The Build-Up

If you know me, or have had any interaction with me you know I am a very positive person. 

I've been told all the things a positive spoonie hears: 

"You're so strong!" 

"I really look up to you."

"I don't see how you do it." 

"It's amazing how strong your faith is."

And honestly, it's comments like those that keep me going sometimes. 

Michael Ancher, "The Sick Girl" 1882

Because the truth is, the people in my life don't see the Aly at home or in the hospital. You get to see the Aly having a good day or the Aly that is pushing herself.

Very rarely will you see at home or hospital Aly. It's not that I'm afraid, I just don't want to make a scene or make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want pity or sorrow. I don't want you to feel even worse for me. But this post isn't about that. 

This is the straightforward and blunt Aly. And the reason as always is, I want to show my spoonie family that yes, we all have those completely blinding dark days that we think we will never escape. I'm here to show those who are healthy that we spoonies honestly hide so much from yall. There's a reason why they're called invisible illnesses. But like I said earlier, this post isn't about that. This is a post about a spoonie being completely honest.

Almost a year ago I went on my journey with my amazing family to Arizona in search of answers from one of the top hospitals in the country. We got some answers and I had a pain med injection which had me pain free. Unfortunately, my body plummeted  after several months, I was back in pain which obviously was very frustrating. Thus started more doctor appointments. I got a pain management doctor where I live, Awesome! I thought, we'll just have them repeat the procedure. And so it happened. But I was still in pain, turns out there was 2 different set of nerves and that x-ray injections are different than ultrasound injections. So due to the second set of nerves that didn't receive relief I got another. My doctor then mention a procedure to burn the nerve that was causing my pain and cease it I was so excited I thought I have found my holy grail! My pain came back less than a month after so we schedule the nerve burning procedure for this coming Wednesday.

Since my pain came back things have become very difficult. The daily frustrations were my "normal" and didn't really affect me that much. However, having a procedure that I had previously that last me 6-8 months barely last me one, troubled me. I did what every human being does during tough times and started asking why. 

Why me?
Why didn't it last that long?

Why am I experiencing intense pain?
Why must I go through this and when will it end?

Credit Unknown

As time went on, my pain became stronger I went from using my cane rarely to using it every time I got up. My pain doctor prescribed me a high dose of hydrocodone and I'm stuck taking them because it's that bad. Even then, it doesn't do too much for my pain and I hate it. I don't like the high it gives me, I try to go back and forth between that and my other pain med that isn't a narcotic. Narcotics scare me. Not only is there a potential for addiction but the side effects can make my GI issues worse. My energy went down the drain. I would sleep through weekends only getting up to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. 

I HATE this but I keep myself preoccupied so I don't think about it. Needing someone to help you walk around sucks. Not being able to just get out the house with just anyone sucks. EVERYTHING ABOUT HOMEBOUND SUCKS! This isn't the life you're supposed to have in your twenties. You're supposed to struggle surviving school and finding the balance between working enough hours to pay bills but while still having time to study. You're not supposed to struggle getting to point A to point B or questioning if it's really worth getting out of bed when no one is home just in case you pass out. Although not having to deal with the now 100 degree weather is great and probably the only good thing in this situation.

I thought hanging in there till my procedure would be a manageable. It was at first, because all I did was sleep. But recently it has become increasingly difficult. When I had my appointment to set up the procedure I was in so much pain, my dad was with me in the room because I was crying my eyes out. My doctor was explaiing the procedure but I was unable to think so any questions I had didn't get answered. And either dad was okay with it or felt it was not his place to ask questions. So I reached out to my spoonie community, did research online and learned what I was getting myself into. I was already scared, just the injection procedure hurt so much more compared to how it was at Mayo. I was traumatized by my injections and now I'm expected to go through that again but also have it a little more invasive.

I couldn't find many people who have had this procedure so I was in the dark. But the few I talked to and the ones I found on message boards didn't help at all. All I saw were people who backed out or said the procedure was living hell and at most, had relief for almost a year. I was told that this would give me 1-3 years of relief and the way my doctor explained the procedure was totally different. (But I was looking up the same procedure.) My intent was to find information to help me calm down, not to make me worse.

