Raw Emotions

So I'm trying to write more in my blog I have a ton of stuff to say like many of yall know but getting on my laptop is such a chore and energy zapper for me. This is something I just quickly wrote and posted to a spoonie Facebook group I'm in and because of it's length figured I'd make it a post here. It's super raw and honest but then again when am I not honest?

I hope it shows you something you need to see or hear. I hope sharing my story my struggles help you not feel alone and helps you feel stronger to keep fighting. Whether you're a spoonie or just going through tough crap in life.

I'm slipping... I can feel it.. just slowly getting stronger and stronger but the real me is fighting and fighting hard but my body is already doing enough without trying to fight mentally and physically...
 I had a neurostimulator put in in October we knew because of all my illnesses I'll be a slow healer but some of my wound hasn't closed fully with the incision for my battery being very sore. Had my follow up with my neurosurgeon after the holidays and I'm on a round of antibiotics hoping that'll help me heal because I might have an infection but he did mention that my incision looks like it could potentially be the start of a metal allergy....

I've been half letting my mind go there and half not, if it is an allergy I would have to get my stimulator taken out... i would have to give up the device that has allowed me to be more human.... I would have to give up all the progress I made and what's worse is I'll have to relive that horrible post op pain all over again without any benefits...

I'm forcing myself to do things, trying to make plans once a week with somebody but I'm afraid that's not enough. I'm scared out of my mind...
But then I see how much I have fought cuz let's be honest sometimes we don't realize how hard we've been fighting because this is our life and so we just live with it so that gives me hope. When I usually get self harm or suicidal thoughts I now am full of rage which my therapist says is a good thing because I'm allowing myself to feel and not just avoid, how I got there no clue.... I'm reaching out and trying to participate at my church more but it's tough for people my age we're a minority...
Today has just been a really tough day and those stupid American crime ads keep clawing at my PTSD malong everything worse... this isn't like me usually I only feel this down for 5 hours tops and then I move on but it's lingering... usually my depression makes me feel numb or I'm moody but I don't notice it or I just sleep, something other than how I feel right now... sure I've been home all day but the colors have become dull.
But I will fight, even though my body is so physically exhausted I'm not a quitter... yes I feel awful but I'm determined to make it through this. So maybe I'll be going through the motions.... but maybe those motions will turn into actions that'll help get me out of this, help me be happy again.

Please Don't Touch Me

Trigger warning: this post will be talking about the mental and emotional aftermath of sexual assault. No details of the events will be given but talk about reaction to being touched will be.

Over the summer my PTSD has gotten worse/flared up thanks to the media using my situation as an entertainment factor. I can go on and on about the outrage I have about this but we'll save that for later. This has been something that has been weighing on my shoulders recently and I wanted to share this because I think it will help a lot of people in my shoes but also help the loved ones of people in my shoes better understand the changes in the one they love.

I'm an affectionate person, my whole family is, plus I live in the south so most likely, you're gonna be greeted with a hug by people me included. I'm fine with hugging, I can control how close someone gets to me, if I'm not ok with a bear hug I can prevent the amount of body contact I have with someone by leaning forward more. Also, having been involved at my church we only do side hugs with kids and youth, steps we have took with the whole church scandal.

I LOVE to cuddle ask anyone I have dated, let me cuddle and I'm happy. You can play your video games (although I usually am playing too) or whatever just let me cuddle up to you. I use to cuddle up to whoever would let me out of the people i know whether it's just leaning on or heads resting on each other again, do that and I'm happy.

But the one thing that was robbed of me after everything is my comfortablity with cuddling and it hurts because some of the people I really want to cuddle with and SHOULD feel comfortable cuddling with I don't anymore. The biggest one being my dad. I'm really close to my dad, he's my rock. Ever since I was little our thing was to lay down and watching tv together on his days off. I would lay my head on his shoulder or stomach off and on but now, there's no contact. And I hate it. I've been in a really cuddly mood lately but been too uncomfortable to cuddle up to either parent. Sometimes them just putting their arm around me or hugging me a second too long gets me super uncomfortable they just don't know it.

It KILLS me.

Really the only time I've been ok with them holding me is when I'm having a huge mental break down. The other night I was I'm really bad pain and my mom offered to hold but even then I was too uncomfortable with that. Hell! There are times when I've needed help from my mom because I passed out or whatever but I don't even want her to see me naked!

I haven't talked to them about it, it's too hard and I think it's something that it's really really hard to understand. Either way, their feelings would get hurt and I don't want that.

It just really really sucks, the 2 people I should feel completely comfortable with I don't. I try, oh trust me I try. Like when they hug too long or their appropriate touch makes me feel weird I push through it but no progress. I have no clue how to fix this and when I was in assault specific counseling I guess I was denying this was a problem so I wasn't able to ask for help.

and then there's the doctors or random bump in with a stranger oh man...... the stranger thing I'm totally ok with, briskly touch a random body part jumping, oh well it happens. But sometimes with my doctors I have to mentally prepare myself for them touching me. I already do this if I know they're gonna touch my stomach but now I have to prepare even more.

