Lost

Note this is a real personal blog entry.

Tonight we got word that my uncle in the Philippines died. It's bittersweet, he has been suffering for years with illnesses and is now at rest and no longer in pain but it's sad I never got to meet him.. I really don't know where I came from. My uncle was the only immediate biological family on my mom's side we had. Now don't get me wrong I'm thankful for the families that "adopted" us, but I wonder where I came from, why I am the way I am. Besides my family I have met very little of my biological relatives. Some full relative and other half relatives.... but I cant help but feel an emptiness.... everyone talks about how it is with their relatives and how much they look alike but I have no idea... My mom said when I was little I was a spitting image of my Aunt. I've seen a few pictures from my cousins and when I was little saw some pictures they would send but after awhile the phone calls and letters stopped. This was most likely because they did not have the money to do so. My mom was from a poor part of the Philippines. And I know some people are thinking "be grateful for what you have" or "at least you know who your parents are" and while yes this is all true I deserve to be down in the dumps too.

But what I'm mostly afraid of is how my mom will get through this. My mom is very emotional, to points it affects her diabetes and blood pressure we almost have to take her to the hospital because of her hysterical crying and carrying on.... That's why I cringe whenever there is bad news to give my mom. Although we had no idea this was coming. It was crazy though, my mom told my dad earlier today she felt like something bad was going to happen and she was right.

It's really hard on my mom because like many third world countries out there they think those who live in America have so much money. Most of yall probably are in America that reads this and know money isn't that easy. With my family we have just barely enough to live paycheck to paycheck. But I know my mom is feeling the guilt of not being able to send more. She knows deep down inside that there was nothing she could do but still feels the guilt.

After my mom calmed down I went to bed and told my boyfriend and all the tears just came out.... And something I wasn't expecting to hear came from him, he told me to say the rosary and divine mercy chaplet. My boyfriend and I are both catholic and we have faith but have been lacking in the devoting part. We ask each other to pray for one another when we need it and we truly believe in our faith but I guess the only excuse we can have is life gets in the way of the whole going to mass and things of that matter. So I wasn't quiet expecting that to come out of his mouth. But maybe it's a sign... because of things that has happened within my church I've stopped going. But maybe its a sign, oh who am i kidding, God is showing me he wants me back. I want to so bad but the things that has happened at my church makes it so uncomfortable to be there...  But I know this is an adventure I should take up and I'm going to try with all my might to do so.

Well that's all I got for right now. And for all yall that has read all this thank you. Although I know some might come across this that I don't want to but oh well. All I can say is just because my family has issues that yours don't or I sin differently than you doesn't make you or me any better than each other so stop judging. Might sound harsh but that's the truth. And your words and actions may have hurt me before but I am going to do my best to not let you have the upper hand to where I avoid certain places because that's not who I am and how my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be strong, yeah you might have knocked me down for awhile but I will ALWAYS get right back up.

A typical young adult thought...

That sums up how i'm feeling right now... Tempted to go into things that is easy money to get me by but not really wanting to unless I'm really desperate... And then I think about college and how I need to save up for that but I also need a car.... 

     

From that I think what do I want to do/major in. Yes my dream is to do Art therapy but i'm trying to be realistic too... And the problem I always have is i love everything I try to do that I have so many options instead of narrowing it down... which gets frustrating... There's also the problem of trying to be realistic but not settling for less... I still have the dream of being a marine bilogist so I can live and breathe nothing but dolphins at work. 

I know people go through what i'm going through all the time with so much uncertaincy but man can it bug the crap out of someone!!

Sorry I needed to vent. Aly out!

A short goodbye to Texas???

So I'm currently suffering a bad flare of my IBS... right now feels more like Crohn's but basically i'm having stomach issues. I saw my doctor today and he wants to see if he can get me into Mayo Clinic. For those of you who don't know Mayo Clinic is a St Jude's for rare/crohnic/multiple illnesses. They have 3 locations Arizona, Florida, and Minnesota.

This is ver overwhelmming for me because most liekly only one parent can come while the other one stays and work. Money onviously is a big factor and i gotta leave home.... home where both my parents are, family comes and visit, my dog, and boyfriend is.... all of which keep me going... I'm really scared and although it hasn't been confirmed yet if i'm going... it's scary... Its proven time and time again at home comfort helps me heal the most. And we dont know how long i'll have to be at whichever place i go...

This is really heavy on me i can't sleep.... More updates to follow but please keep us in your prayers... idk how we're gonna make it but we will....

