The Meltdown

 "Upset" by sexfiend

This is part two of this series. Click here to read Part 1

This is where some people may draw the line, where what I'm about to say is considered "too personal." But then this blog would be pointless.  

I'll admit I tend to be emotional but never dramatic. But for the past couple of weeks I have noticed things building up and for the first time in awhile, I have not a clue what to do, I'm upset, I just want this pain to end and I want it gone now. I want to be able to go to school and work, I want to drive, I feel like I've been stuck at 15 in certain ways and it sucks. I don't want to be treated like a child or an elder, I hate it, I'm sick of my life revolving around my illnesses and it makes me mad.
And it sucks because people try to help me, but besides prayers all they can do is tell me "everything is going to be alright" etc... but right now, I don't want to hear it. Those words get so old so quick. I know people have good intentions but just because they do doesn't require me to take it that way. Surprisingly, this includes my family both biological and spoonie. No words can help. I just roll my eyes at the positivity and have everyone's thoughts and opinions dwell in my head making the subject stuck there even more. Having my spoonies saying they wouldn't be able to do what I'm going through just brought me down even more. Having my family say that they'll support me no matter what made me feel pressured somehow, I'm not quiet sure how but it did.

This is my "darkest hours" this is me, someone who is constantly told how strong she is, crumbling. And you know what? IT'S OKAY. We all go through times of trouble, we're SUPPOSED to. Even the strongest person has to stumble, and in my opinion, it's well worth it. Why? Because when you reach the light at the end of the tunnel you appreciate everything so much more. This is my time to gain new appreciation for the good in my life.

 http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/money/sick.jpg

Whenever I have serious thoughts in my head I tend to zone out real bad. I've been doing it more and more lately. My parent's have noticed this and have been talking to me. It get's really confusing. I know and have always known that my parents will do anything for me. That they know I'm 20, almost 21 so I legally make my own healthcare decisions. They help me with the facts and if asked, give their opinion. But both sides get frustrated and that can lead to heat. We're all tired of me being in pain. No one wants to see their loved one in pain nor does anyone want to be in pain.

Throughout the years I've had times when I was so emotionally upset that my parents know to just let me be. No matter how much they want to help me stop it's best they didn't. It ends much prettier when they do. Thankfully, we all learned that less while going through my teenage years (wow that makes me sound old!)  I'm honestly at a point where I have no clue what to do, I really don't. I don't want to give up but I'm so tired of fighting. I'm not an angry person especially towards others. But with this life (illnesses) I have so much hate, anger, and frustration towards it. It occasionally brings a real ugly side to me that unfortunately only my folks see and are victims of. Which makes me even more upset because I in no way intend to treat them like that especially after all they have done for me.

 http://warriorfitness.org/2012/05/16/muscle-confusion-got-ya-confused/

Recently I lost it after one of my parent's and my discussions. I went into my bathroom, started breathing heavy and just threw everything off of my counter. I stood leaning over the counter just trying to stay calm and doing my best not to cry but then I bursted into tears. I cried so hard that I just kinda crumbled onto the ground and curled up into a ball lying on the floor. Still crying my eyes out, I wanted my dog so I somehow managed to hobble over to my room, grab her, and just laid on the floor for awhile. I either passed out or fell asleep for a bit idk which. When I woke up I went into my bathroom to pick everything up. Of course, my body being the way it is was thrown for a loop by this meltdown and started shutting down, my parents were there to help me up and through it.

 "Frustration" by turnnburnkota

All of this has made me question a lot of things that once were all I wanted from life. I've always wanted a family. I LOVE kids. I just do. Luckily, none of my illnesses or medication causes infertility. But it makes me second guess everything. Do I really want to put someone through living hell? Do I want to make someone I love and care for have to carry me around? Is it worth putting all the burden on someone just so I can have a husband and kids? What if this is genetic and it passes on to them? I wouldn't wish this to anyone. So why should I have kids if there's even the SLIGHTEST chance of them having any of this? Do I want to put more stress on my family to help me and my husband raise my kids because I don't have the strength? The more I think about it, the more I'm against achieving those dreams. I don't want to drag anymore people down.

