Am I Allowing God's Will?

Ok so I apologize now if this post is weird, I'm currently working on this on my phone so we'll see how this goes!

Now, I know you're either thinking based on the title this is how to reflect on if you're allowing God's will to be done or you think this is a very bizarre topic for me to talk about but both are wrong.

This is a reflection I just had moments ago which is why I'm taking the risk of writing this on my phone instead of waiting until later. I will say I did take pain meds about 2 hours ago so if I make no sense, thank the meds. Lol

So why am I wondering if I'm letting God's  will be done? (This might be borderline TMI for some of yall) Well, I have been medically on birth control for several female reproductive illnesses I battle, and thanks to a youth minister I was informed the church is ok with women being on birth control if it is for medical reasons and there aren't any other options or those options didn't work out.

Anyway, I get a shot every 3 months for my birth control rather than taking a pill everyday. Unfortunately, these last 2 months my medication has stopped working and my doctor has informed me she wants me not to have a period at all which means no estrogen for me. My birth control has to be progesterone only. So after learning the differences between the two I went to all my spoonie groups and asked for suggestions. Up until one point, it was either stay on my shot or try a thing they implant to the inside of your arm. Well, with that implant there is a wide variety of responses to it. So wide, I wasn't comfortable asking my doctor about it. Everything else I was suggested would most likely be shot down by my doctor because you either still get your period or it has estrogen in it. And the only other option to stop the pain and cycle is to get my tubes tied like many women have to do because of one of these illnesses. One girl was telling me this and I told her that I will not let a doctor do so no matter how much pain I would have to do because I wanted to have have children.

But that is when a lovely lady informed me how to find progesterone only pills. Which thrilled me! I could stay on those pills or go a more semi permanent route and get the implant the pill works out. Yay! Game plan!

Later on, as I'm laying in bed I started thinking about all my dreams in life but I was also thinking about God and how I truly want to be what I feel God wants me to be. And then it hit me, am I being selfish? Apart of pursuing the vocation of marriage, you and your spouse have to be open when it comes to children. You allow God the potential to havr children. For some people, having children doesn't happen and there are differences in feelings with that news.

Everyone who knows me knows I LOVE children, I'm dubbed an aunt to many of my friend's  kiddo, I help with advice when they don't know what to do and it is known that if I'm feeling well enough I'll be a mommy helper or babysitter, and expect very little in return. I have and will always want children. In fact, it is that very reason that I stopped pursuing religious life because I felt called to bare child.

But a lot has happened since then, including my female issues getting worse. Tonight I started questioning if that was a sign from God or if this struggle is something I'm supposed to go through. Am I being selfish? That my dream and want for a child is blinding me from doing what God truly wants me to do? Or am I on the right path in refusing a procedure that wouldn't allow me to have children?

Hard stuff. And frankly, I have no clue! I'm going back and forth in my head seeing signs of both sides. I haven't dig deeper into the church's teaching on vasectomy, I plan on doing so later on so maybe when I read that it'll help me see a clearer  picture. I truly hope so because  I owe it to God, if it wasnt for him, I would be 6 feet under in all seriousness. I may not be what other catholics feel how a Catholic should be and think, but I'm being me. And since having Pope Francis, it seems as if my approach on the world and others are acceptable. The areas I'm not is to be expected though, we're human, we have to mess up/sin somewhere. It's not an excuse but the truth. One I have struggled with while I was in high school but that's another blog post.

So what's the point of all this? Purposely, nothing. This is just me talking about my life, letting yall in and helping myself out. And who knows, maybe there is a purpose! Maybe one of yall have something that will help me figure things out! Or hearing my story will help you!

I'm not saying everyone needs to rethink their dreams and change them because you think you're being selfish. Most likely, if you are of faith and probably several who aren't of faith, your dreams involve the gifts God has given you, and if you are of faith, you have opened yourself to God, you have allowed him in when it comes to what path to take. But we are human and we do mess up. When you think about it, it can be difficult to figure things out. Something bad can be something you're supposed to deal with to reach your goal or it can be the devil trying to stir you away. Same can be said about good things that happen, great things can be happening but that's the devil pulling you in or it can be God saying, "yes! You are doing the right thing and I'm proud of you." That is where prayer and developing a relationship with God comes in handy. And not just the 5 second prayer to ask for a sign, but a true and genuine prayer allowing yourself to have a conversation with God.

I think it is wise to think about your goals and dreams sometimes and question asking if you're doing God's will. But letting it consume you isn't what God wants because that will stir you away from the present which we all should be living in.

