A short goodbye to Texas???

So I'm currently suffering a bad flare of my IBS... right now feels more like Crohn's but basically i'm having stomach issues. I saw my doctor today and he wants to see if he can get me into Mayo Clinic. For those of you who don't know Mayo Clinic is a St Jude's for rare/crohnic/multiple illnesses. They have 3 locations Arizona, Florida, and Minnesota.

This is ver overwhelmming for me because most liekly only one parent can come while the other one stays and work. Money onviously is a big factor and i gotta leave home.... home where both my parents are, family comes and visit, my dog, and boyfriend is.... all of which keep me going... I'm really scared and although it hasn't been confirmed yet if i'm going... it's scary... Its proven time and time again at home comfort helps me heal the most. And we dont know how long i'll have to be at whichever place i go...

This is really heavy on me i can't sleep.... More updates to follow but please keep us in your prayers... idk how we're gonna make it but we will....

More CFW

So life has recently been so hectic that I never finished my week at camp. I'm going to be brief because of my horrible memory.

The rest of the week went great, Wednesday my group went to the nursing home where two of our site cordinators managed to get a resident to socialize with everyone else. This lady is quiet the kicker! She didn't come out before because she would try to make everyone laugh but they wouldn't and just made her feel not part of the group. I got to spend a lot of time with her she was so sweet! I also met a filipino lady my heart went out to her because she was so exhausted even listening was difficult for her. But she was in better spirit after lunch and when i told her bye in Tagalog she was in a better mood. I got to spend time with this one resident who has left a lasting impact on me. She litterally has no family or friends, they all have past. So she always passes out her bracelets she wins at bingo to girls so she knows she'll be remembered. She reminded me of my nana, her hair was exactly like hers.

Thursday we got to stay on home site and we painted walls. Good thing my headache was gone! It was pretty awesome though to see the bond of my group. We even had some fun with the paint.

Our messiness

Friday was baby beds we basically stacked them up and cleaned up. Then the ladies who distribute them to families in need came and we helped them load up.

As for the faith growing, Wednesday was reconsilation totally misspelled that... It's always very emotional and this year God used me to help a camper who is also a victim/survivor of being molested. It still chokes me up thinking about that.

Thursday is Circle of Love. We sit in a circle, pass around a mic and get to talk about how camp has touched us. I got a couple shout outs and I broke down crying plenty of times.

My blog doesn't do it justice... maybe next time i'll bring my laptop and just write each night.

I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted but there is plenty to write about so hopefully i'll find time to write more soon.

Love,
Aly

oops! back to the weekend!

So I failed to mention a huge chunk in my story... You see, my faith is strong but my imperfections are great. I was excited for camp but as camp got closer i started doubting if i should be there. I didn't want to be one of those people who was do as i say not as I do. I was going to remain honest to campers no matter what. It felt really awkward at first because some people there were tremendously in faith and I honestly felt like I was experiencing something new when for the most part I wasn't. I felt like I was going to mass after not being there for a month, its an overwhelming feeling. It felt as if someone pushed me into the deep end of the pool when i just barely new how to swim. Yeah... scary... I quickly learn that my hardest issue would be my potty mouth. Yes, I curse... a lot! At work I can control it and I don't use it a lot online but when it's just me and people who i know won't give me crap about it I use it. But by Sunday morning my potty mouth was very much in control.

     Like I said on the weekend post, we have some of our own faith growing activities and it was different for me in that I didn't get the indescribable feeling like I always did. Which was weird because i was pouring my heart out. I did start to feel it but it wasn't the usual suddent overwhelmingness I would get. Which made me doubt even more why I should be here. I mean they would be find without me right? Besides, yeah I knew everyone on a-team but i wasn't that close to anyone it wouldn't be like they would miss me. In fact i was sure that if i left by wednesday they wouldn't even have thought about me.