More CFW

So life has recently been so hectic that I never finished my week at camp. I'm going to be brief because of my horrible memory.

The rest of the week went great, Wednesday my group went to the nursing home where two of our site cordinators managed to get a resident to socialize with everyone else. This lady is quiet the kicker! She didn't come out before because she would try to make everyone laugh but they wouldn't and just made her feel not part of the group. I got to spend a lot of time with her she was so sweet! I also met a filipino lady my heart went out to her because she was so exhausted even listening was difficult for her. But she was in better spirit after lunch and when i told her bye in Tagalog she was in a better mood. I got to spend time with this one resident who has left a lasting impact on me. She litterally has no family or friends, they all have past. So she always passes out her bracelets she wins at bingo to girls so she knows she'll be remembered. She reminded me of my nana, her hair was exactly like hers.

Thursday we got to stay on home site and we painted walls. Good thing my headache was gone! It was pretty awesome though to see the bond of my group. We even had some fun with the paint.

Our messiness

Friday was baby beds we basically stacked them up and cleaned up. Then the ladies who distribute them to families in need came and we helped them load up.

As for the faith growing, Wednesday was reconsilation totally misspelled that... It's always very emotional and this year God used me to help a camper who is also a victim/survivor of being molested. It still chokes me up thinking about that.

Thursday is Circle of Love. We sit in a circle, pass around a mic and get to talk about how camp has touched us. I got a couple shout outs and I broke down crying plenty of times.

My blog doesn't do it justice... maybe next time i'll bring my laptop and just write each night.

I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted but there is plenty to write about so hopefully i'll find time to write more soon.

Love,
Aly

one step forward two step back...

So a couple things lately has struck the "touchy" chord for me... I mean its one thing that i'm on my period which means hormonal overload...
it's been managable untill this last string....

A girl from North Texas was kidnapped by her assualter and was murdered. I realize that's a very harsh nutshell but.... that took me a good 20 mins just to write....

This has caused a huge stir inside of me....i feel frozen right now...

you see i use to be afraid to sleep not only because of nightmares...  but fear that they were gonna come and get me...

what freaks me out even more is that this guy disguised himself.......

ok i thought writting about this would help but its not... alright bye.

oops! back to the weekend!

So I failed to mention a huge chunk in my story... You see, my faith is strong but my imperfections are great. I was excited for camp but as camp got closer i started doubting if i should be there. I didn't want to be one of those people who was do as i say not as I do. I was going to remain honest to campers no matter what. It felt really awkward at first because some people there were tremendously in faith and I honestly felt like I was experiencing something new when for the most part I wasn't. I felt like I was going to mass after not being there for a month, its an overwhelming feeling. It felt as if someone pushed me into the deep end of the pool when i just barely new how to swim. Yeah... scary... I quickly learn that my hardest issue would be my potty mouth. Yes, I curse... a lot! At work I can control it and I don't use it a lot online but when it's just me and people who i know won't give me crap about it I use it. But by Sunday morning my potty mouth was very much in control.

     Like I said on the weekend post, we have some of our own faith growing activities and it was different for me in that I didn't get the indescribable feeling like I always did. Which was weird because i was pouring my heart out. I did start to feel it but it wasn't the usual suddent overwhelmingness I would get. Which made me doubt even more why I should be here. I mean they would be find without me right? Besides, yeah I knew everyone on a-team but i wasn't that close to anyone it wouldn't be like they would miss me. In fact i was sure that if i left by wednesday they wouldn't even have thought about me.

     So saturday night i started texting my boyfriend, my best friend who also attended camp the same number of years as me, and my dad. Both my best friend and boyfriend were point blank saying i should be there. My boyfriend swore I deserved to be there expecially feeling the way I did, my dad also pointed that out. My best friend told me about her camp experience this year and offered prayers. At this point I'm balling my eyes out because I'm so lost and confused. Then one of the a-team girls saw me passing by trying to wipe my tears before she could see me but i was too late, i was caught. So we went into one of the bathrooms for privacy and just talked. She made me feel like I wasn't alone but at the end I was still confused. My dad was still texting me and was reassuring me that i was there for a reason but it was my choice to stay or not.  But I needed someone else to talk to still so I called my "camp sister" I explained how I was feeling and she explained she was going through similar things and that she was there for me. But then, I got a feeling I haven't felt in about a year... I was feelng suicidal. My mind started racing even more. I've been taking my meds so its not that, yeah this situation isnt the best but why am I feeling suicidal. I told my dad and because of is sense of helplessness because he wasn;t there he kind of blew up on me but my camp sister was there to help me sort through my feelings. At this point I was drained and just decided t try and sleep with no decision made.