So often I just want to break down and cry. But crying just makes it all worse. It leaves you drained physically, emotionally and mentally causing your body to shut down. As much as we don't want to admit it, stress triggers many, if not all illnesses. Our bodies are still capable of having symptoms when we're not stressed or upset, but if we are, our symptoms can show up or make existing ones worse. Ever since March my passing out spells has come and gone more frequently and as you saw in my first post, frustration was building up. My approaching procedure didn't help me emotionally either. I went from being able to hang out with a couple friends to stuck in bed because of pain and exhaustion, my sleep "schedule" went out the door, and my appetite would vary mainly because of my several GI conditions. With my increased frustration there were times I wanted to give in. I wanted to cry, scream, and throw things. All I would think is how I wished I was healthy enough to go to the batting cages and release some of my anger. But my true self fought against my negativity. I can get through this, I don't need to waste my energy over something I can't control. That God gave me this battle because he KNOWS I can make it through. So now my body was at war against itself mentally and emotionally as well.

Emotional II Abstract Painting by K. Madison Moore

Thing kept tumbling down, I got new symptoms, "Great!" I thought, "more hoops to jump through. More possible test, specialists etc, I would have to deal with. " But I reassured myself that I got this. This is just my body being fussy. But within myself I was in denial. I was getting closer to breaking and like I tell my fellow spoonies, we all need time to be down in the dumps, we just gotta pick ourselves up before it's too late.  I wished I was in the movie "Click" where I could pause or fast forward anything. I was getting to a point where I just wanted it to end, I wasn't suicidal, but I wanted things to actually get better and have the pain go away.

And then it happened, the scariest moment of my life. I already had my emotional meltdown but this was my body having a meltdown from all the stress and pain. I was in the shower and like usual I had my mom close by to listen in case I fell or passed out. All I remember was stepping out the shower but what we think happened was as I was stepping out of the shower I passed out, my head hit the tub and my right hip hit the toilet. My mom tried to help me up but was unable to, she tried to get me dressed but I was in such agony it didn't workout. My dad felt uncomfortable coming in there since I was naked. I may be his child but I was his adult daughter who deserved privacy. Unfortunately, this was a time where health came before respect. They picked me up off the floor, got me dressed and laid me in bed. I was completely out of it, very lethargic and because my head hurt they were concern I had a concussion.

"I Don't Need Anything" by akirakirai

So off we went to the ER... Apparently I was in such bad shape when we arrived that they immediately put me in triage and then off into the trauma side of the ER. I was wearing a neck brace at one point and they did a work up on me which included a CT and X-ray of everywhere I was hurting. Everything came back alright.
But that wasn't the end, since  I was ok the doctor allowed me to have a shot of morphine. At this point I was out of a lethargic state but wasn't all there. I got confused, I thought I had an IV so I was wondering why they were going to give me a shot. Turns out they just drew blood and didn't put an IV in me. My response to all this was what my parent's call "the devil child" I started crying, screaming and yelling that I didn't want to. My nurse and parents tried to convince me other wise but I wasn't having it. They also tried to calm me down. It's no excuse but I think at that point I was so frustrated that I lost it again. I was tired of needles, narcotics, pain meds, nurses, and vitals. I was tired of, "Everything is normal! But we don't know what's wrong with her." I was tired of it all and at the time I wasn't me so I wasn't able to control my emotions.

During "the devil child" time I passed out several times in front of the nurse. They would wake me up but I kept going, my body had enough. I finally passed out one more time and they just let me be. I woke up later completely confused. I recalled grabbing my towel, remembered random spots of our way to the ER and that was it. I was asking a bunch of questions.
What happened?
How did we get here?
What was going on?
Why was I in a trauma room?
They explained it all, including "the devil child" moment. And for whatever reason, I was in denial, I thought that they were lying to me but I knew my parents would never do anything like that.
I was then presented another chance to have the morphine shot and I took it. Shortly after, the doctor was in to discharge us and off we went.