     So saturday night i started texting my boyfriend, my best friend who also attended camp the same number of years as me, and my dad. Both my best friend and boyfriend were point blank saying i should be there. My boyfriend swore I deserved to be there expecially feeling the way I did, my dad also pointed that out. My best friend told me about her camp experience this year and offered prayers. At this point I'm balling my eyes out because I'm so lost and confused. Then one of the a-team girls saw me passing by trying to wipe my tears before she could see me but i was too late, i was caught. So we went into one of the bathrooms for privacy and just talked. She made me feel like I wasn't alone but at the end I was still confused. My dad was still texting me and was reassuring me that i was there for a reason but it was my choice to stay or not.  But I needed someone else to talk to still so I called my "camp sister" I explained how I was feeling and she explained she was going through similar things and that she was there for me. But then, I got a feeling I haven't felt in about a year... I was feelng suicidal. My mind started racing even more. I've been taking my meds so its not that, yeah this situation isnt the best but why am I feeling suicidal. I told my dad and because of is sense of helplessness because he wasn;t there he kind of blew up on me but my camp sister was there to help me sort through my feelings. At this point I was drained and just decided t try and sleep with no decision made.

   I woke up Sunday not having any negative thoughts in mind and just ready to pour myself into what i was doing.

Getting to the tough issue

So it's taken me sometime to talk more about my rapes. It's not that I don't want to share, well, kinda, it's more of I dont know what I should say and not say... kinda the girl who doesn;t know when to keep her mouth shut. so what I'm going to recommend, if something starts getting to you, STOP. This blog isn't going anywhere (i think) so you can pick up where you left off once you cooled down. This is my way of venting, spreading awareness, and giving others courage.

     I was recently talking to my parents and they told me how people from my church have comed up to them asking questions about my blog. Wow I ACTUALLY have an audience... No names we're mentions just certain occasions and conversations. So what I'm going to try and do is have a question section or see if there's away if not already, to post comments anonymously if wanted. I will try to answer all questions but it might not be ASAP.

     I currently am in therapy if i have not yet mentioned before. For those of you who are seeking help, The Women's Center in Fort Worth. They have free therapy for those who are victims/survivors of rape/domestic abuse they also have therapy for children. The counselors are specficly TRAINED to handle rapes. There is a waiting list but if your assault happened within a year they get you in ASAP. If you are a minor they will send the police to talk to you (its the law) but it is your choice to cooperate, you don't have to say a thing. And, if you ares still in a relationship with the person when they call it always just shows as unknow to keep you safe.

     During therapy my therapist gave me closer, while on my vacation my boyfriend and I had a moment when we were talking about my assaults. He gave me the courage to tell him who the guys were. Until that moment I have been unable to do so. It took awhile but it happened. I constantly talk to my therapist about my fear of having to tell people about my assaults because someone told the police and I have to go through that traumatic experience again. How I go back and forth of if I should or not. Yes I know some of you wonder what's so hard about it, you can save someone else. I KNOW. That is one of the reasons why I want to come out. To save that possible next girl.

     But think about it from my point of view. How would you feel telling people about your first sexual encounter? Over and over again, to complete strangers, and IF your case goes to court having to tell it in front of loved ones who want to support you. embarressment right? Now imagine saying you didn't want that and seeing the look of loved ones face now. Or the fact there's no physical evidence. I see this doing more harm to me than good. Call it selfish, but oh well. My focus is on my life right now. My focus is to continue not being afraid to go to sleep, to not wake up with screaming nightmares. My focus is to try and not be paranoid, to jump at the slightest touch. So does making me live and speak out about what happened to me in as vivid as possible details and possibly see my assaulter(s) again help that? I believe not. I've come to this point where if i have a flashback, which I will time to time my whole life I don't wake up screaming. I've come to knowing that my brain is trying to mess with me at times. I've come to realize my paranoia is unrealistic.

     Yes I'll admit the pros. The guy can get caught before it evolves to more. I can save at least one girl. It MAY help me heal more or give me closer. At the end of it all I probably would be extrememly proud of myself.

     But I'm not perfect and for what it's worth mentioning, my therapist agrees with what I'm doing. Trust me, therapist do NOT lie to you. For those possible victims/survivors I am not saying don't tell at all. So please don't take it that way. I hope to one day be strong enough to come forward. You might think you're the only one that person assaulted chances are, you're not. But say a guy assaulted 10 girls. (I use guys because those were my assaulters it could be either or) 1 girl might have came forward just waiting for one of those other 9 girls to come forward, that will raise the police's eyebrows. Say one more comes up, pretty sure the police would want to prosue this guy now. There are strength in numbers. If this is currently happening to you, go to the doctor or hospital at least. Physical evidence is best in any case. You are not obligated to cooperate with the police, you can even start and stop. But at least they have evidence. To those of you out there who have been through this and have the courage to come forward, I truly look up to you. For those of you who don't think you're strong enough, dig down deep, think of since your assault how far have you came, then ask yourself honestly if you can or can't.