   I woke up Sunday not having any negative thoughts in mind and just ready to pour myself into what i was doing.

Getting to the tough issue

So it's taken me sometime to talk more about my rapes. It's not that I don't want to share, well, kinda, it's more of I dont know what I should say and not say... kinda the girl who doesn;t know when to keep her mouth shut. so what I'm going to recommend, if something starts getting to you, STOP. This blog isn't going anywhere (i think) so you can pick up where you left off once you cooled down. This is my way of venting, spreading awareness, and giving others courage.

     I was recently talking to my parents and they told me how people from my church have comed up to them asking questions about my blog. Wow I ACTUALLY have an audience... No names we're mentions just certain occasions and conversations. So what I'm going to try and do is have a question section or see if there's away if not already, to post comments anonymously if wanted. I will try to answer all questions but it might not be ASAP.

     I currently am in therapy if i have not yet mentioned before. For those of you who are seeking help, The Women's Center in Fort Worth. They have free therapy for those who are victims/survivors of rape/domestic abuse they also have therapy for children. The counselors are specficly TRAINED to handle rapes. There is a waiting list but if your assault happened within a year they get you in ASAP. If you are a minor they will send the police to talk to you (its the law) but it is your choice to cooperate, you don't have to say a thing. And, if you ares still in a relationship with the person when they call it always just shows as unknow to keep you safe.

     During therapy my therapist gave me closer, while on my vacation my boyfriend and I had a moment when we were talking about my assaults. He gave me the courage to tell him who the guys were. Until that moment I have been unable to do so. It took awhile but it happened. I constantly talk to my therapist about my fear of having to tell people about my assaults because someone told the police and I have to go through that traumatic experience again. How I go back and forth of if I should or not. Yes I know some of you wonder what's so hard about it, you can save someone else. I KNOW. That is one of the reasons why I want to come out. To save that possible next girl.

     But think about it from my point of view. How would you feel telling people about your first sexual encounter? Over and over again, to complete strangers, and IF your case goes to court having to tell it in front of loved ones who want to support you. embarressment right? Now imagine saying you didn't want that and seeing the look of loved ones face now. Or the fact there's no physical evidence. I see this doing more harm to me than good. Call it selfish, but oh well. My focus is on my life right now. My focus is to continue not being afraid to go to sleep, to not wake up with screaming nightmares. My focus is to try and not be paranoid, to jump at the slightest touch. So does making me live and speak out about what happened to me in as vivid as possible details and possibly see my assaulter(s) again help that? I believe not. I've come to this point where if i have a flashback, which I will time to time my whole life I don't wake up screaming. I've come to knowing that my brain is trying to mess with me at times. I've come to realize my paranoia is unrealistic.

     Yes I'll admit the pros. The guy can get caught before it evolves to more. I can save at least one girl. It MAY help me heal more or give me closer. At the end of it all I probably would be extrememly proud of myself.

     But I'm not perfect and for what it's worth mentioning, my therapist agrees with what I'm doing. Trust me, therapist do NOT lie to you. For those possible victims/survivors I am not saying don't tell at all. So please don't take it that way. I hope to one day be strong enough to come forward. You might think you're the only one that person assaulted chances are, you're not. But say a guy assaulted 10 girls. (I use guys because those were my assaulters it could be either or) 1 girl might have came forward just waiting for one of those other 9 girls to come forward, that will raise the police's eyebrows. Say one more comes up, pretty sure the police would want to prosue this guy now. There are strength in numbers. If this is currently happening to you, go to the doctor or hospital at least. Physical evidence is best in any case. You are not obligated to cooperate with the police, you can even start and stop. But at least they have evidence. To those of you out there who have been through this and have the courage to come forward, I truly look up to you. For those of you who don't think you're strong enough, dig down deep, think of since your assault how far have you came, then ask yourself honestly if you can or can't.

    My therapist challenged me this week to look at how far i've came both in life and since my assaults. I am honestly blown away. I did not realize how truly strong I am. I was always taught modesty and humbleness. To not boast or be cocky. But my therapist pointed out the Christ wasn't afraid, he knew what he was destine to do. He didn't fear what he did and acknowledge his strengths. That I should do the same. I know there's a reason I went through all this. Most likely one of the reasons was to learn to not be afraid to give myself credit or say "hey, i did that." I realized how silly it was of me to lie in my bed at night fearing they were out for me or the police banging on my door. I realize I had a new "monster under the bed" i was afraid of. That I was being childish. The mind is very strong and it tricked me for a very long time but I am in the process of retraining it no you don't have to fear them coming after you, even if they did I will not let them win. Excuse my french, but they sure as hell better not come ANYWHERE near me because if they do, if I don't get them physically, they WILL get a police report. I don't have to worry about the police (more explanation on that later) the people in my life who know won't tell them so I don't have to worry about dealing with them. I am safe in my own bed and alone. I got a light-sleeping dad and alarm. Plus a dog who barks when people come in my room especially at night.