Until next time,

Aly

Being human

Lately the media has been surround by a certain specfic topic. What is it you ask? Death. But Aly, death is all around us it happens day to day. Indeed it doe,s but because of some taboo/bizarre cases it's making waves.

From ebola, ISIS, and more, it's hard not to hear something about it.

Recently things has slowly hit home for me. I live in Texas and we've been somewhat a hub for ebola crossing. The first nurse who contracted ebola in fact, went to a church camp I went to before me. Then I saw a heart breaking video about a couple who gave birth to their son who didn't survive a month because of multiple health problems. These parents on multiple occasions saw their son die and brought back to life. Each time it was harder to watch and it looked like it was harder on them as well. It reminded me of my parents but this case was far greater. It stung a little more because I have a great friend lost her baby and she was in a similar situation.

And then we have Brittany.

For those of you who may not know (or suffering from brain fog) Brittany was a California woman who was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Every avenue showed her life was going to end despite what they did. So Brittany and her family moved to a state that has a "Death with Diginity" law. Brittany could take a pill that would end her suffering and life. 

This has been a very conversational topic.

For the record yes, I know the church's stand on life and death. 

I know each life is sacred. 

Yes, Christ suffered agony in a horrible way and died.

 Some religious people would find it honorable to go through something similar. 

But the truth is, not everyone is religious.

And everyone receives God/life/the universe's answer, path, what have you differently.

I'm told me out of all people I should understand the most  when expressing my point of view.

 But that's the exact point.

I am a human being, who deals with chronic pain, meds, doctor's appointments, hospital visits, surgery, treatment etc.

I am a human being who's battle mainly rest on my health.

I, as a human being go through the darkest thoughts because of this (sometimes)

Now, hold on yall don't call 911 on me, I'm perfectly safe and not suicidal. 

 The thing is people have different definition of dignity. 

For the church it's until natural death. 

For others is fighting until their last breath. 

For others it's being sedated to die in peace. 

And for others it's being able to die without pain. 

All these options, I understand.

It angers me honestly when people try to make their case. I wholeheartedly feel that no one can honestly express what they would do in that situation. Yes, this can go against people's morals but when you're in certain situations, big or small, we do things we wouldn't do. 

I keep saying how in bedded in my head seeing people I'm closest to seeing me in agony. I've seen my parents cry because they can't do anything.  I've also seen my parents in pain and it hurts just as much. It's a haunting memory thinking about my sleep deprived parents being up with me when I'm screaming in pain, or waking me up after passing out, the glazed over look of feeling so many emotions and trying to find a way to help.

And what makes that all worse is there isn't. They can pray, maybe rub my back or play with my hair, but most the time, the only true thing they can do is make me take my meds and be with me.

I understand Brittany and her desires. She was told "you're going to die this year and it's not going to be fun" and Brittany did what she felt was what she needed to do. She took life by the horns and fulfilled her bucket list. But that's the thing, this was HER decision. Her family and husband and understood that and their outpour of support for their daughter is admirable and something all loved ones, especially parents, need to take note. But that topic is for another post... 

No, this is not the answer for every terminally sick person. But any and all health decision is the patient's with consultant of their doctor. Brittany and her family sounded like wise people especially since they moved states in order to fulfill her desire. So I think it's safe to say they did their research and weighed out every option including chemotherapy. This also kinda rubs on a topic for later (all medical treatment should be between doctor and patient, changing laws and stuff all because some junkies or prescription happy doctors abuse some meds doesn't help those who truly need it and in fact, makes doctor's hesitant to prescribe these meds) Yes, this isn't a decision that can be made in a single doctor's visit. The only people who are allowed to take the med are those with terminal illnesses, so you won't see someone like me, who's in chronic pain with no risk to my life being prescribed the med.

So I now ask you, with an open mind, how would you feel if your loved ones saw you day to day getting weaker and weaker? Your body is shutting down, you feel immense pain, things happen that you don't remember and all the people who love you can do is be there. They're stuck watching until you breathe your last breath. They're there watching every breath you take and don't. Being so weak you can barely keep your eyes open. They see you crying and screaming in pain. They're there seeing all of this and more.

Having been in that situation minus the terminal side it eats me up. I know they won't abandoned me but I don't want those who love me see me like that. But then again I wouldn't want to be alone. A couple months ago I passed out so bad that I was put in in the trauma area of the ER from passing out luckily I didn't do major damage. I don't remember most of that night. I remember waking up confused and my parents in distress.  They explained what happened and what I did and I denied it because I had no memory of it.