I'm already scared and nervous at the fact that I have to be awake for the procedure. Sure, I'm sedated and they slightly numb  but no one willingly just allows a needle to be jabbed where they are having pain. My doctor told me I would have to help him find where it hurt the most. I would be less upset if I was guaranteed results but I am not. I'm apparently crazy/desperate enough to let them do it anyways. Frankly, I'm scared shitless, I can't sleep... I just... I can't... I just want to get this over and done with because being stuck here waiting is so intense. My pain is already bad enough but the added, I guess, emotional and mental pain is overwhelming. But of course, my health isn't the only thing I have to deal. There are many things in my personal life going on as well and it's not all rainbows and flowers.

I commented on a fellow spoonie post. The topic was that people think cancer is the "worse" chronic illness out there. But all spoonies know no illness is greater or lesser than another. A lot of "normal" or as I like to call it, healthy people tend to ask if my illnesses are life threatening and when I say they're not they try to be positive and say, "well that's good!" Sorry to disappoint you but it's not. To me they're equal. Obviously having your life at risk is huge but so is your life completely changing and never returning back to "normal." Not having your life at risk pretty much means living hell for the rest of your life. And honestly, if any of my illnesses were life threatening it would make saying yes to every procedure, surgery, medication etc so much easier I feel. Knowing my numbered days are coming quick I'd do anything to stay fighting and have a good day to simply enjoy everything. But this isn't fact because the only way we can know for sure is when we're in those shoes and thankfully I'm not.

Having a non-life threatening illness that you know causes pain for the rest of your life makes you question the things to "help" with pain. Part of me feels like what's the point. What's the point if I'm going to put my body through more trauma for a possibility of it helping me? What's the point if it does help but doesn't last that long? Is it worth trying whatever new thing that's out there? Or something that is questionable? What's the point of wasting so many people's time, energy and my parent's money on something temporary and not long term? I sometimes wonder if I should just stay at home. But that's not fair to my parents. They deserve for me to out of their house and paying for all of my medicines, doctors, etc..

You face a lot of questions being chronically ill. You just have to learn to let yourself feel the proper amount. Life isn't made to be sunshine and daisies everyday, we are made to struggle. But it doesn't mean we should just waddle in self pity forever. There is a time and place for everything. You fall, let your body/mind figure out what's going on and then you pick yourself back up doing whatever needs to be done and move on.

This is part one of a two part series. Click here to read Part 2

Staying Honest

It's been awhile since I've posted on here so to remind everyone (or to tell those new here) I remain honest on my blog. I don't tame what I say, I keep it real. I talk about how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. I don't do this to make you feel bad for me. I don't do this because I want attention. I do this for the other people who look at my blog thinking they're alone on their journey.

This is the longest time in awhile I haven't felt good in awhile. Normally I would go through a flare for a couple of weeks maybe a month. I am going on 5 months now. If you know me personally you know I am generally a real positive person. You can tell me we're all dying tomorrow and I would think well at least we have one more day. But these last couple of weeks have been tough. This week I was actually starting to feel good. It made me so excited and happy. But you know how life is.... I guess it truly started when I woke up at 5pm today. I slept almost 12 hours... didn't think much of it at the time. I was a little frustrated but not much.

I went to our churches fish fry and shortly after finishing eating I started to have an upset stomach I thought no biggie I just need to relax and it will go away. So my dad went to get the car and took us home. I rested and started to feel better.

Around midnight I got drank some water and shortly after had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I ended up throwing up alot. I was walking back to our living and I passed out. When my dad woke me up I felt super weak, my dad had to help me A LOT to get me up. I also felt very weird, I sill cant describe it exactly I just felt... weird...

My dad took me to bed and I laid there for awhile and everything slowly went away except the weirdness. I still feel it but  not as intense as earlier. What's also weird is I feel very out of it and exhausted but my body is and looks wide awake (even though I look like death) 

Emotionally, I'm drained...I'm numb...I'm frustrated... I'm stressed... I'm overwhelmed... I sometimes feel like scream, crying and throwing things on the ground. I'm tired.... Sometimes when I can't sleep because of the pain my mind wanders... it goes off and thinks how my life would be if I didn't have to deal with all of this... The education I would have received, the achievements in sports and music I would have accomplished, the friendships I would have made, and then to where I would be right this moment. 

I think about how 50 jumping jacks feels like running 1 1/2 miles.... how playing half of a song feels like I've played for 4 hours... or going to the store to grab a couple things feels like I've been doing errands all day...

I know the people who know me is thinking this isn't the Aly we know. And you maybe right, but we all go through "dark times" I feel this is my time. I know yall think I'm open and honest but truth is sometimes I hide things. I hide how much I hurt because I see how people act if I barely limp in pain or have to hold on to someone or seeing me in a wheelchair. I distract myself and focus on others to avoid revealing how emotionally torn down I am dealing with everything. I had the physical and emotional pain because I see the pain in those I care and love the most and yes in my more naive years I hid it so I won't loose them either. 

