PTSD becomes more difficult to deal with, without even thinking about it, my body does what it can so it doesn't have to sleep at night. IDK if it's because my trauma took place at night but me, coping, and night time doesn't mix. One of the few perks of bed rest, I can just sleep during the day without it affecting anything. Unfortunately, coping at night sucks because if you actually feel like talking to someone (which is rare) the likelihood of there being someone is slim.

    DETAIL WARNING So what happens when you wake up? Somehow, despite already having this happen in your dream, everything comes flooding back yet again. You're drenched in sweat, hyperventilating and disoriented. So you're stuck trying to calm yourself down while processing. It was a dream, it wasn't actually happening in that very moment, you were asleep on your bed, you're at home, safe, and sound. (And if you're not safe and sound please seek help!) If you haven't passed out from all the crying and hyperventilating hopefully by now you're starting to calm down. Emotionally you start to feel drained and for me, I'm just so deep in thought I don't care to talk, eat or sleep.

    The "it's just a dream" is a load of crap because it's not. Yes, right then and there it wasn't happening but it has happened there's not much more to it. You see, when you're having difficulty with PTSD it's like you're in a different dimension, anytime you're triggered it's like you've gone through the rabbit hole. You become so focused on it, you get stuck on repeat. Previous thoughts, feelings, questions, doubts, etc. come flooding in.

Sorry if this post was just a bunch of rambling nonsense, I just felt like I had to write and post this. Maybe this was just something I needed to do for myself but hopefully, it helped someone out there. Things will get better, and if they aren't you fight for it and make it happen. Once you have dealt with everything and have better times it will come back to you and you will have to face it all over again. I'm sorry it's that way, you never did anything to deserve this, but your battle has made you a warrior. You are not a victim and you are far from alone. Now listen to this song, cry your eyes out and fight on!

Love,
Aly

Staying Honest

It's been awhile since I've posted on here so to remind everyone (or to tell those new here) I remain honest on my blog. I don't tame what I say, I keep it real. I talk about how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. I don't do this to make you feel bad for me. I don't do this because I want attention. I do this for the other people who look at my blog thinking they're alone on their journey.

This is the longest time in awhile I haven't felt good in awhile. Normally I would go through a flare for a couple of weeks maybe a month. I am going on 5 months now. If you know me personally you know I am generally a real positive person. You can tell me we're all dying tomorrow and I would think well at least we have one more day. But these last couple of weeks have been tough. This week I was actually starting to feel good. It made me so excited and happy. But you know how life is.... I guess it truly started when I woke up at 5pm today. I slept almost 12 hours... didn't think much of it at the time. I was a little frustrated but not much.

I went to our churches fish fry and shortly after finishing eating I started to have an upset stomach I thought no biggie I just need to relax and it will go away. So my dad went to get the car and took us home. I rested and started to feel better.

Around midnight I got drank some water and shortly after had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I ended up throwing up alot. I was walking back to our living and I passed out. When my dad woke me up I felt super weak, my dad had to help me A LOT to get me up. I also felt very weird, I sill cant describe it exactly I just felt... weird...

My dad took me to bed and I laid there for awhile and everything slowly went away except the weirdness. I still feel it but  not as intense as earlier. What's also weird is I feel very out of it and exhausted but my body is and looks wide awake (even though I look like death) 

Emotionally, I'm drained...I'm numb...I'm frustrated... I'm stressed... I'm overwhelmed... I sometimes feel like scream, crying and throwing things on the ground. I'm tired.... Sometimes when I can't sleep because of the pain my mind wanders... it goes off and thinks how my life would be if I didn't have to deal with all of this... The education I would have received, the achievements in sports and music I would have accomplished, the friendships I would have made, and then to where I would be right this moment. 

I think about how 50 jumping jacks feels like running 1 1/2 miles.... how playing half of a song feels like I've played for 4 hours... or going to the store to grab a couple things feels like I've been doing errands all day...

I know the people who know me is thinking this isn't the Aly we know. And you maybe right, but we all go through "dark times" I feel this is my time. I know yall think I'm open and honest but truth is sometimes I hide things. I hide how much I hurt because I see how people act if I barely limp in pain or have to hold on to someone or seeing me in a wheelchair. I distract myself and focus on others to avoid revealing how emotionally torn down I am dealing with everything. I had the physical and emotional pain because I see the pain in those I care and love the most and yes in my more naive years I hid it so I won't loose them either. 