Couple months later I was told there's something wrong with my heart. I've never been so scared in my life. (despite being told it's something minor) Through my 8 years I did wonder if I was fighting for my life but from what I saw and told I was fine so I never gave it much thought until my little heart condition was addressed. Up until my cardio visit I kept thinking "what if" to help me if I was given bad news. Luckily, I was told what I have isn't fatal.

But I'm tired of this "you should know" stuff when implying against this law. 

As a human being who faces chronic pain, yes, I DO KNOW better than most. Which makes me able to think about how people's condition can become worse. I understand not wanting my death to be traumatic to my loved ones.Who wants their loved ones last memory be were nurses and doctors surrounding you trying to bring you back to life or seizing like crazy. Me? Absolutley not. If I was giving the choice to changed that situation would I? I'm not sure. 

Being on bed rest isn't fun and I can't imagine how difficult it would be knowing that I was confined to that bed until I died. I would have wished I done more things on my bucket list. And for people in Brittany situation, being healthy but then falling sick and told you have a terminal illness, it probably would have been a regret of taking those little moments for granted. But she died the way she wanted, she left this world with her diginity. It may be morbid to some people but she died advocating something she was passionate about and felt that people in her situation as human beings and an American, should be able to decide on their own through their doctor and not through politics.  

I completely understand the religion and moral side to this. But I also understand being human in never ending pain. None of us can truly understand being personally diagnosed (not someone you know) with a terminal illness which makes us unable to understand.

The Meltdown

 "Upset" by sexfiend

This is part two of this series. Click here to read Part 1

This is where some people may draw the line, where what I'm about to say is considered "too personal." But then this blog would be pointless.  

I'll admit I tend to be emotional but never dramatic. But for the past couple of weeks I have noticed things building up and for the first time in awhile, I have not a clue what to do, I'm upset, I just want this pain to end and I want it gone now. I want to be able to go to school and work, I want to drive, I feel like I've been stuck at 15 in certain ways and it sucks. I don't want to be treated like a child or an elder, I hate it, I'm sick of my life revolving around my illnesses and it makes me mad.
And it sucks because people try to help me, but besides prayers all they can do is tell me "everything is going to be alright" etc... but right now, I don't want to hear it. Those words get so old so quick. I know people have good intentions but just because they do doesn't require me to take it that way. Surprisingly, this includes my family both biological and spoonie. No words can help. I just roll my eyes at the positivity and have everyone's thoughts and opinions dwell in my head making the subject stuck there even more. Having my spoonies saying they wouldn't be able to do what I'm going through just brought me down even more. Having my family say that they'll support me no matter what made me feel pressured somehow, I'm not quiet sure how but it did.

This is my "darkest hours" this is me, someone who is constantly told how strong she is, crumbling. And you know what? IT'S OKAY. We all go through times of trouble, we're SUPPOSED to. Even the strongest person has to stumble, and in my opinion, it's well worth it. Why? Because when you reach the light at the end of the tunnel you appreciate everything so much more. This is my time to gain new appreciation for the good in my life.

 http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/money/sick.jpg

Whenever I have serious thoughts in my head I tend to zone out real bad. I've been doing it more and more lately. My parent's have noticed this and have been talking to me. It get's really confusing. I know and have always known that my parents will do anything for me. That they know I'm 20, almost 21 so I legally make my own healthcare decisions. They help me with the facts and if asked, give their opinion. But both sides get frustrated and that can lead to heat. We're all tired of me being in pain. No one wants to see their loved one in pain nor does anyone want to be in pain.

Throughout the years I've had times when I was so emotionally upset that my parents know to just let me be. No matter how much they want to help me stop it's best they didn't. It ends much prettier when they do. Thankfully, we all learned that less while going through my teenage years (wow that makes me sound old!)  I'm honestly at a point where I have no clue what to do, I really don't. I don't want to give up but I'm so tired of fighting. I'm not an angry person especially towards others. But with this life (illnesses) I have so much hate, anger, and frustration towards it. It occasionally brings a real ugly side to me that unfortunately only my folks see and are victims of. Which makes me even more upset because I in no way intend to treat them like that especially after all they have done for me.

 http://warriorfitness.org/2012/05/16/muscle-confusion-got-ya-confused/

Recently I lost it after one of my parent's and my discussions. I went into my bathroom, started breathing heavy and just threw everything off of my counter. I stood leaning over the counter just trying to stay calm and doing my best not to cry but then I bursted into tears. I cried so hard that I just kinda crumbled onto the ground and curled up into a ball lying on the floor. Still crying my eyes out, I wanted my dog so I somehow managed to hobble over to my room, grab her, and just laid on the floor for awhile. I either passed out or fell asleep for a bit idk which. When I woke up I went into my bathroom to pick everything up. Of course, my body being the way it is was thrown for a loop by this meltdown and started shutting down, my parents were there to help me up and through it.