"Bye" by akirakirai

Since that incident I would break down crying randomly confused and scared about my procedure. Nothing my parent's said or showed helped. I was so scared. The thing that scared me was 1. I had to be awake and 2. a needle would be digging into where I hurted. All I wanted was it to get over and done with. There was much anxiety, stress, nervousness, and doubt. How was I supposed to be completely ok with this situation without the guarantee of success? My parents were concern about my emotional state but like previously discussed between each other, I was desperate for relief and willing to try anything that could potentially help even if it set my emotional or mental state for a loop. I was clinging onto hope that all this hell will be worth it in the end. That this indeed will help me become pain free

The Build-Up

If you know me, or have had any interaction with me you know I am a very positive person. 

I've been told all the things a positive spoonie hears: 

"You're so strong!" 

"I really look up to you."

"I don't see how you do it." 

"It's amazing how strong your faith is."

And honestly, it's comments like those that keep me going sometimes. 

Michael Ancher, "The Sick Girl" 1882

Because the truth is, the people in my life don't see the Aly at home or in the hospital. You get to see the Aly having a good day or the Aly that is pushing herself.

Very rarely will you see at home or hospital Aly. It's not that I'm afraid, I just don't want to make a scene or make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want pity or sorrow. I don't want you to feel even worse for me. But this post isn't about that. 

This is the straightforward and blunt Aly. And the reason as always is, I want to show my spoonie family that yes, we all have those completely blinding dark days that we think we will never escape. I'm here to show those who are healthy that we spoonies honestly hide so much from yall. There's a reason why they're called invisible illnesses. But like I said earlier, this post isn't about that. This is a post about a spoonie being completely honest.

Almost a year ago I went on my journey with my amazing family to Arizona in search of answers from one of the top hospitals in the country. We got some answers and I had a pain med injection which had me pain free. Unfortunately, my body plummeted  after several months, I was back in pain which obviously was very frustrating. Thus started more doctor appointments. I got a pain management doctor where I live, Awesome! I thought, we'll just have them repeat the procedure. And so it happened. But I was still in pain, turns out there was 2 different set of nerves and that x-ray injections are different than ultrasound injections. So due to the second set of nerves that didn't receive relief I got another. My doctor then mention a procedure to burn the nerve that was causing my pain and cease it I was so excited I thought I have found my holy grail! My pain came back less than a month after so we schedule the nerve burning procedure for this coming Wednesday.

Since my pain came back things have become very difficult. The daily frustrations were my "normal" and didn't really affect me that much. However, having a procedure that I had previously that last me 6-8 months barely last me one, troubled me. I did what every human being does during tough times and started asking why. 

Why me?
Why didn't it last that long?

Why am I experiencing intense pain?
Why must I go through this and when will it end?

Credit Unknown

As time went on, my pain became stronger I went from using my cane rarely to using it every time I got up. My pain doctor prescribed me a high dose of hydrocodone and I'm stuck taking them because it's that bad. Even then, it doesn't do too much for my pain and I hate it. I don't like the high it gives me, I try to go back and forth between that and my other pain med that isn't a narcotic. Narcotics scare me. Not only is there a potential for addiction but the side effects can make my GI issues worse. My energy went down the drain. I would sleep through weekends only getting up to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. 

I HATE this but I keep myself preoccupied so I don't think about it. Needing someone to help you walk around sucks. Not being able to just get out the house with just anyone sucks. EVERYTHING ABOUT HOMEBOUND SUCKS! This isn't the life you're supposed to have in your twenties. You're supposed to struggle surviving school and finding the balance between working enough hours to pay bills but while still having time to study. You're not supposed to struggle getting to point A to point B or questioning if it's really worth getting out of bed when no one is home just in case you pass out. Although not having to deal with the now 100 degree weather is great and probably the only good thing in this situation.