     Oh and one more thing, yes I am a proud Catholic but I have my flaws, in the true me a curse... a lot.. (guess thats what happens when you're a navyman's daughter even if you hardly heard him speak any fowl language) At this time in my life I am stopping the strive for i guess "perfection" and being me. So there will be fowl language time to time. It is how i express my frustration. This blog was made to be honest and cursing is the honest me.  

First time

So this is your warning.
Content is for mature audience only... blah blah they put yeah..
I'm only putting this because I know it can be traumatizing and I might have readers that are young, so this is your WARNING that sexual content is within the topic.
OK moving forward now, this is also my first time blogging/ publicly sharing so yeah bare with me.
     I am to the point in my therapy where I have control of my body. But I am still not full healed because honestly, I don't think one ever fully heals after being raped. You just learn how to continue on and not let every little thing get to you. I am to the point where I go months without triggers etc but then my mind will start thinking about it so i have the tossing and turn, flashback nightmares, etc we PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) have. But I'm proud of myself. It's not once a week, there's times between, I no longer wake up screaming in the middle of the night and so much more.
     I use to not be able to go to certain areas, certain smells set me off, every day "humor" about rapes got to me so bad, just about anything could start a trigger for me. I was use to hiding things because of always being constantly in pain. But sometimes it was noticeable i was leaving but unsure why. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Yall who know me know that i'm pretty good at composing myself, if I'm upset I don't show the whole world but I also can't help it at times. At the same time I'm emotional. But the normal kind of emotional. I see girls who get worked up about the stupidest things.... I can't stand that! Yet when I was dealing with this every little thing set me off but I just buried it deeper inside.
     I struggled with depression, times where i would just be in my room or bathroom and cry.... I would have a war inside my body,
                  "should i cut?.. no, no, no, no..... you're smarter than that.... well how about kill myself... no.. not that either doing that would just devastate everyone and make the haters feel like they won.... but i don't want to live anymore...i know, i know, but just remember, everything has a reason,.... yeah, but maybe if i do something the pain would stop just for a little bit... Alyssa, stop...."
     I was always able to coach my way through those situations and even my flashbacks but it was still difficult. I knew everyone could tell I was fighting a battle but I wonder if they really knew how bad. Quite frankly, I'm lucky to have never been in the crazy ward and I believe that's because of my faith.
     But getting back to why I started this post... It's something that's been bugging me and I try to work on. You see, what happened to me was done by one race, that's the only thing these three guys have in common, they're race, and ever since then I not only have my wall built higher for everyone especially guys, but for this race. Those who have assault me through out the years were white... some of you are thinking you know so many white people though. Yes I do, but most of them I've known since I was little and they're like brothers to me. So I have no fear around them, I know they wouldn't do that to me and I know if they found out who these guys were they would have to dig a hole to bury bodies in. But every guy who wasn't one I've known my whole life had a huge barrier. The other week I mention how this 19 yr old was looking for extra money and he ended up hitting on me cuz he thought i was pretty. It sucks because this caused a trigger. I hardly ever get hit on by white guys and the first thing to pop in my mind was that he just wanted to get some. I know it's an unfair stereotype but sometimes you cant help it... Just a couple nights ago they cleared up and it had me reflecting on how I've been and I feel bad because the barrier is so high for white guys in my life whether they're young or old it doesn't matter. I thought it use to be guys who were straight up gingers, the really red hair and pale skin but obviously it's not.
     I know a lot of you are going to think I don't need to say this but I just want to apologize to those of you who are white and those of you who are a guy, I know I shouldn;t judge you for someone else's actions but I can't help it

IS this real life?? And many thank yous

All I can say is wow! Today is the day I graduate high school. I never thought this day would come. For those of you who don't know me, since middle school I've been on an uphill battle with multiple illnesses that took forever to diagnos and numerous doctors (some that were fired by my family) to get to where I am today. The reason I never thought I would graduate was not because I had trouble in school, I was always in honor and AP programs back in public school, but the daily battle I had with my body. Getting up was so tough let alone get ready for school. That's what brought me to Cassata. It's a self pace private high school. You work on your own and your teacher is there to help and push you. Unlike most schools, it was only 3 hours. But that was too much for my body at times. Because I was smart I could have finished school in 1-2 year(s). But because I wasn't at school it took longer. Now, because I am focusing on moving on, I just got my GED to get school over with. But still, it was hard work. The GED test was easy but I still feel those gruesome hours working on school work, pages of notebook paper, and heavy textbooks up and down killer stairs paid of.