    My therapist challenged me this week to look at how far i've came both in life and since my assaults. I am honestly blown away. I did not realize how truly strong I am. I was always taught modesty and humbleness. To not boast or be cocky. But my therapist pointed out the Christ wasn't afraid, he knew what he was destine to do. He didn't fear what he did and acknowledge his strengths. That I should do the same. I know there's a reason I went through all this. Most likely one of the reasons was to learn to not be afraid to give myself credit or say "hey, i did that." I realized how silly it was of me to lie in my bed at night fearing they were out for me or the police banging on my door. I realize I had a new "monster under the bed" i was afraid of. That I was being childish. The mind is very strong and it tricked me for a very long time but I am in the process of retraining it no you don't have to fear them coming after you, even if they did I will not let them win. Excuse my french, but they sure as hell better not come ANYWHERE near me because if they do, if I don't get them physically, they WILL get a police report. I don't have to worry about the police (more explanation on that later) the people in my life who know won't tell them so I don't have to worry about dealing with them. I am safe in my own bed and alone. I got a light-sleeping dad and alarm. Plus a dog who barks when people come in my room especially at night.

     Oh and one more thing, yes I am a proud Catholic but I have my flaws, in the true me a curse... a lot.. (guess thats what happens when you're a navyman's daughter even if you hardly heard him speak any fowl language) At this time in my life I am stopping the strive for i guess "perfection" and being me. So there will be fowl language time to time. It is how i express my frustration. This blog was made to be honest and cursing is the honest me.  

recap

So I have no idea who reads this, but I'm hoping victims/survivors, loved ones of them etc is reading at least this post. I hope in me talking about my experiences it helps you in some way.

     These last few weeks have been real tough. As I've mentioned my attackers have all been white. The start of my most recent episodes was that a young man came to the door looking for yard work or something to do, I ended up getting hit on by him. Now since i've been out of school this was the first time n a very, very, long time that i got hit on by someone white. At first I was flattered, very flattered acutally, to be called beautiful after being abruptly woken up by a doorbell. But my mind was dwelling on it while i wasnt aware. It started with being more paranoid, i would constantly look all around me when i walked, especially alone, I had my always in reach tazer in hand. Gradually it became worst, i wasnt able to sleep at night, white guys who had already gain my trust i started watching more. Eventually, nightmares started happen an all guys were on high alert levels for me. I still bottled everything in except the complaints to my boyfriend because I didnt want to keep my parents up all night. Last week at its worst (and still kinda is) I can not sleep at night at all, if i do its only for a few hours. I woke up once with screaming and crying nightmares which ended up being only a 3 hour sleep for me. I was at my boyfriends house and my flashback that normally no one could touch me when i was having one, he had broke the wall and is the only one who can hold me and i feel SAFE when currently having one. Which also makes me feel bad because when i say only, that includes my parents...
     But it's frustrating in that, I do all what i can to control and calm down and theres literally nothing else i can do... I want to be more... i'm actually making better progress than most people, but me being me, i always set the bar higher. The best thing to do during flashbacks is bring yourself back to reality. yes, what was in your head actually happened in the past, but isnt happening in the present. Yes, it's frustrating that you have 8317513659 reasons that you are safe but you don't feel it. and yes you just want to sleep all day cuz u didnt during the night but pushing yourself to go to work or your day as usual is nececsary and possible. it will be hard to talk about what u been through and sometimes the people you do feel like you can open up to dont want to hear about it because they might murder someone.... be patient. Therapist are amazing, you figure out things in session but for some reason once you find that one person it 's a huge loaded lifted off you.


Well i'm rambling think this means its time to get off!
Peace, love, and healing
Aly

IS this real life?? And many thank yous

All I can say is wow! Today is the day I graduate high school. I never thought this day would come. For those of you who don't know me, since middle school I've been on an uphill battle with multiple illnesses that took forever to diagnos and numerous doctors (some that were fired by my family) to get to where I am today. The reason I never thought I would graduate was not because I had trouble in school, I was always in honor and AP programs back in public school, but the daily battle I had with my body. Getting up was so tough let alone get ready for school. That's what brought me to Cassata. It's a self pace private high school. You work on your own and your teacher is there to help and push you. Unlike most schools, it was only 3 hours. But that was too much for my body at times. Because I was smart I could have finished school in 1-2 year(s). But because I wasn't at school it took longer. Now, because I am focusing on moving on, I just got my GED to get school over with. But still, it was hard work. The GED test was easy but I still feel those gruesome hours working on school work, pages of notebook paper, and heavy textbooks up and down killer stairs paid of.