 "Frustration" by turnnburnkota

All of this has made me question a lot of things that once were all I wanted from life. I've always wanted a family. I LOVE kids. I just do. Luckily, none of my illnesses or medication causes infertility. But it makes me second guess everything. Do I really want to put someone through living hell? Do I want to make someone I love and care for have to carry me around? Is it worth putting all the burden on someone just so I can have a husband and kids? What if this is genetic and it passes on to them? I wouldn't wish this to anyone. So why should I have kids if there's even the SLIGHTEST chance of them having any of this? Do I want to put more stress on my family to help me and my husband raise my kids because I don't have the strength? The more I think about it, the more I'm against achieving those dreams. I don't want to drag anymore people down.

So often I just want to break down and cry. But crying just makes it all worse. It leaves you drained physically, emotionally and mentally causing your body to shut down. As much as we don't want to admit it, stress triggers many, if not all illnesses. Our bodies are still capable of having symptoms when we're not stressed or upset, but if we are, our symptoms can show up or make existing ones worse. Ever since March my passing out spells has come and gone more frequently and as you saw in my first post, frustration was building up. My approaching procedure didn't help me emotionally either. I went from being able to hang out with a couple friends to stuck in bed because of pain and exhaustion, my sleep "schedule" went out the door, and my appetite would vary mainly because of my several GI conditions. With my increased frustration there were times I wanted to give in. I wanted to cry, scream, and throw things. All I would think is how I wished I was healthy enough to go to the batting cages and release some of my anger. But my true self fought against my negativity. I can get through this, I don't need to waste my energy over something I can't control. That God gave me this battle because he KNOWS I can make it through. So now my body was at war against itself mentally and emotionally as well.

Emotional II Abstract Painting by K. Madison Moore

Thing kept tumbling down, I got new symptoms, "Great!" I thought, "more hoops to jump through. More possible test, specialists etc, I would have to deal with. " But I reassured myself that I got this. This is just my body being fussy. But within myself I was in denial. I was getting closer to breaking and like I tell my fellow spoonies, we all need time to be down in the dumps, we just gotta pick ourselves up before it's too late.  I wished I was in the movie "Click" where I could pause or fast forward anything. I was getting to a point where I just wanted it to end, I wasn't suicidal, but I wanted things to actually get better and have the pain go away.

And then it happened, the scariest moment of my life. I already had my emotional meltdown but this was my body having a meltdown from all the stress and pain. I was in the shower and like usual I had my mom close by to listen in case I fell or passed out. All I remember was stepping out the shower but what we think happened was as I was stepping out of the shower I passed out, my head hit the tub and my right hip hit the toilet. My mom tried to help me up but was unable to, she tried to get me dressed but I was in such agony it didn't workout. My dad felt uncomfortable coming in there since I was naked. I may be his child but I was his adult daughter who deserved privacy. Unfortunately, this was a time where health came before respect. They picked me up off the floor, got me dressed and laid me in bed. I was completely out of it, very lethargic and because my head hurt they were concern I had a concussion.

"I Don't Need Anything" by akirakirai

So off we went to the ER... Apparently I was in such bad shape when we arrived that they immediately put me in triage and then off into the trauma side of the ER. I was wearing a neck brace at one point and they did a work up on me which included a CT and X-ray of everywhere I was hurting. Everything came back alright.
But that wasn't the end, since  I was ok the doctor allowed me to have a shot of morphine. At this point I was out of a lethargic state but wasn't all there. I got confused, I thought I had an IV so I was wondering why they were going to give me a shot. Turns out they just drew blood and didn't put an IV in me. My response to all this was what my parent's call "the devil child" I started crying, screaming and yelling that I didn't want to. My nurse and parents tried to convince me other wise but I wasn't having it. They also tried to calm me down. It's no excuse but I think at that point I was so frustrated that I lost it again. I was tired of needles, narcotics, pain meds, nurses, and vitals. I was tired of, "Everything is normal! But we don't know what's wrong with her." I was tired of it all and at the time I wasn't me so I wasn't able to control my emotions.