     And with class, I stick it to all those haters and nonbelievers. You tried to tear me down through out the years but you didn't win. You may have knocked me down but I got back up my God is bigger than any storm you try to give me. You said stuff like my pain wasn't real, I was getting my grades handed to me, and even considered me a dropout when I transferred schools. You tried to get my family in trouble with the law, it's called homebound keyword, HOME. You tried to intimidate my family and I to think we had no chance elsewhere when we did. There's a quote I found it talks about how people rain on your parade because they are tired of the shade from your sunshine and Taylor Swift says it herself, "people throw rocks at things that shine" well all the negative you gave me became a positive. You fueled me to work and fight harder. I appreciate the little thing more because of what you said and did. I am so greatful for every moment in my life. And so, I also want to thank you all you haters and nonbelievers, sometimes we need negativity instead of all positivity to push us forward and well, that's what you did. I would also like to say that I forgive you as well. 

     And now for some happier things!

     I would like to give thanks and praise to those who did believe in me and who stuck by my side especially since the begining. You guys are awesome! Even if you didn't know what to say or do you just showed your love to me and lifted my spirits. Your prayers helped heal me. A special thanks to all those who came to visit me in the hospital, kept me company via facebook, texting, etc, and to those who went above and beyond. But also yall treated me normal like nothing was wrong which means so much to me as well.

     My high school sweetheart who had issues of his own but would drop everything asap to be there for me. Who held me when I wasn't feeling good. Who was honest to me good or bad, who came to the hospital to be with me when he absolutely hates them, and who also stayed with me even though because of all my sickness I reminded him of his deceased mother. I will always love you and will never love anyone like I love you, your tenderness always helped. Just talking to you or getting a hug even smelling your scent always calmed me down when nothing else did. Sometimes hearing things from you even if I heard it from the rest of the world stuck when you said it. 

     To my church, from rosaries, chaplets, and just regular prayer you guys lifted my soul to God and not only heal me physically but spiritually. You were there for me and my family. You guys were the ones who kept my parents and I out of the crazy house. From all this to rides, and more you helped my family tremendously. 

     To my school, I have to specifically mention Mrs. Martin, Mrs. Fowler, Mr. Anderson, and Mrs. Cheatham. Man, you guys are really the best thing ever. You always made sure I was okay, made me laugh when I needed it, guide me through life, support me, and push me. When the decision came to get my GED instead of diploma and I wasn't sure yall reassured me that this is what's best for me. That although I was close it was time to move on with my life and that I'll be just find. It is because of yall along with other teachers that I will smile when I look back at my years at Cassata. 

     To my girls most of yall i've known since kindergarten. Even though distance and time kept us apart off and on we would act like it never happened. You girls have my heart and I love yall so much. Thanks for being there for me at all times. I will always have crazy memories of us but also sincere moments where we had deep conversations.

     To all those who have treated me medically, without your perservernce man, I have no idea where I would be. From finding what's wrong with me to treating me with the most affect way that wouldnt make other things worst or cost too much you guys worked so hard.
    To those new to my life now, yall accepted me for who I am. You help push me and do your best to help but also treat me normal and not like some china doll. Yall watch out for me and aren't afraid to ask question about my illnesses.
     But most of all, to my family. My brother and his family for being there when they can, helping me get out when I was feeling well enough. Other members who would pray for us and send encouraging words. And of course, my parents. You saw me suffer through so much pain, I learned how that felt when Mikey was sick and dad had pneoumia. You want to do anything you possibly can to help even if it was taking the pain yourself. But all that you could was comfort me and give me meds and thats all, even then sometimes it didnt work. Your sacrifice of work hours, sleep, and money will forever be appreciated. You guys are my rock. Yall formed me into the woman I am today and I am forever greatful for everything. We have our ups and downs but as far as I'm concern, yall are the best parents ever. Yeah you could have laid off on the overprotectiveness but I understand that you want to protect your child, especially your youngest.
Well, I should get some shut eye! Got a long day tomorrow!