Strong people fall, happy people aren't always happy because we're human. If you've ever come to me when you're not feeling a positive mood you know I always say this; We're human we are meant to be imperfect. We're meant to feel both positive and negative feelings. We go through dark times so we can appreciate the good ones even better. That going through rough times make you stronger. so these last couple of weeks I have let myself feel these negative feelings to a degree. Because of all the weight of dealing with everything when I first fell I'll I got really depressed. I would have suicidal thoughts and stuff but never acted on it. So now if I ever get down I make sure I don't get to that point. 

The lesson life has been teaching me recently is to take care of myself. That what I consider being selfish isn't selfish it's my humanness and I need to take care of myself. SO this is me taking care of myself. This is me letting myself go through my emotions. This is me realizing I'm weak and that the only person I should be helping right now is myself. No this won't be an everyday pity party for me... I'm just catching my breath before I pick myself up, dust off, and move on

Beauty in Pain and Suffering.

Now I have to admit, things have definately haven't gone the way I imagined lately.... And for the first time in a long, long time, I've asked myself why... I've gotten down and really depressed, still kinda am but not as bad...

But when  I was questioning why dont I just die or why cant i live life something kept playing in the back of my head, how Saints I've looked up to suffered and took the suffering. Now, I probably went around this the wrong way at first.. maybe still am... I would just not take any meds and not tell anyone (sorry mom and dad) They suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually. They did it for the glory of God. But I cant help but wonder how did they know? Some of them had encounters with God we know about but what about the others? How did they know? I'll admit I haven't been the best Catholic lately, but I do have the faith, I trust that God is doing this for a reason but I just don't know why..

And then there's today... Good Friday... when Christ went through so much torcher, pain and suffereing for the sake of us to have eternal life with him. Now, I am in no way comparing myself to Christ or Saints I'm far from that but it gives me strength in some weird way.

I've accepted that the life God has for me currently is a lot of pain, lost friendships, loneliness, a whole bunch of frustration, tears, and yearning for normalcy. I've accepted that there will be things I cant have and things I can but still have to bust my butt to get. I've accepted that jobs, school, and anything that I will have to be considered "relliable" for will come and go because its my health isn't reliable. I've accepted that the life I have hardly anyone can relate to or come close to even understanding.

I know I've come a long way from 7 years ago but the cycle gets very old... and now that i'm more aquanted with the real world... it sucks even more to try and wade it out or watch how much medication I take because of cost... Or to not complain and fight through so I can make money and go to work instead of going to doctors or hospitals and putting my family's money down the drain.

But that's probably the toughest part. When to fight and push and when to get help. I know anyone in life has issues with that in life such as when their coming down with a cold... It's just hard to keep hope... with hospitals they just get me comfortable run test, find nothing, release me and tell me to talk to my doctors... with my doctors its ok lets talk to all doctors check things out, nothing is ever found.

Now that I have this adhesions problem its a debate to open me or not... you see adhesions can't be seen unless you open the person up. It's a film your body produces and surgery can make it more likely, people can go their whole life with adhesions and not have a single problem, others arent as lucky. The two times they removed adhesions I got lucky because it was a ticking time bomb until i lost whatever part the adhesions was slowly wrapping around. They're occuring more often... and so far, there's no way to prevent them... so its open, remove as much as we can, close me up and hope i'll last for awhile...

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone... be it the physical pain or seeing it affect your loved one. The pain I see in my parents seeing me like this, is the worst pain imaginable... The look on my team of doctors and nurses face.... is just as bad... to see them clueless whats going on and how to help... I've been wondering what's worst, being told you're going to die or being told they don't know whats wrong.

i've also been wondering that what if there's one single underlying cause of this all... something so rare that people who are helping me now dont know about it...

More CFW

So life has recently been so hectic that I never finished my week at camp. I'm going to be brief because of my horrible memory.