During "the devil child" time I passed out several times in front of the nurse. They would wake me up but I kept going, my body had enough. I finally passed out one more time and they just let me be. I woke up later completely confused. I recalled grabbing my towel, remembered random spots of our way to the ER and that was it. I was asking a bunch of questions.
What happened?
How did we get here?
What was going on?
Why was I in a trauma room?
They explained it all, including "the devil child" moment. And for whatever reason, I was in denial, I thought that they were lying to me but I knew my parents would never do anything like that.
I was then presented another chance to have the morphine shot and I took it. Shortly after, the doctor was in to discharge us and off we went.

"Bye" by akirakirai

Since that incident I would break down crying randomly confused and scared about my procedure. Nothing my parent's said or showed helped. I was so scared. The thing that scared me was 1. I had to be awake and 2. a needle would be digging into where I hurted. All I wanted was it to get over and done with. There was much anxiety, stress, nervousness, and doubt. How was I supposed to be completely ok with this situation without the guarantee of success? My parents were concern about my emotional state but like previously discussed between each other, I was desperate for relief and willing to try anything that could potentially help even if it set my emotional or mental state for a loop. I was clinging onto hope that all this hell will be worth it in the end. That this indeed will help me become pain free

Beauty in Pain and Suffering.

Now I have to admit, things have definately haven't gone the way I imagined lately.... And for the first time in a long, long time, I've asked myself why... I've gotten down and really depressed, still kinda am but not as bad...

But when  I was questioning why dont I just die or why cant i live life something kept playing in the back of my head, how Saints I've looked up to suffered and took the suffering. Now, I probably went around this the wrong way at first.. maybe still am... I would just not take any meds and not tell anyone (sorry mom and dad) They suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually. They did it for the glory of God. But I cant help but wonder how did they know? Some of them had encounters with God we know about but what about the others? How did they know? I'll admit I haven't been the best Catholic lately, but I do have the faith, I trust that God is doing this for a reason but I just don't know why..

And then there's today... Good Friday... when Christ went through so much torcher, pain and suffereing for the sake of us to have eternal life with him. Now, I am in no way comparing myself to Christ or Saints I'm far from that but it gives me strength in some weird way.

I've accepted that the life God has for me currently is a lot of pain, lost friendships, loneliness, a whole bunch of frustration, tears, and yearning for normalcy. I've accepted that there will be things I cant have and things I can but still have to bust my butt to get. I've accepted that jobs, school, and anything that I will have to be considered "relliable" for will come and go because its my health isn't reliable. I've accepted that the life I have hardly anyone can relate to or come close to even understanding.

I know I've come a long way from 7 years ago but the cycle gets very old... and now that i'm more aquanted with the real world... it sucks even more to try and wade it out or watch how much medication I take because of cost... Or to not complain and fight through so I can make money and go to work instead of going to doctors or hospitals and putting my family's money down the drain.

But that's probably the toughest part. When to fight and push and when to get help. I know anyone in life has issues with that in life such as when their coming down with a cold... It's just hard to keep hope... with hospitals they just get me comfortable run test, find nothing, release me and tell me to talk to my doctors... with my doctors its ok lets talk to all doctors check things out, nothing is ever found.

Now that I have this adhesions problem its a debate to open me or not... you see adhesions can't be seen unless you open the person up. It's a film your body produces and surgery can make it more likely, people can go their whole life with adhesions and not have a single problem, others arent as lucky. The two times they removed adhesions I got lucky because it was a ticking time bomb until i lost whatever part the adhesions was slowly wrapping around. They're occuring more often... and so far, there's no way to prevent them... so its open, remove as much as we can, close me up and hope i'll last for awhile...

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone... be it the physical pain or seeing it affect your loved one. The pain I see in my parents seeing me like this, is the worst pain imaginable... The look on my team of doctors and nurses face.... is just as bad... to see them clueless whats going on and how to help... I've been wondering what's worst, being told you're going to die or being told they don't know whats wrong.

i've also been wondering that what if there's one single underlying cause of this all... something so rare that people who are helping me now dont know about it...

Lost

Note this is a real personal blog entry.