I thought hanging in there till my procedure would be a manageable. It was at first, because all I did was sleep. But recently it has become increasingly difficult. When I had my appointment to set up the procedure I was in so much pain, my dad was with me in the room because I was crying my eyes out. My doctor was explaiing the procedure but I was unable to think so any questions I had didn't get answered. And either dad was okay with it or felt it was not his place to ask questions. So I reached out to my spoonie community, did research online and learned what I was getting myself into. I was already scared, just the injection procedure hurt so much more compared to how it was at Mayo. I was traumatized by my injections and now I'm expected to go through that again but also have it a little more invasive.

I couldn't find many people who have had this procedure so I was in the dark. But the few I talked to and the ones I found on message boards didn't help at all. All I saw were people who backed out or said the procedure was living hell and at most, had relief for almost a year. I was told that this would give me 1-3 years of relief and the way my doctor explained the procedure was totally different. (But I was looking up the same procedure.) My intent was to find information to help me calm down, not to make me worse.

I'm already scared and nervous at the fact that I have to be awake for the procedure. Sure, I'm sedated and they slightly numb  but no one willingly just allows a needle to be jabbed where they are having pain. My doctor told me I would have to help him find where it hurt the most. I would be less upset if I was guaranteed results but I am not. I'm apparently crazy/desperate enough to let them do it anyways. Frankly, I'm scared shitless, I can't sleep... I just... I can't... I just want to get this over and done with because being stuck here waiting is so intense. My pain is already bad enough but the added, I guess, emotional and mental pain is overwhelming. But of course, my health isn't the only thing I have to deal. There are many things in my personal life going on as well and it's not all rainbows and flowers.

I commented on a fellow spoonie post. The topic was that people think cancer is the "worse" chronic illness out there. But all spoonies know no illness is greater or lesser than another. A lot of "normal" or as I like to call it, healthy people tend to ask if my illnesses are life threatening and when I say they're not they try to be positive and say, "well that's good!" Sorry to disappoint you but it's not. To me they're equal. Obviously having your life at risk is huge but so is your life completely changing and never returning back to "normal." Not having your life at risk pretty much means living hell for the rest of your life. And honestly, if any of my illnesses were life threatening it would make saying yes to every procedure, surgery, medication etc so much easier I feel. Knowing my numbered days are coming quick I'd do anything to stay fighting and have a good day to simply enjoy everything. But this isn't fact because the only way we can know for sure is when we're in those shoes and thankfully I'm not.

Having a non-life threatening illness that you know causes pain for the rest of your life makes you question the things to "help" with pain. Part of me feels like what's the point. What's the point if I'm going to put my body through more trauma for a possibility of it helping me? What's the point if it does help but doesn't last that long? Is it worth trying whatever new thing that's out there? Or something that is questionable? What's the point of wasting so many people's time, energy and my parent's money on something temporary and not long term? I sometimes wonder if I should just stay at home. But that's not fair to my parents. They deserve for me to out of their house and paying for all of my medicines, doctors, etc..

You face a lot of questions being chronically ill. You just have to learn to let yourself feel the proper amount. Life isn't made to be sunshine and daisies everyday, we are made to struggle. But it doesn't mean we should just waddle in self pity forever. There is a time and place for everything. You fall, let your body/mind figure out what's going on and then you pick yourself back up doing whatever needs to be done and move on.

This is part one of a two part series. Click here to read Part 2

Beauty in Pain and Suffering.

Now I have to admit, things have definately haven't gone the way I imagined lately.... And for the first time in a long, long time, I've asked myself why... I've gotten down and really depressed, still kinda am but not as bad...

But when  I was questioning why dont I just die or why cant i live life something kept playing in the back of my head, how Saints I've looked up to suffered and took the suffering. Now, I probably went around this the wrong way at first.. maybe still am... I would just not take any meds and not tell anyone (sorry mom and dad) They suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually. They did it for the glory of God. But I cant help but wonder how did they know? Some of them had encounters with God we know about but what about the others? How did they know? I'll admit I haven't been the best Catholic lately, but I do have the faith, I trust that God is doing this for a reason but I just don't know why..

And then there's today... Good Friday... when Christ went through so much torcher, pain and suffereing for the sake of us to have eternal life with him. Now, I am in no way comparing myself to Christ or Saints I'm far from that but it gives me strength in some weird way.