     And with class, I stick it to all those haters and nonbelievers. You tried to tear me down through out the years but you didn't win. You may have knocked me down but I got back up my God is bigger than any storm you try to give me. You said stuff like my pain wasn't real, I was getting my grades handed to me, and even considered me a dropout when I transferred schools. You tried to get my family in trouble with the law, it's called homebound keyword, HOME. You tried to intimidate my family and I to think we had no chance elsewhere when we did. There's a quote I found it talks about how people rain on your parade because they are tired of the shade from your sunshine and Taylor Swift says it herself, "people throw rocks at things that shine" well all the negative you gave me became a positive. You fueled me to work and fight harder. I appreciate the little thing more because of what you said and did. I am so greatful for every moment in my life. And so, I also want to thank you all you haters and nonbelievers, sometimes we need negativity instead of all positivity to push us forward and well, that's what you did. I would also like to say that I forgive you as well. 

     And now for some happier things!

     I would like to give thanks and praise to those who did believe in me and who stuck by my side especially since the begining. You guys are awesome! Even if you didn't know what to say or do you just showed your love to me and lifted my spirits. Your prayers helped heal me. A special thanks to all those who came to visit me in the hospital, kept me company via facebook, texting, etc, and to those who went above and beyond. But also yall treated me normal like nothing was wrong which means so much to me as well.

     My high school sweetheart who had issues of his own but would drop everything asap to be there for me. Who held me when I wasn't feeling good. Who was honest to me good or bad, who came to the hospital to be with me when he absolutely hates them, and who also stayed with me even though because of all my sickness I reminded him of his deceased mother. I will always love you and will never love anyone like I love you, your tenderness always helped. Just talking to you or getting a hug even smelling your scent always calmed me down when nothing else did. Sometimes hearing things from you even if I heard it from the rest of the world stuck when you said it. 

     To my church, from rosaries, chaplets, and just regular prayer you guys lifted my soul to God and not only heal me physically but spiritually. You were there for me and my family. You guys were the ones who kept my parents and I out of the crazy house. From all this to rides, and more you helped my family tremendously. 

     To my school, I have to specifically mention Mrs. Martin, Mrs. Fowler, Mr. Anderson, and Mrs. Cheatham. Man, you guys are really the best thing ever. You always made sure I was okay, made me laugh when I needed it, guide me through life, support me, and push me. When the decision came to get my GED instead of diploma and I wasn't sure yall reassured me that this is what's best for me. That although I was close it was time to move on with my life and that I'll be just find. It is because of yall along with other teachers that I will smile when I look back at my years at Cassata. 

     To my girls most of yall i've known since kindergarten. Even though distance and time kept us apart off and on we would act like it never happened. You girls have my heart and I love yall so much. Thanks for being there for me at all times. I will always have crazy memories of us but also sincere moments where we had deep conversations.

     To all those who have treated me medically, without your perservernce man, I have no idea where I would be. From finding what's wrong with me to treating me with the most affect way that wouldnt make other things worst or cost too much you guys worked so hard.
    To those new to my life now, yall accepted me for who I am. You help push me and do your best to help but also treat me normal and not like some china doll. Yall watch out for me and aren't afraid to ask question about my illnesses.
     But most of all, to my family. My brother and his family for being there when they can, helping me get out when I was feeling well enough. Other members who would pray for us and send encouraging words. And of course, my parents. You saw me suffer through so much pain, I learned how that felt when Mikey was sick and dad had pneoumia. You want to do anything you possibly can to help even if it was taking the pain yourself. But all that you could was comfort me and give me meds and thats all, even then sometimes it didnt work. Your sacrifice of work hours, sleep, and money will forever be appreciated. You guys are my rock. Yall formed me into the woman I am today and I am forever greatful for everything. We have our ups and downs but as far as I'm concern, yall are the best parents ever. Yeah you could have laid off on the overprotectiveness but I understand that you want to protect your child, especially your youngest.
Well, I should get some shut eye! Got a long day tomorrow!