Tonight we got word that my uncle in the Philippines died. It's bittersweet, he has been suffering for years with illnesses and is now at rest and no longer in pain but it's sad I never got to meet him.. I really don't know where I came from. My uncle was the only immediate biological family on my mom's side we had. Now don't get me wrong I'm thankful for the families that "adopted" us, but I wonder where I came from, why I am the way I am. Besides my family I have met very little of my biological relatives. Some full relative and other half relatives.... but I cant help but feel an emptiness.... everyone talks about how it is with their relatives and how much they look alike but I have no idea... My mom said when I was little I was a spitting image of my Aunt. I've seen a few pictures from my cousins and when I was little saw some pictures they would send but after awhile the phone calls and letters stopped. This was most likely because they did not have the money to do so. My mom was from a poor part of the Philippines. And I know some people are thinking "be grateful for what you have" or "at least you know who your parents are" and while yes this is all true I deserve to be down in the dumps too.

But what I'm mostly afraid of is how my mom will get through this. My mom is very emotional, to points it affects her diabetes and blood pressure we almost have to take her to the hospital because of her hysterical crying and carrying on.... That's why I cringe whenever there is bad news to give my mom. Although we had no idea this was coming. It was crazy though, my mom told my dad earlier today she felt like something bad was going to happen and she was right.

It's really hard on my mom because like many third world countries out there they think those who live in America have so much money. Most of yall probably are in America that reads this and know money isn't that easy. With my family we have just barely enough to live paycheck to paycheck. But I know my mom is feeling the guilt of not being able to send more. She knows deep down inside that there was nothing she could do but still feels the guilt.

After my mom calmed down I went to bed and told my boyfriend and all the tears just came out.... And something I wasn't expecting to hear came from him, he told me to say the rosary and divine mercy chaplet. My boyfriend and I are both catholic and we have faith but have been lacking in the devoting part. We ask each other to pray for one another when we need it and we truly believe in our faith but I guess the only excuse we can have is life gets in the way of the whole going to mass and things of that matter. So I wasn't quiet expecting that to come out of his mouth. But maybe it's a sign... because of things that has happened within my church I've stopped going. But maybe its a sign, oh who am i kidding, God is showing me he wants me back. I want to so bad but the things that has happened at my church makes it so uncomfortable to be there...  But I know this is an adventure I should take up and I'm going to try with all my might to do so.

Well that's all I got for right now. And for all yall that has read all this thank you. Although I know some might come across this that I don't want to but oh well. All I can say is just because my family has issues that yours don't or I sin differently than you doesn't make you or me any better than each other so stop judging. Might sound harsh but that's the truth. And your words and actions may have hurt me before but I am going to do my best to not let you have the upper hand to where I avoid certain places because that's not who I am and how my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be strong, yeah you might have knocked me down for awhile but I will ALWAYS get right back up.

More CFW

So life has recently been so hectic that I never finished my week at camp. I'm going to be brief because of my horrible memory.

The rest of the week went great, Wednesday my group went to the nursing home where two of our site cordinators managed to get a resident to socialize with everyone else. This lady is quiet the kicker! She didn't come out before because she would try to make everyone laugh but they wouldn't and just made her feel not part of the group. I got to spend a lot of time with her she was so sweet! I also met a filipino lady my heart went out to her because she was so exhausted even listening was difficult for her. But she was in better spirit after lunch and when i told her bye in Tagalog she was in a better mood. I got to spend time with this one resident who has left a lasting impact on me. She litterally has no family or friends, they all have past. So she always passes out her bracelets she wins at bingo to girls so she knows she'll be remembered. She reminded me of my nana, her hair was exactly like hers.

Thursday we got to stay on home site and we painted walls. Good thing my headache was gone! It was pretty awesome though to see the bond of my group. We even had some fun with the paint.

Our messiness

Friday was baby beds we basically stacked them up and cleaned up. Then the ladies who distribute them to families in need came and we helped them load up.

As for the faith growing, Wednesday was reconsilation totally misspelled that... It's always very emotional and this year God used me to help a camper who is also a victim/survivor of being molested. It still chokes me up thinking about that.

Thursday is Circle of Love. We sit in a circle, pass around a mic and get to talk about how camp has touched us. I got a couple shout outs and I broke down crying plenty of times.

My blog doesn't do it justice... maybe next time i'll bring my laptop and just write each night.

I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted but there is plenty to write about so hopefully i'll find time to write more soon.