I've accepted that the life God has for me currently is a lot of pain, lost friendships, loneliness, a whole bunch of frustration, tears, and yearning for normalcy. I've accepted that there will be things I cant have and things I can but still have to bust my butt to get. I've accepted that jobs, school, and anything that I will have to be considered "relliable" for will come and go because its my health isn't reliable. I've accepted that the life I have hardly anyone can relate to or come close to even understanding.

I know I've come a long way from 7 years ago but the cycle gets very old... and now that i'm more aquanted with the real world... it sucks even more to try and wade it out or watch how much medication I take because of cost... Or to not complain and fight through so I can make money and go to work instead of going to doctors or hospitals and putting my family's money down the drain.

But that's probably the toughest part. When to fight and push and when to get help. I know anyone in life has issues with that in life such as when their coming down with a cold... It's just hard to keep hope... with hospitals they just get me comfortable run test, find nothing, release me and tell me to talk to my doctors... with my doctors its ok lets talk to all doctors check things out, nothing is ever found.

Now that I have this adhesions problem its a debate to open me or not... you see adhesions can't be seen unless you open the person up. It's a film your body produces and surgery can make it more likely, people can go their whole life with adhesions and not have a single problem, others arent as lucky. The two times they removed adhesions I got lucky because it was a ticking time bomb until i lost whatever part the adhesions was slowly wrapping around. They're occuring more often... and so far, there's no way to prevent them... so its open, remove as much as we can, close me up and hope i'll last for awhile...

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone... be it the physical pain or seeing it affect your loved one. The pain I see in my parents seeing me like this, is the worst pain imaginable... The look on my team of doctors and nurses face.... is just as bad... to see them clueless whats going on and how to help... I've been wondering what's worst, being told you're going to die or being told they don't know whats wrong.

i've also been wondering that what if there's one single underlying cause of this all... something so rare that people who are helping me now dont know about it...

Lost

Note this is a real personal blog entry.

Tonight we got word that my uncle in the Philippines died. It's bittersweet, he has been suffering for years with illnesses and is now at rest and no longer in pain but it's sad I never got to meet him.. I really don't know where I came from. My uncle was the only immediate biological family on my mom's side we had. Now don't get me wrong I'm thankful for the families that "adopted" us, but I wonder where I came from, why I am the way I am. Besides my family I have met very little of my biological relatives. Some full relative and other half relatives.... but I cant help but feel an emptiness.... everyone talks about how it is with their relatives and how much they look alike but I have no idea... My mom said when I was little I was a spitting image of my Aunt. I've seen a few pictures from my cousins and when I was little saw some pictures they would send but after awhile the phone calls and letters stopped. This was most likely because they did not have the money to do so. My mom was from a poor part of the Philippines. And I know some people are thinking "be grateful for what you have" or "at least you know who your parents are" and while yes this is all true I deserve to be down in the dumps too.

But what I'm mostly afraid of is how my mom will get through this. My mom is very emotional, to points it affects her diabetes and blood pressure we almost have to take her to the hospital because of her hysterical crying and carrying on.... That's why I cringe whenever there is bad news to give my mom. Although we had no idea this was coming. It was crazy though, my mom told my dad earlier today she felt like something bad was going to happen and she was right.

It's really hard on my mom because like many third world countries out there they think those who live in America have so much money. Most of yall probably are in America that reads this and know money isn't that easy. With my family we have just barely enough to live paycheck to paycheck. But I know my mom is feeling the guilt of not being able to send more. She knows deep down inside that there was nothing she could do but still feels the guilt.

After my mom calmed down I went to bed and told my boyfriend and all the tears just came out.... And something I wasn't expecting to hear came from him, he told me to say the rosary and divine mercy chaplet. My boyfriend and I are both catholic and we have faith but have been lacking in the devoting part. We ask each other to pray for one another when we need it and we truly believe in our faith but I guess the only excuse we can have is life gets in the way of the whole going to mass and things of that matter. So I wasn't quiet expecting that to come out of his mouth. But maybe it's a sign... because of things that has happened within my church I've stopped going. But maybe its a sign, oh who am i kidding, God is showing me he wants me back. I want to so bad but the things that has happened at my church makes it so uncomfortable to be there...  But I know this is an adventure I should take up and I'm going to try with all my might to do so.