Strong people fall, happy people aren't always happy because we're human. If you've ever come to me when you're not feeling a positive mood you know I always say this; We're human we are meant to be imperfect. We're meant to feel both positive and negative feelings. We go through dark times so we can appreciate the good ones even better. That going through rough times make you stronger. so these last couple of weeks I have let myself feel these negative feelings to a degree. Because of all the weight of dealing with everything when I first fell I'll I got really depressed. I would have suicidal thoughts and stuff but never acted on it. So now if I ever get down I make sure I don't get to that point. 

The lesson life has been teaching me recently is to take care of myself. That what I consider being selfish isn't selfish it's my humanness and I need to take care of myself. SO this is me taking care of myself. This is me letting myself go through my emotions. This is me realizing I'm weak and that the only person I should be helping right now is myself. No this won't be an everyday pity party for me... I'm just catching my breath before I pick myself up, dust off, and move on

Lost

Note this is a real personal blog entry.

Tonight we got word that my uncle in the Philippines died. It's bittersweet, he has been suffering for years with illnesses and is now at rest and no longer in pain but it's sad I never got to meet him.. I really don't know where I came from. My uncle was the only immediate biological family on my mom's side we had. Now don't get me wrong I'm thankful for the families that "adopted" us, but I wonder where I came from, why I am the way I am. Besides my family I have met very little of my biological relatives. Some full relative and other half relatives.... but I cant help but feel an emptiness.... everyone talks about how it is with their relatives and how much they look alike but I have no idea... My mom said when I was little I was a spitting image of my Aunt. I've seen a few pictures from my cousins and when I was little saw some pictures they would send but after awhile the phone calls and letters stopped. This was most likely because they did not have the money to do so. My mom was from a poor part of the Philippines. And I know some people are thinking "be grateful for what you have" or "at least you know who your parents are" and while yes this is all true I deserve to be down in the dumps too.

But what I'm mostly afraid of is how my mom will get through this. My mom is very emotional, to points it affects her diabetes and blood pressure we almost have to take her to the hospital because of her hysterical crying and carrying on.... That's why I cringe whenever there is bad news to give my mom. Although we had no idea this was coming. It was crazy though, my mom told my dad earlier today she felt like something bad was going to happen and she was right.

It's really hard on my mom because like many third world countries out there they think those who live in America have so much money. Most of yall probably are in America that reads this and know money isn't that easy. With my family we have just barely enough to live paycheck to paycheck. But I know my mom is feeling the guilt of not being able to send more. She knows deep down inside that there was nothing she could do but still feels the guilt.

After my mom calmed down I went to bed and told my boyfriend and all the tears just came out.... And something I wasn't expecting to hear came from him, he told me to say the rosary and divine mercy chaplet. My boyfriend and I are both catholic and we have faith but have been lacking in the devoting part. We ask each other to pray for one another when we need it and we truly believe in our faith but I guess the only excuse we can have is life gets in the way of the whole going to mass and things of that matter. So I wasn't quiet expecting that to come out of his mouth. But maybe it's a sign... because of things that has happened within my church I've stopped going. But maybe its a sign, oh who am i kidding, God is showing me he wants me back. I want to so bad but the things that has happened at my church makes it so uncomfortable to be there...  But I know this is an adventure I should take up and I'm going to try with all my might to do so.

Well that's all I got for right now. And for all yall that has read all this thank you. Although I know some might come across this that I don't want to but oh well. All I can say is just because my family has issues that yours don't or I sin differently than you doesn't make you or me any better than each other so stop judging. Might sound harsh but that's the truth. And your words and actions may have hurt me before but I am going to do my best to not let you have the upper hand to where I avoid certain places because that's not who I am and how my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be strong, yeah you might have knocked me down for awhile but I will ALWAYS get right back up.

More CFW

So life has recently been so hectic that I never finished my week at camp. I'm going to be brief because of my horrible memory.

The rest of the week went great, Wednesday my group went to the nursing home where two of our site cordinators managed to get a resident to socialize with everyone else. This lady is quiet the kicker! She didn't come out before because she would try to make everyone laugh but they wouldn't and just made her feel not part of the group. I got to spend a lot of time with her she was so sweet! I also met a filipino lady my heart went out to her because she was so exhausted even listening was difficult for her. But she was in better spirit after lunch and when i told her bye in Tagalog she was in a better mood. I got to spend time with this one resident who has left a lasting impact on me. She litterally has no family or friends, they all have past. So she always passes out her bracelets she wins at bingo to girls so she knows she'll be remembered. She reminded me of my nana, her hair was exactly like hers.