Love,
Aly

Day 2- Feeling wanted

    So I ended my last post camp fort worth post with me not feeling well and sleeping until the next day. Well when I woke up all the girls in my room started asking me how i felt i thought this was sweet but didn't think much of it because they were in my room. I made my way downstairs where everyone was gathering for breakfast and got asked numerous times how I was feeling. This made me feel good inside. You see, in my day to day life everyone is so use to me not feeling good that its whatever. Not many people check on me when they see I'm not feeling good or made a trip to the hospital. Or if they do its to my parents so i really don't feel noticed.
   This started to make me realize that I am noticed and that God did have me there for a reason.

     We had breakfast and went to mass and let me tell you wow was it amazing! Everyone was moved, our campers were more into mass, the people who went to daily mass were in awe how close we were and the beauty of us prasing our Lord. Mass ended and my group and I set out for Mission Arlington. Mission Arlington is a Christian based Salvation Army pretty much. Clients go through a process and before they get what they need they are prayed over. After, they have 15 mins in this store like place to grabw whatever clothing they need. All clothing is already hung on hangers and organized by gender and somewhat on size. Then, they have a few mins in another room to recieve whatever odd things they need like plates, decorations, bed stuff, etc. After, they go to where the food is and recieve food. First half of the day i worked in the store. We would remove empty hangers, add more clothes, and help the customers. The second half I spent in this huge room filled with boxes after boxes of clothes. We woould just simply go through boxes and put them on hangers. Being that it was summer if we ran into any winter clothes we would put them in a trash bag to be held in storage till it got cooler.

    As usual we headed to showers then went back to the church and hung out. Our night activity was the living rosary. Basically instead of using a rosary we made a rosary out of candles. A candle for each bead. But before that the campers get to have some quiet time with God and journal.

Day 1- Team JesUS

Yeah... no creative title today... So I failed to mention info about my small group. in total there are 7 of us. My adult who happened to be the seminarian, myself, 3 girls and 2 boys that were campers. All of them besides one girl were all entering sophomores and the other girl a freshman in college just like me. A typical problem at CFW is that the campers absolutely did not want to be there but we didn't have that problem... some of them were sooooo excited to be there and the rest were just chill, not excited but we didn't have to drag them around lol. My group decided to name ourselves Team JesUS because of the olympics were at the time still going on and because ya know Jesus and US as a group yeah.. self explanitory. It was pretty ironic that my first small group at cfw followed my camper year schedule except the last two days.
    Getting back on track, we woke up, got ready and headed downstairs for breakfast. We taught everyone one of our crazy fun prayers than ate. Next we had some praise and worship then had our daily skit that focused on the piece of the our father for the day. After, it was time for mass. Being a eucharstic minister i still saw people kinda going through the motions and just kinda be like yeah i'm here ok whatever i'm suppose to do this this and this. Which I don't look down on because we all have times where we aren't fully there spiritually or we just do a routine. Anyways, mass ended then we got in our small groups and headed to our site for the day.
    Our site was the Boys and Girls Club. Everyone was real excited to go. Once we got in there the site coordinators got a feel for the area, talked to us, then we all head in. For awhile I was hanging out with boys that were entereing the 2nd grade. Now this day was probably my roughest... As some of you know i have crohnic migraines/headaches well midway through I started getting one real bad. And lately, they for some reason make me so tired. So here I am playing mancala with this 8 year old girl now falling asleep like i'm some 80 year old... I felt so bad but the kids saw that I wasn't feeling good and let me be which was sweet. I did although had two little girls get attached to me which is always bittersweet becaue you feel wanted but it makes you dread the goodbye even more.Our day at our work site came to and end and we all said our goodbyes. We then headed to showers and back to the church we were staying at. Until dinner we have free time there was tons of stuff we could do. The basement was their youth area so there were pool tables, ping pong, foosball, an area just to chill at tables or couches. Plus we always had some kind of music going whether its live or someones itunes.
    Now, at camp you learn some crazy things and this years would have to be the game called pteradyctal. What you do is sit in a circle and go around saying pteradyctal, easy right? Well here's the catch, you can't show your teeth at all or you're out. You can change the direction of the circle by squawking. It sounds like a stupid game and it probably is but is tons of fun. I for one, am horrible at it because there was one camper named.. let's go with James that would always make me laugh even when we weren't playing the game. Heck, on the last day while we can can in one of our songs he kicked like rockett! I was dying of laghter at that point!
   Dinner time came and I still wasn't feeling the greatest. After dinner I remembered climbing up the stairs and all the suddent started seeing spots. I lied on my bed for a little bit and was feeling better so i just stayed in bed. I would wake up off and on but just fell back to sleep. And didn't wake up till the next day. When I realized this i felt so bad but everyone was so understanding. I was suppose to lead night prayer but one of my a-team girls had my back (thanks L.)