Well that's all I got for right now. And for all yall that has read all this thank you. Although I know some might come across this that I don't want to but oh well. All I can say is just because my family has issues that yours don't or I sin differently than you doesn't make you or me any better than each other so stop judging. Might sound harsh but that's the truth. And your words and actions may have hurt me before but I am going to do my best to not let you have the upper hand to where I avoid certain places because that's not who I am and how my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be strong, yeah you might have knocked me down for awhile but I will ALWAYS get right back up.

A short goodbye to Texas???

So I'm currently suffering a bad flare of my IBS... right now feels more like Crohn's but basically i'm having stomach issues. I saw my doctor today and he wants to see if he can get me into Mayo Clinic. For those of you who don't know Mayo Clinic is a St Jude's for rare/crohnic/multiple illnesses. They have 3 locations Arizona, Florida, and Minnesota.

This is ver overwhelmming for me because most liekly only one parent can come while the other one stays and work. Money onviously is a big factor and i gotta leave home.... home where both my parents are, family comes and visit, my dog, and boyfriend is.... all of which keep me going... I'm really scared and although it hasn't been confirmed yet if i'm going... it's scary... Its proven time and time again at home comfort helps me heal the most. And we dont know how long i'll have to be at whichever place i go...

This is really heavy on me i can't sleep.... More updates to follow but please keep us in your prayers... idk how we're gonna make it but we will....

More CFW

So life has recently been so hectic that I never finished my week at camp. I'm going to be brief because of my horrible memory.

The rest of the week went great, Wednesday my group went to the nursing home where two of our site cordinators managed to get a resident to socialize with everyone else. This lady is quiet the kicker! She didn't come out before because she would try to make everyone laugh but they wouldn't and just made her feel not part of the group. I got to spend a lot of time with her she was so sweet! I also met a filipino lady my heart went out to her because she was so exhausted even listening was difficult for her. But she was in better spirit after lunch and when i told her bye in Tagalog she was in a better mood. I got to spend time with this one resident who has left a lasting impact on me. She litterally has no family or friends, they all have past. So she always passes out her bracelets she wins at bingo to girls so she knows she'll be remembered. She reminded me of my nana, her hair was exactly like hers.

Thursday we got to stay on home site and we painted walls. Good thing my headache was gone! It was pretty awesome though to see the bond of my group. We even had some fun with the paint.

Our messiness

Friday was baby beds we basically stacked them up and cleaned up. Then the ladies who distribute them to families in need came and we helped them load up.

As for the faith growing, Wednesday was reconsilation totally misspelled that... It's always very emotional and this year God used me to help a camper who is also a victim/survivor of being molested. It still chokes me up thinking about that.

Thursday is Circle of Love. We sit in a circle, pass around a mic and get to talk about how camp has touched us. I got a couple shout outs and I broke down crying plenty of times.

My blog doesn't do it justice... maybe next time i'll bring my laptop and just write each night.

I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted but there is plenty to write about so hopefully i'll find time to write more soon.

Love,
Aly

one step forward two step back...

So a couple things lately has struck the "touchy" chord for me... I mean its one thing that i'm on my period which means hormonal overload...
it's been managable untill this last string....

A girl from North Texas was kidnapped by her assualter and was murdered. I realize that's a very harsh nutshell but.... that took me a good 20 mins just to write....

This has caused a huge stir inside of me....i feel frozen right now...

you see i use to be afraid to sleep not only because of nightmares...  but fear that they were gonna come and get me...

what freaks me out even more is that this guy disguised himself.......

ok i thought writting about this would help but its not... alright bye.

oops! back to the weekend!

