Am I Allowing God's Will?

Ok so I apologize now if this post is weird, I'm currently working on this on my phone so we'll see how this goes!

Now, I know you're either thinking based on the title this is how to reflect on if you're allowing God's will to be done or you think this is a very bizarre topic for me to talk about but both are wrong.

This is a reflection I just had moments ago which is why I'm taking the risk of writing this on my phone instead of waiting until later. I will say I did take pain meds about 2 hours ago so if I make no sense, thank the meds. Lol

So why am I wondering if I'm letting God's  will be done? (This might be borderline TMI for some of yall) Well, I have been medically on birth control for several female reproductive illnesses I battle, and thanks to a youth minister I was informed the church is ok with women being on birth control if it is for medical reasons and there aren't any other options or those options didn't work out.

Anyway, I get a shot every 3 months for my birth control rather than taking a pill everyday. Unfortunately, these last 2 months my medication has stopped working and my doctor has informed me she wants me not to have a period at all which means no estrogen for me. My birth control has to be progesterone only. So after learning the differences between the two I went to all my spoonie groups and asked for suggestions. Up until one point, it was either stay on my shot or try a thing they implant to the inside of your arm. Well, with that implant there is a wide variety of responses to it. So wide, I wasn't comfortable asking my doctor about it. Everything else I was suggested would most likely be shot down by my doctor because you either still get your period or it has estrogen in it. And the only other option to stop the pain and cycle is to get my tubes tied like many women have to do because of one of these illnesses. One girl was telling me this and I told her that I will not let a doctor do so no matter how much pain I would have to do because I wanted to have have children.

But that is when a lovely lady informed me how to find progesterone only pills. Which thrilled me! I could stay on those pills or go a more semi permanent route and get the implant the pill works out. Yay! Game plan!

Later on, as I'm laying in bed I started thinking about all my dreams in life but I was also thinking about God and how I truly want to be what I feel God wants me to be. And then it hit me, am I being selfish? Apart of pursuing the vocation of marriage, you and your spouse have to be open when it comes to children. You allow God the potential to havr children. For some people, having children doesn't happen and there are differences in feelings with that news.

Everyone who knows me knows I LOVE children, I'm dubbed an aunt to many of my friend's  kiddo, I help with advice when they don't know what to do and it is known that if I'm feeling well enough I'll be a mommy helper or babysitter, and expect very little in return. I have and will always want children. In fact, it is that very reason that I stopped pursuing religious life because I felt called to bare child.

But a lot has happened since then, including my female issues getting worse. Tonight I started questioning if that was a sign from God or if this struggle is something I'm supposed to go through. Am I being selfish? That my dream and want for a child is blinding me from doing what God truly wants me to do? Or am I on the right path in refusing a procedure that wouldn't allow me to have children?

Hard stuff. And frankly, I have no clue! I'm going back and forth in my head seeing signs of both sides. I haven't dig deeper into the church's teaching on vasectomy, I plan on doing so later on so maybe when I read that it'll help me see a clearer  picture. I truly hope so because  I owe it to God, if it wasnt for him, I would be 6 feet under in all seriousness. I may not be what other catholics feel how a Catholic should be and think, but I'm being me. And since having Pope Francis, it seems as if my approach on the world and others are acceptable. The areas I'm not is to be expected though, we're human, we have to mess up/sin somewhere. It's not an excuse but the truth. One I have struggled with while I was in high school but that's another blog post.

So what's the point of all this? Purposely, nothing. This is just me talking about my life, letting yall in and helping myself out. And who knows, maybe there is a purpose! Maybe one of yall have something that will help me figure things out! Or hearing my story will help you!