Thursday we got to stay on home site and we painted walls. Good thing my headache was gone! It was pretty awesome though to see the bond of my group. We even had some fun with the paint.

Our messiness

Friday was baby beds we basically stacked them up and cleaned up. Then the ladies who distribute them to families in need came and we helped them load up.

As for the faith growing, Wednesday was reconsilation totally misspelled that... It's always very emotional and this year God used me to help a camper who is also a victim/survivor of being molested. It still chokes me up thinking about that.

Thursday is Circle of Love. We sit in a circle, pass around a mic and get to talk about how camp has touched us. I got a couple shout outs and I broke down crying plenty of times.

My blog doesn't do it justice... maybe next time i'll bring my laptop and just write each night.

I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted but there is plenty to write about so hopefully i'll find time to write more soon.

Love,
Aly

one step forward two step back...

So a couple things lately has struck the "touchy" chord for me... I mean its one thing that i'm on my period which means hormonal overload...
it's been managable untill this last string....

A girl from North Texas was kidnapped by her assualter and was murdered. I realize that's a very harsh nutshell but.... that took me a good 20 mins just to write....

This has caused a huge stir inside of me....i feel frozen right now...

you see i use to be afraid to sleep not only because of nightmares...  but fear that they were gonna come and get me...

what freaks me out even more is that this guy disguised himself.......

ok i thought writting about this would help but its not... alright bye.

Breaking News!!

I am VERY happy to announce that today I had my last therapy session with my rape counselor! What does that mean? (besides the obvious) I am able to cope with what has happened to me  to a point where my therapist and I feel therapy is no longer needed AT THIS TIME. Now I stress AT THIS TIME because later down the road something can trigger new problems. They don't call it a relapse, because its a new situation, new time. I recently have had time to reflect on my progress and I have to admit, I am SO proud of myself. I once feared of sleep. I would fight it, it wasn't that I didn't want to sleep it was that I knew I would start dreaming about my rapes and I didn't want to. So I would do almost anything to stay awake. And if or when I fell asleep after waking up from a nightmare I fought it even more. But now, I don't fear sleep and so much more. Quick update but just had to share the news!

oops! back to the weekend!

So I failed to mention a huge chunk in my story... You see, my faith is strong but my imperfections are great. I was excited for camp but as camp got closer i started doubting if i should be there. I didn't want to be one of those people who was do as i say not as I do. I was going to remain honest to campers no matter what. It felt really awkward at first because some people there were tremendously in faith and I honestly felt like I was experiencing something new when for the most part I wasn't. I felt like I was going to mass after not being there for a month, its an overwhelming feeling. It felt as if someone pushed me into the deep end of the pool when i just barely new how to swim. Yeah... scary... I quickly learn that my hardest issue would be my potty mouth. Yes, I curse... a lot! At work I can control it and I don't use it a lot online but when it's just me and people who i know won't give me crap about it I use it. But by Sunday morning my potty mouth was very much in control.

     Like I said on the weekend post, we have some of our own faith growing activities and it was different for me in that I didn't get the indescribable feeling like I always did. Which was weird because i was pouring my heart out. I did start to feel it but it wasn't the usual suddent overwhelmingness I would get. Which made me doubt even more why I should be here. I mean they would be find without me right? Besides, yeah I knew everyone on a-team but i wasn't that close to anyone it wouldn't be like they would miss me. In fact i was sure that if i left by wednesday they wouldn't even have thought about me.

     So saturday night i started texting my boyfriend, my best friend who also attended camp the same number of years as me, and my dad. Both my best friend and boyfriend were point blank saying i should be there. My boyfriend swore I deserved to be there expecially feeling the way I did, my dad also pointed that out. My best friend told me about her camp experience this year and offered prayers. At this point I'm balling my eyes out because I'm so lost and confused. Then one of the a-team girls saw me passing by trying to wipe my tears before she could see me but i was too late, i was caught. So we went into one of the bathrooms for privacy and just talked. She made me feel like I wasn't alone but at the end I was still confused. My dad was still texting me and was reassuring me that i was there for a reason but it was my choice to stay or not.  But I needed someone else to talk to still so I called my "camp sister" I explained how I was feeling and she explained she was going through similar things and that she was there for me. But then, I got a feeling I haven't felt in about a year... I was feelng suicidal. My mind started racing even more. I've been taking my meds so its not that, yeah this situation isnt the best but why am I feeling suicidal. I told my dad and because of is sense of helplessness because he wasn;t there he kind of blew up on me but my camp sister was there to help me sort through my feelings. At this point I was drained and just decided t try and sleep with no decision made.