So I failed to mention a huge chunk in my story... You see, my faith is strong but my imperfections are great. I was excited for camp but as camp got closer i started doubting if i should be there. I didn't want to be one of those people who was do as i say not as I do. I was going to remain honest to campers no matter what. It felt really awkward at first because some people there were tremendously in faith and I honestly felt like I was experiencing something new when for the most part I wasn't. I felt like I was going to mass after not being there for a month, its an overwhelming feeling. It felt as if someone pushed me into the deep end of the pool when i just barely new how to swim. Yeah... scary... I quickly learn that my hardest issue would be my potty mouth. Yes, I curse... a lot! At work I can control it and I don't use it a lot online but when it's just me and people who i know won't give me crap about it I use it. But by Sunday morning my potty mouth was very much in control.

     Like I said on the weekend post, we have some of our own faith growing activities and it was different for me in that I didn't get the indescribable feeling like I always did. Which was weird because i was pouring my heart out. I did start to feel it but it wasn't the usual suddent overwhelmingness I would get. Which made me doubt even more why I should be here. I mean they would be find without me right? Besides, yeah I knew everyone on a-team but i wasn't that close to anyone it wouldn't be like they would miss me. In fact i was sure that if i left by wednesday they wouldn't even have thought about me.

     So saturday night i started texting my boyfriend, my best friend who also attended camp the same number of years as me, and my dad. Both my best friend and boyfriend were point blank saying i should be there. My boyfriend swore I deserved to be there expecially feeling the way I did, my dad also pointed that out. My best friend told me about her camp experience this year and offered prayers. At this point I'm balling my eyes out because I'm so lost and confused. Then one of the a-team girls saw me passing by trying to wipe my tears before she could see me but i was too late, i was caught. So we went into one of the bathrooms for privacy and just talked. She made me feel like I wasn't alone but at the end I was still confused. My dad was still texting me and was reassuring me that i was there for a reason but it was my choice to stay or not.  But I needed someone else to talk to still so I called my "camp sister" I explained how I was feeling and she explained she was going through similar things and that she was there for me. But then, I got a feeling I haven't felt in about a year... I was feelng suicidal. My mind started racing even more. I've been taking my meds so its not that, yeah this situation isnt the best but why am I feeling suicidal. I told my dad and because of is sense of helplessness because he wasn;t there he kind of blew up on me but my camp sister was there to help me sort through my feelings. At this point I was drained and just decided t try and sleep with no decision made.

   I woke up Sunday not having any negative thoughts in mind and just ready to pour myself into what i was doing.

let's talk about love...