Pterdyactal!!!

Ok tottally screwed up the name there so yeah... anyway.. moving on
 Sunday is ALWAYS the most exciting yet grusome day for A-teamers. It feels like DAYS waiting on campers to come. You're also anxious as a small group leader, are my kids going to like me, do they want to be here, will they share... all kinds of questions run through your mind. But slowly, campers come car by car and get bombarded by a teamers being loud and crazy. We pull you out your car along with all your stuff. Yeah, sounds scary, it is to some people but my camper year it wasn't scary at all. Then again the people who attacked me i knew over half of them.
     We all gather and get to know each other till dinner. We make our name button and just hang out. Now, I have to mention this just because it's the most hillarious thing ever but... some of the a-team guys were trying to move this tower of lemonade from the carrier to a table... mega fail.. by mega i mean... the whole container fell on the floor and left this HUGEEEE puddle on the floor. Yes. It was VERY hillarious, one of those you had to be there moments.
    So we attacked pizza... i myself ate... 8... yes 8... i was hungry... I got to show off my wicked chick-fil-a skills by once they made new lemonade i was pouring them 2 at a time. Yeah buddy! lol. The evening continued and we did some praise and worship, introductions, run through of camp. We also got to meet our small groups and pick a name (Team JesUS) Then we head to bed because a long week is ahead of us.

Simba!!!

So like every year since the summer of 09 I spent an amazing week at camp fort worth. For those of you that do not know what it is it's basically a local mission trip/church camp. Every year God always help me grow in my relationship with him and tells me something I need to know. I stole this idea from Randell that I will release each week a day/part of camp. A-team retreat will be just one post most likely.
  Just some basics for those of you who don't know camp. A-team are a group of returning camp fort worth kids that are still in high school or just finished like myself. cfw is for camp fort worth.
   The camp is a group of mainly high schoolers from around the diocease along with their chaperones. Campers arrive Sunday evening. We divide into small groups and each day go to a different work site to do community service. So one day you will go to the boys and girls club, a nursing home, mission arlington- a place that helps the needy, work on baby beds for the needy in our diocease, and stay at the church we stay at and help around because they let us stay there for free. In the evening we have a faith growing acitivity. Oh, and each day is started by daily mass. I know some people are probably reading this and thinking well thats boring but I promise you it's not. You create a strong bond where you come as strangers and leave as family so of course there is a bunch of work AND play.
 So now that we got the basics done let's get started!

A-team arrives Friday afternoon so we can bond and prepare for the campers who will arrive Sunday. So we lug all our stuff to our sleeping area and set up. Now yall know my memory is pretty bad so everything might not be in order.... (oops) Friday night is always pretty relaxed, we have a movie night and we watched the Lion King. A camper insider was immediately started, ya know when rafeki rubs that red stuff on simba?? yeah, that started a whole thing of us "simba-ing" each other randomly lol. Saturday is more move in day where we unload the camp trailer and i think.... we set up all the sound stuff... if not it was sunday... anyway... We also make our awesome signs of telling people where to go. We get pretty silly and creative. Then we just have time to be with each other which who doesn't love spending time with friends you haven't seen all year because they live forever aways??? We also then attend weekend Mass
     Next we have even deeper bonding time both as a group and in our faith. We went to the Chapel and spent time with Jesus- Adoration for my noncatholic friends out there- adoration is when Jesus is exposed in the eucharist and we just get to spend time with him. A new experience I had this year was free praise. Basically we open up with a song then come to the a point where we can sing whatever we want. It is pretty amazing it's basically improv with your voice praising God. It gave me the chills. We slowly move on with our night and wash each others feet just like Jesus did to his disciples before he died. Normally our adult leaders wash all our feet (there's 3 of them so we would go to just one of them) but they changed it up this year, we would go up to get our feet washed and then after our feet were washed we become the foot washer and wash whoever came up next feet. Finally, my favorite part of A-team retreat, we split up by guys and girls and form a circle. We then take turns going into the middle of the circle and ask for whatever prayers we need. Then, we put our hands on the person in the middle and start praying out loud. It is always a moving experience.
    Sunday goes by real fast! We do last minute preperation for campers. Then, we do a guided mediation of our first camp. We also get to reflect on our overall camp experience and share some of our moments with each other.
Stay tuned for more cfw post!