The rest of the week went great, Wednesday my group went to the nursing home where two of our site cordinators managed to get a resident to socialize with everyone else. This lady is quiet the kicker! She didn't come out before because she would try to make everyone laugh but they wouldn't and just made her feel not part of the group. I got to spend a lot of time with her she was so sweet! I also met a filipino lady my heart went out to her because she was so exhausted even listening was difficult for her. But she was in better spirit after lunch and when i told her bye in Tagalog she was in a better mood. I got to spend time with this one resident who has left a lasting impact on me. She litterally has no family or friends, they all have past. So she always passes out her bracelets she wins at bingo to girls so she knows she'll be remembered. She reminded me of my nana, her hair was exactly like hers.

Thursday we got to stay on home site and we painted walls. Good thing my headache was gone! It was pretty awesome though to see the bond of my group. We even had some fun with the paint.

Our messiness

Friday was baby beds we basically stacked them up and cleaned up. Then the ladies who distribute them to families in need came and we helped them load up.

As for the faith growing, Wednesday was reconsilation totally misspelled that... It's always very emotional and this year God used me to help a camper who is also a victim/survivor of being molested. It still chokes me up thinking about that.

Thursday is Circle of Love. We sit in a circle, pass around a mic and get to talk about how camp has touched us. I got a couple shout outs and I broke down crying plenty of times.

My blog doesn't do it justice... maybe next time i'll bring my laptop and just write each night.

I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted but there is plenty to write about so hopefully i'll find time to write more soon.

Love,
Aly

one step forward two step back...

So a couple things lately has struck the "touchy" chord for me... I mean its one thing that i'm on my period which means hormonal overload...
it's been managable untill this last string....

A girl from North Texas was kidnapped by her assualter and was murdered. I realize that's a very harsh nutshell but.... that took me a good 20 mins just to write....

This has caused a huge stir inside of me....i feel frozen right now...

you see i use to be afraid to sleep not only because of nightmares...  but fear that they were gonna come and get me...

what freaks me out even more is that this guy disguised himself.......

ok i thought writting about this would help but its not... alright bye.

Getting to the tough issue

So it's taken me sometime to talk more about my rapes. It's not that I don't want to share, well, kinda, it's more of I dont know what I should say and not say... kinda the girl who doesn;t know when to keep her mouth shut. so what I'm going to recommend, if something starts getting to you, STOP. This blog isn't going anywhere (i think) so you can pick up where you left off once you cooled down. This is my way of venting, spreading awareness, and giving others courage.

     I was recently talking to my parents and they told me how people from my church have comed up to them asking questions about my blog. Wow I ACTUALLY have an audience... No names we're mentions just certain occasions and conversations. So what I'm going to try and do is have a question section or see if there's away if not already, to post comments anonymously if wanted. I will try to answer all questions but it might not be ASAP.

     I currently am in therapy if i have not yet mentioned before. For those of you who are seeking help, The Women's Center in Fort Worth. They have free therapy for those who are victims/survivors of rape/domestic abuse they also have therapy for children. The counselors are specficly TRAINED to handle rapes. There is a waiting list but if your assault happened within a year they get you in ASAP. If you are a minor they will send the police to talk to you (its the law) but it is your choice to cooperate, you don't have to say a thing. And, if you ares still in a relationship with the person when they call it always just shows as unknow to keep you safe.

     During therapy my therapist gave me closer, while on my vacation my boyfriend and I had a moment when we were talking about my assaults. He gave me the courage to tell him who the guys were. Until that moment I have been unable to do so. It took awhile but it happened. I constantly talk to my therapist about my fear of having to tell people about my assaults because someone told the police and I have to go through that traumatic experience again. How I go back and forth of if I should or not. Yes I know some of you wonder what's so hard about it, you can save someone else. I KNOW. That is one of the reasons why I want to come out. To save that possible next girl.

     But think about it from my point of view. How would you feel telling people about your first sexual encounter? Over and over again, to complete strangers, and IF your case goes to court having to tell it in front of loved ones who want to support you. embarressment right? Now imagine saying you didn't want that and seeing the look of loved ones face now. Or the fact there's no physical evidence. I see this doing more harm to me than good. Call it selfish, but oh well. My focus is on my life right now. My focus is to continue not being afraid to go to sleep, to not wake up with screaming nightmares. My focus is to try and not be paranoid, to jump at the slightest touch. So does making me live and speak out about what happened to me in as vivid as possible details and possibly see my assaulter(s) again help that? I believe not. I've come to this point where if i have a flashback, which I will time to time my whole life I don't wake up screaming. I've come to knowing that my brain is trying to mess with me at times. I've come to realize my paranoia is unrealistic.