Ok so I haven't slept at all so if I make no sense what so ever, you know why.
I want to talk about love. All our life we're told what love is or how to love. But how can you do so? There's the five love languages, which are different ways how you show someone you love them and how you desire to be loved. For those of you who are not familiar with this I'll briefly explain them. The first language is Words of Affirmation- i love you, you look beautiful, what would i do without you, etc. The second love language is Quality time- putting down the remote (or laptop) to listen to someone. The third is receiving gifts, as in THOUGHTFUL gifts, such as, oh i saw this at the store the other day and I totally had to get it for you. The fourth is act of service- no, let me do the laundry this time, hey I'll watch the kids tonight you guys go on a date. The last one is physical touch, and not just the behind the closed doors stuff, its holding hands, a pat on the back, or even a high five.
The five love languages are not just lover to lover but on any type of relationships. You can show or want more than one kind but most the time one or two dominates.
     So proving there's different ways to love brings me to my next thought. I myself have truly been in love 3 times. I personally believe there are different kind of love, now bare with me here people.
     My first love was i guess what you could call puppy dog love, ya know, you love everything the other person did, there was no pushing of buttons, you both liked the exact same thing and if not they introduced you to it and you fell in love with it. There was not a thing in the world this person could do wrong and you thought they were perfect if not, near it. You most likely never ever fought with this person and hardly had any negative feelings.
   My second love is my high school sweetheart. Guess we can call it blinded by love? This love when it happened was like woah, ok this is love, like REAL love that people get married over. You would do anything and everything to make that person happy even if in the very end it was getting rid of you. This love can be complicated, there's a lot of back and forth. You go through stages where when you are in the separation stage you fight for yalls love. Ya know the take me back please, i can't live without you etc. But then there's also a short most of the time, acceptance stage where you just care about them being happy even if it's not with you. I call this blinded by love because it is not till after the whole relationship is over do you see the persons flaws and wonder how the hell you stayed with that person for sooooo long and was able to put up with them. It is also a blind love because you have a "reputation" or mold to fill and constantly feel forced, aware or not, to act, be, or even in some people's cases, look a certain way. Don't get me wrong, this love can be amazing and a lot of work but in the end has you scratching your head sometimes.
  My third and current love is by far the best. I'm not just saying this  because I am currently with the person and doubt he reads this blog.... probably doesn't even know I have this blog.... anywho... I don't want to call this true love or the one because it'll be considered cheesy, so let's call it the accepting love. This form of love is when you can tell this person anything with no hesitation. Blunt honesty, no stutter, no trying to say it but you get tongue tied or just can't spit it out, you're always just able to tell them. Its something I've never had in any relationship before except with one other person who is my i guess girl version of my boyfriend. It's amazing because they know ALL of your dirt, how you think, how you're annoying, and yet don't judge you which means they never think less of you. These relationships you are able to tell things you've NEVER or have had a hard time telling other people about. Example, my boyfriend knows things about what I've been through that no one else knows. Yes. That kind of love.
     Which brings me to the point of this post. All our lives we wait for what we were taught or view love when most likely it's not going to happen that way. I mean my generation grew up with this poor poor girl gets saved by a knight in shinning armor, because a princess, and lives happily ever after. umm.... reality check??? Or society now is saying love is sex and lots of it. Now don't get me wrong with this next part, i LOVE my religion and faith I truly do, but we're taught that if we devote ourselves to our faith we'll find our significant other... ya know, the whole "A woman should be so in love with God that a man must seek him in order to find him" now I'm not saying that doesn't have truth in it. I believe God makes what should happen happen regardless but, I disagree with the whole we must be so devoted to serve him to find the one.
     Keeping on the religious note, God even has different ways of loving. There's the ever loving and forgiving  and tough love side. Just like our parents. Even that brings up another love which I'll just categorize as family.
     We're taught about love all our life. When all I think is to it is this.
You'll know love when you have it.
No how to, no what to expect, no building of expectations, just plain and simple. Because we all love in a different way, show love differently, and at least in my case feel love differently with different people/relationships.

So it's been awhile since I've post. Not much has happened. Went on a two week vacation with my boyfriend and his family, brother got back from afghanistan, and dealing with my physical health lately.

   Question for my audience out there, do you ever wish, hope pray, etc for something so bad that once it finally happens you're totally over it? Yes? No?

   Well that is me. Let's call the guy Peter. Ever since Peter and I broke up (it was a really bad break up) all I wanted was his friendship. That was it. Yes i still had feelings for him but I just really wanted his friendship. You see Peter was my first love, the guy I lost my virginity to, (sorry family reading this but I said I was gonna be honest) he was my high school sweetheart that I SWORE I was going to marry. Yes, I was that nievve girl thinking that my first true love was going to last no matter what, eve almost 2,000 miles and freshman year of his college years. Anyways, we broke up, it was messy. Then afterwards I would beg and plea for his friendship only to make things even worst. Recently we've been talking over facebook and we're actually being civil, be shock I know. But now that things are going smooth I don't know if I still want his friendship. I mean I'm still giving him a chance at friendship though. It's just, I was blind, I thought for the longest time that this is the best out there and I'll never find anything like this or better. Boy was I wrong! When he started talking to me again it made me realize things about him that I never noticed. Yes everyone has their flaws but these were things that REALLY bugged me. It made me wonder about how our relationship when we were together. I'm not saying we didn't have a good relationship, we did, it has plenty of memories and uniqueness but there were areas that was "blinded by love" which i'm not saying is good or bad. I honestly dont know if it is one or the other. But it was definitely a learning experience.

   Currently I am battling pain on my lower right side, they think it might be adhesions. sorry for a short post but I felt guilty for not posting anything in awhile even though I probably made no sense because of the hydrocodon.