   I woke up Sunday not having any negative thoughts in mind and just ready to pour myself into what i was doing.

Getting to the tough issue

So it's taken me sometime to talk more about my rapes. It's not that I don't want to share, well, kinda, it's more of I dont know what I should say and not say... kinda the girl who doesn;t know when to keep her mouth shut. so what I'm going to recommend, if something starts getting to you, STOP. This blog isn't going anywhere (i think) so you can pick up where you left off once you cooled down. This is my way of venting, spreading awareness, and giving others courage.

     I was recently talking to my parents and they told me how people from my church have comed up to them asking questions about my blog. Wow I ACTUALLY have an audience... No names we're mentions just certain occasions and conversations. So what I'm going to try and do is have a question section or see if there's away if not already, to post comments anonymously if wanted. I will try to answer all questions but it might not be ASAP.

     I currently am in therapy if i have not yet mentioned before. For those of you who are seeking help, The Women's Center in Fort Worth. They have free therapy for those who are victims/survivors of rape/domestic abuse they also have therapy for children. The counselors are specficly TRAINED to handle rapes. There is a waiting list but if your assault happened within a year they get you in ASAP. If you are a minor they will send the police to talk to you (its the law) but it is your choice to cooperate, you don't have to say a thing. And, if you ares still in a relationship with the person when they call it always just shows as unknow to keep you safe.

     During therapy my therapist gave me closer, while on my vacation my boyfriend and I had a moment when we were talking about my assaults. He gave me the courage to tell him who the guys were. Until that moment I have been unable to do so. It took awhile but it happened. I constantly talk to my therapist about my fear of having to tell people about my assaults because someone told the police and I have to go through that traumatic experience again. How I go back and forth of if I should or not. Yes I know some of you wonder what's so hard about it, you can save someone else. I KNOW. That is one of the reasons why I want to come out. To save that possible next girl.

     But think about it from my point of view. How would you feel telling people about your first sexual encounter? Over and over again, to complete strangers, and IF your case goes to court having to tell it in front of loved ones who want to support you. embarressment right? Now imagine saying you didn't want that and seeing the look of loved ones face now. Or the fact there's no physical evidence. I see this doing more harm to me than good. Call it selfish, but oh well. My focus is on my life right now. My focus is to continue not being afraid to go to sleep, to not wake up with screaming nightmares. My focus is to try and not be paranoid, to jump at the slightest touch. So does making me live and speak out about what happened to me in as vivid as possible details and possibly see my assaulter(s) again help that? I believe not. I've come to this point where if i have a flashback, which I will time to time my whole life I don't wake up screaming. I've come to knowing that my brain is trying to mess with me at times. I've come to realize my paranoia is unrealistic.

     Yes I'll admit the pros. The guy can get caught before it evolves to more. I can save at least one girl. It MAY help me heal more or give me closer. At the end of it all I probably would be extrememly proud of myself.

     But I'm not perfect and for what it's worth mentioning, my therapist agrees with what I'm doing. Trust me, therapist do NOT lie to you. For those possible victims/survivors I am not saying don't tell at all. So please don't take it that way. I hope to one day be strong enough to come forward. You might think you're the only one that person assaulted chances are, you're not. But say a guy assaulted 10 girls. (I use guys because those were my assaulters it could be either or) 1 girl might have came forward just waiting for one of those other 9 girls to come forward, that will raise the police's eyebrows. Say one more comes up, pretty sure the police would want to prosue this guy now. There are strength in numbers. If this is currently happening to you, go to the doctor or hospital at least. Physical evidence is best in any case. You are not obligated to cooperate with the police, you can even start and stop. But at least they have evidence. To those of you out there who have been through this and have the courage to come forward, I truly look up to you. For those of you who don't think you're strong enough, dig down deep, think of since your assault how far have you came, then ask yourself honestly if you can or can't.