     Yes I'll admit the pros. The guy can get caught before it evolves to more. I can save at least one girl. It MAY help me heal more or give me closer. At the end of it all I probably would be extrememly proud of myself.

     But I'm not perfect and for what it's worth mentioning, my therapist agrees with what I'm doing. Trust me, therapist do NOT lie to you. For those possible victims/survivors I am not saying don't tell at all. So please don't take it that way. I hope to one day be strong enough to come forward. You might think you're the only one that person assaulted chances are, you're not. But say a guy assaulted 10 girls. (I use guys because those were my assaulters it could be either or) 1 girl might have came forward just waiting for one of those other 9 girls to come forward, that will raise the police's eyebrows. Say one more comes up, pretty sure the police would want to prosue this guy now. There are strength in numbers. If this is currently happening to you, go to the doctor or hospital at least. Physical evidence is best in any case. You are not obligated to cooperate with the police, you can even start and stop. But at least they have evidence. To those of you out there who have been through this and have the courage to come forward, I truly look up to you. For those of you who don't think you're strong enough, dig down deep, think of since your assault how far have you came, then ask yourself honestly if you can or can't.

    My therapist challenged me this week to look at how far i've came both in life and since my assaults. I am honestly blown away. I did not realize how truly strong I am. I was always taught modesty and humbleness. To not boast or be cocky. But my therapist pointed out the Christ wasn't afraid, he knew what he was destine to do. He didn't fear what he did and acknowledge his strengths. That I should do the same. I know there's a reason I went through all this. Most likely one of the reasons was to learn to not be afraid to give myself credit or say "hey, i did that." I realized how silly it was of me to lie in my bed at night fearing they were out for me or the police banging on my door. I realize I had a new "monster under the bed" i was afraid of. That I was being childish. The mind is very strong and it tricked me for a very long time but I am in the process of retraining it no you don't have to fear them coming after you, even if they did I will not let them win. Excuse my french, but they sure as hell better not come ANYWHERE near me because if they do, if I don't get them physically, they WILL get a police report. I don't have to worry about the police (more explanation on that later) the people in my life who know won't tell them so I don't have to worry about dealing with them. I am safe in my own bed and alone. I got a light-sleeping dad and alarm. Plus a dog who barks when people come in my room especially at night.

     Oh and one more thing, yes I am a proud Catholic but I have my flaws, in the true me a curse... a lot.. (guess thats what happens when you're a navyman's daughter even if you hardly heard him speak any fowl language) At this time in my life I am stopping the strive for i guess "perfection" and being me. So there will be fowl language time to time. It is how i express my frustration. This blog was made to be honest and cursing is the honest me.  

recap

So I have no idea who reads this, but I'm hoping victims/survivors, loved ones of them etc is reading at least this post. I hope in me talking about my experiences it helps you in some way.

     These last few weeks have been real tough. As I've mentioned my attackers have all been white. The start of my most recent episodes was that a young man came to the door looking for yard work or something to do, I ended up getting hit on by him. Now since i've been out of school this was the first time n a very, very, long time that i got hit on by someone white. At first I was flattered, very flattered acutally, to be called beautiful after being abruptly woken up by a doorbell. But my mind was dwelling on it while i wasnt aware. It started with being more paranoid, i would constantly look all around me when i walked, especially alone, I had my always in reach tazer in hand. Gradually it became worst, i wasnt able to sleep at night, white guys who had already gain my trust i started watching more. Eventually, nightmares started happen an all guys were on high alert levels for me. I still bottled everything in except the complaints to my boyfriend because I didnt want to keep my parents up all night. Last week at its worst (and still kinda is) I can not sleep at night at all, if i do its only for a few hours. I woke up once with screaming and crying nightmares which ended up being only a 3 hour sleep for me. I was at my boyfriends house and my flashback that normally no one could touch me when i was having one, he had broke the wall and is the only one who can hold me and i feel SAFE when currently having one. Which also makes me feel bad because when i say only, that includes my parents...
     But it's frustrating in that, I do all what i can to control and calm down and theres literally nothing else i can do... I want to be more... i'm actually making better progress than most people, but me being me, i always set the bar higher. The best thing to do during flashbacks is bring yourself back to reality. yes, what was in your head actually happened in the past, but isnt happening in the present. Yes, it's frustrating that you have 8317513659 reasons that you are safe but you don't feel it. and yes you just want to sleep all day cuz u didnt during the night but pushing yourself to go to work or your day as usual is nececsary and possible. it will be hard to talk about what u been through and sometimes the people you do feel like you can open up to dont want to hear about it because they might murder someone.... be patient. Therapist are amazing, you figure out things in session but for some reason once you find that one person it 's a huge loaded lifted off you.