It's weird because since I'm such an affectionate person I want to be touched but I guess you can call me "picky" on who it's from. I don't want to be like this especially towards my parents. Again it sucks. But that's just the evil of PTSD I have to deal with and some of the stuff I've learned I'm in no control of. Is this one of them? So far I think yes but maybe someone out there knows and can help me get past this I don't know. But I just wanted the world to know you're not alone, that your loved one isn't purposely pulling away from you it's just cause and affect. And really the only thing I can think of that you can do is ask them if it's ok to touch them, hug them or hold them and try not to get too emotional if the answer is no.
will it get better? I don't know, I hope so, maybe this one takes a lot of time or at least for me it does.

Red My Lips

Photo credit: DDCE

Content/Trigger Warning: This post includes triggers for PTSD resulting from sexual violence. While it is the focal point of this post there will be NO details about the incident. This is just me, a survivor, expressing how I am feeling after being triggered. I will do my best to give warning to areas that might bring more vivid reminders.

    So, to me it's no surprise that April, the awareness month for sexual violence, I start having my flashback nightmares, aka, night terrors. In my opinion, this is one of the worst ways to be reminded of your trauma aside from having to be where it happened. Sometimes night terrors can be random as hell but sometimes, when you think about it, even the smallest detail could have been your trigger. Others, you thought you might have dealt with your trigger but that night, days. weeks, or even months, later you're it hits you. This post's title was inspired by an organization called Red my Lips that encourages people to wear red lipstick for sexual violence awareness month to spread awareness and speak out against victim blaming a problem many survivors face once becoming public about their assault.

    Do you remember when you were little and you had nightmares that you swore were real? You swore there was a monster in your closet or underneath your bed? Night terrors are like that but on a totally different level. DETAIL WARNING They feel so real, my poor dad, because I was flailing and kicking so much one time I clogged him in the face while he was trying to wake me. It's been 7 years and yet as hard as I try, I remember every last detail and in my dreams I am unable to distract myself for going deeper into it. I feel everything physically, I can recall and relive the whole experience in extreme details.

    These last few months I've had night terrors and an increased in how often and how much thinking about my trauma. Not dealing with my past might be the reason some of yall might be thinking. Not exactly, I've seen sexual assault specific counselors, I've accepted what has happened to me and for 3 years I have been able to live my life without it consumed by my trauma. I'm not a woman hiding behind her laptop blogging about her problems, I am publicly open about my trauma in my personal life too. So what gives? PTSD is a life long conditions, as long as I live, my trauma will always be in the back burner somewhere ready to pounce no matter how well I'm dealing and that is another fact I have to accept.

    I know the culprit of my night terrors though, at least, the cause of tonight's. You see, these last 2 night my family and I would be watching tv and the show would involve sexual assault. Now, for the past 3 years I've been able to I guess, "push through" the unexpected plot of sexual assault but about a month ago this became difficult. So what happens? I shut down. Like many people who deal with PTSD I want to deal with it on my own, my stubbornness has me trying to just push through the scene. Part of my mind tries to concentrate so much on what just happened and the other part is trying to get myself to think of anything but that. I try to remain my composure, act as if I'm just really into whatever I'm doing on my phone but my parents notice. They change the show, make sure I'm ok, and out of not knowing what to do, we just watch whatever else we just put on. "It's stupid," I think, "I've been fine for so long why is this bothering me now?" More anger and frustration settles in.

    When my PTSD becomes more difficult to deal with, without even thinking about it, my body does what it can so it doesn't have to sleep at night. IDK if it's because my trauma took place at night but me, coping, and night time doesn't mix. One of the few perks of bed rest, I can just sleep during the day without it affecting anything. Unfortunately, coping at night sucks because if you actually feel like talking to someone (which is rare) the likelihood of there being someone is slim.

    DETAIL WARNING So what happens when you wake up? Somehow, despite already having this happen in your dream, everything comes flooding back yet again. You're drenched in sweat, hyperventilating and disoriented. So you're stuck trying to calm yourself down while processing. It was a dream, it wasn't actually happening in that very moment, you were asleep on your bed, you're at home, safe, and sound. (And if you're not safe and sound please seek help!) If you haven't passed out from all the crying and hyperventilating hopefully by now you're starting to calm down. Emotionally you start to feel drained and for me, I'm just so deep in thought I don't care to talk, eat or sleep.

    The "it's just a dream" is a load of crap because it's not. Yes, right then and there it wasn't happening but it has happened there's not much more to it. You see, when you're having difficulty with PTSD it's like you're in a different dimension, anytime you're triggered it's like you've gone through the rabbit hole. You become so focused on it, you get stuck on repeat. Previous thoughts, feelings, questions, doubts, etc. come flooding in.

Sorry if this post was just a bunch of rambling nonsense, I just felt like I had to write and post this. Maybe this was just something I needed to do for myself but hopefully, it helped someone out there. Things will get better, and if they aren't you fight for it and make it happen. Once you have dealt with everything and have better times it will come back to you and you will have to face it all over again. I'm sorry it's that way, you never did anything to deserve this, but your battle has made you a warrior. You are not a victim and you are far from alone. Now listen to this song, cry your eyes out and fight on!

Love,
Aly