    My therapist challenged me this week to look at how far i've came both in life and since my assaults. I am honestly blown away. I did not realize how truly strong I am. I was always taught modesty and humbleness. To not boast or be cocky. But my therapist pointed out the Christ wasn't afraid, he knew what he was destine to do. He didn't fear what he did and acknowledge his strengths. That I should do the same. I know there's a reason I went through all this. Most likely one of the reasons was to learn to not be afraid to give myself credit or say "hey, i did that." I realized how silly it was of me to lie in my bed at night fearing they were out for me or the police banging on my door. I realize I had a new "monster under the bed" i was afraid of. That I was being childish. The mind is very strong and it tricked me for a very long time but I am in the process of retraining it no you don't have to fear them coming after you, even if they did I will not let them win. Excuse my french, but they sure as hell better not come ANYWHERE near me because if they do, if I don't get them physically, they WILL get a police report. I don't have to worry about the police (more explanation on that later) the people in my life who know won't tell them so I don't have to worry about dealing with them. I am safe in my own bed and alone. I got a light-sleeping dad and alarm. Plus a dog who barks when people come in my room especially at night.

     Oh and one more thing, yes I am a proud Catholic but I have my flaws, in the true me a curse... a lot.. (guess thats what happens when you're a navyman's daughter even if you hardly heard him speak any fowl language) At this time in my life I am stopping the strive for i guess "perfection" and being me. So there will be fowl language time to time. It is how i express my frustration. This blog was made to be honest and cursing is the honest me.  

First time

So this is your warning.
Content is for mature audience only... blah blah they put yeah..
I'm only putting this because I know it can be traumatizing and I might have readers that are young, so this is your WARNING that sexual content is within the topic.
OK moving forward now, this is also my first time blogging/ publicly sharing so yeah bare with me.
     I am to the point in my therapy where I have control of my body. But I am still not full healed because honestly, I don't think one ever fully heals after being raped. You just learn how to continue on and not let every little thing get to you. I am to the point where I go months without triggers etc but then my mind will start thinking about it so i have the tossing and turn, flashback nightmares, etc we PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) have. But I'm proud of myself. It's not once a week, there's times between, I no longer wake up screaming in the middle of the night and so much more.
     I use to not be able to go to certain areas, certain smells set me off, every day "humor" about rapes got to me so bad, just about anything could start a trigger for me. I was use to hiding things because of always being constantly in pain. But sometimes it was noticeable i was leaving but unsure why. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Yall who know me know that i'm pretty good at composing myself, if I'm upset I don't show the whole world but I also can't help it at times. At the same time I'm emotional. But the normal kind of emotional. I see girls who get worked up about the stupidest things.... I can't stand that! Yet when I was dealing with this every little thing set me off but I just buried it deeper inside.
     I struggled with depression, times where i would just be in my room or bathroom and cry.... I would have a war inside my body,
                  "should i cut?.. no, no, no, no..... you're smarter than that.... well how about kill myself... no.. not that either doing that would just devastate everyone and make the haters feel like they won.... but i don't want to live anymore...i know, i know, but just remember, everything has a reason,.... yeah, but maybe if i do something the pain would stop just for a little bit... Alyssa, stop...."
     I was always able to coach my way through those situations and even my flashbacks but it was still difficult. I knew everyone could tell I was fighting a battle but I wonder if they really knew how bad. Quite frankly, I'm lucky to have never been in the crazy ward and I believe that's because of my faith.
     But getting back to why I started this post... It's something that's been bugging me and I try to work on. You see, what happened to me was done by one race, that's the only thing these three guys have in common, they're race, and ever since then I not only have my wall built higher for everyone especially guys, but for this race. Those who have assault me through out the years were white... some of you are thinking you know so many white people though. Yes I do, but most of them I've known since I was little and they're like brothers to me. So I have no fear around them, I know they wouldn't do that to me and I know if they found out who these guys were they would have to dig a hole to bury bodies in. But every guy who wasn't one I've known my whole life had a huge barrier. The other week I mention how this 19 yr old was looking for extra money and he ended up hitting on me cuz he thought i was pretty. It sucks because this caused a trigger. I hardly ever get hit on by white guys and the first thing to pop in my mind was that he just wanted to get some. I know it's an unfair stereotype but sometimes you cant help it... Just a couple nights ago they cleared up and it had me reflecting on how I've been and I feel bad because the barrier is so high for white guys in my life whether they're young or old it doesn't matter. I thought it use to be guys who were straight up gingers, the really red hair and pale skin but obviously it's not.
     I know a lot of you are going to think I don't need to say this but I just want to apologize to those of you who are white and those of you who are a guy, I know I shouldn;t judge you for someone else's actions but I can't help it