Well i'm rambling think this means its time to get off!
Peace, love, and healing
Aly

First time

So this is your warning.
Content is for mature audience only... blah blah they put yeah..
I'm only putting this because I know it can be traumatizing and I might have readers that are young, so this is your WARNING that sexual content is within the topic.
OK moving forward now, this is also my first time blogging/ publicly sharing so yeah bare with me.
     I am to the point in my therapy where I have control of my body. But I am still not full healed because honestly, I don't think one ever fully heals after being raped. You just learn how to continue on and not let every little thing get to you. I am to the point where I go months without triggers etc but then my mind will start thinking about it so i have the tossing and turn, flashback nightmares, etc we PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) have. But I'm proud of myself. It's not once a week, there's times between, I no longer wake up screaming in the middle of the night and so much more.
     I use to not be able to go to certain areas, certain smells set me off, every day "humor" about rapes got to me so bad, just about anything could start a trigger for me. I was use to hiding things because of always being constantly in pain. But sometimes it was noticeable i was leaving but unsure why. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Yall who know me know that i'm pretty good at composing myself, if I'm upset I don't show the whole world but I also can't help it at times. At the same time I'm emotional. But the normal kind of emotional. I see girls who get worked up about the stupidest things.... I can't stand that! Yet when I was dealing with this every little thing set me off but I just buried it deeper inside.
     I struggled with depression, times where i would just be in my room or bathroom and cry.... I would have a war inside my body,
                  "should i cut?.. no, no, no, no..... you're smarter than that.... well how about kill myself... no.. not that either doing that would just devastate everyone and make the haters feel like they won.... but i don't want to live anymore...i know, i know, but just remember, everything has a reason,.... yeah, but maybe if i do something the pain would stop just for a little bit... Alyssa, stop...."
     I was always able to coach my way through those situations and even my flashbacks but it was still difficult. I knew everyone could tell I was fighting a battle but I wonder if they really knew how bad. Quite frankly, I'm lucky to have never been in the crazy ward and I believe that's because of my faith.
     But getting back to why I started this post... It's something that's been bugging me and I try to work on. You see, what happened to me was done by one race, that's the only thing these three guys have in common, they're race, and ever since then I not only have my wall built higher for everyone especially guys, but for this race. Those who have assault me through out the years were white... some of you are thinking you know so many white people though. Yes I do, but most of them I've known since I was little and they're like brothers to me. So I have no fear around them, I know they wouldn't do that to me and I know if they found out who these guys were they would have to dig a hole to bury bodies in. But every guy who wasn't one I've known my whole life had a huge barrier. The other week I mention how this 19 yr old was looking for extra money and he ended up hitting on me cuz he thought i was pretty. It sucks because this caused a trigger. I hardly ever get hit on by white guys and the first thing to pop in my mind was that he just wanted to get some. I know it's an unfair stereotype but sometimes you cant help it... Just a couple nights ago they cleared up and it had me reflecting on how I've been and I feel bad because the barrier is so high for white guys in my life whether they're young or old it doesn't matter. I thought it use to be guys who were straight up gingers, the really red hair and pale skin but obviously it's not.
     I know a lot of you are going to think I don't need to say this but I just want to apologize to those of you who are white and those of you who are a guy, I know I shouldn;t judge you for someone else's actions but I can't help it