I'm not saying everyone needs to rethink their dreams and change them because you think you're being selfish. Most likely, if you are of faith and probably several who aren't of faith, your dreams involve the gifts God has given you, and if you are of faith, you have opened yourself to God, you have allowed him in when it comes to what path to take. But we are human and we do mess up. When you think about it, it can be difficult to figure things out. Something bad can be something you're supposed to deal with to reach your goal or it can be the devil trying to stir you away. Same can be said about good things that happen, great things can be happening but that's the devil pulling you in or it can be God saying, "yes! You are doing the right thing and I'm proud of you." That is where prayer and developing a relationship with God comes in handy. And not just the 5 second prayer to ask for a sign, but a true and genuine prayer allowing yourself to have a conversation with God.

I think it is wise to think about your goals and dreams sometimes and question asking if you're doing God's will. But letting it consume you isn't what God wants because that will stir you away from the present which we all should be living in.

Until next time,

Aly

Staying Honest

It's been awhile since I've posted on here so to remind everyone (or to tell those new here) I remain honest on my blog. I don't tame what I say, I keep it real. I talk about how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. I don't do this to make you feel bad for me. I don't do this because I want attention. I do this for the other people who look at my blog thinking they're alone on their journey.

This is the longest time in awhile I haven't felt good in awhile. Normally I would go through a flare for a couple of weeks maybe a month. I am going on 5 months now. If you know me personally you know I am generally a real positive person. You can tell me we're all dying tomorrow and I would think well at least we have one more day. But these last couple of weeks have been tough. This week I was actually starting to feel good. It made me so excited and happy. But you know how life is.... I guess it truly started when I woke up at 5pm today. I slept almost 12 hours... didn't think much of it at the time. I was a little frustrated but not much.

I went to our churches fish fry and shortly after finishing eating I started to have an upset stomach I thought no biggie I just need to relax and it will go away. So my dad went to get the car and took us home. I rested and started to feel better.

Around midnight I got drank some water and shortly after had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I ended up throwing up alot. I was walking back to our living and I passed out. When my dad woke me up I felt super weak, my dad had to help me A LOT to get me up. I also felt very weird, I sill cant describe it exactly I just felt... weird...

My dad took me to bed and I laid there for awhile and everything slowly went away except the weirdness. I still feel it but  not as intense as earlier. What's also weird is I feel very out of it and exhausted but my body is and looks wide awake (even though I look like death) 

Emotionally, I'm drained...I'm numb...I'm frustrated... I'm stressed... I'm overwhelmed... I sometimes feel like scream, crying and throwing things on the ground. I'm tired.... Sometimes when I can't sleep because of the pain my mind wanders... it goes off and thinks how my life would be if I didn't have to deal with all of this... The education I would have received, the achievements in sports and music I would have accomplished, the friendships I would have made, and then to where I would be right this moment. 

I think about how 50 jumping jacks feels like running 1 1/2 miles.... how playing half of a song feels like I've played for 4 hours... or going to the store to grab a couple things feels like I've been doing errands all day...

I know the people who know me is thinking this isn't the Aly we know. And you maybe right, but we all go through "dark times" I feel this is my time. I know yall think I'm open and honest but truth is sometimes I hide things. I hide how much I hurt because I see how people act if I barely limp in pain or have to hold on to someone or seeing me in a wheelchair. I distract myself and focus on others to avoid revealing how emotionally torn down I am dealing with everything. I had the physical and emotional pain because I see the pain in those I care and love the most and yes in my more naive years I hid it so I won't loose them either. 

Strong people fall, happy people aren't always happy because we're human. If you've ever come to me when you're not feeling a positive mood you know I always say this; We're human we are meant to be imperfect. We're meant to feel both positive and negative feelings. We go through dark times so we can appreciate the good ones even better. That going through rough times make you stronger. so these last couple of weeks I have let myself feel these negative feelings to a degree. Because of all the weight of dealing with everything when I first fell I'll I got really depressed. I would have suicidal thoughts and stuff but never acted on it. So now if I ever get down I make sure I don't get to that point. 

The lesson life has been teaching me recently is to take care of myself. That what I consider being selfish isn't selfish it's my humanness and I need to take care of myself. SO this is me taking care of myself. This is me letting myself go through my emotions. This is me realizing I'm weak and that the only person I should be helping right now is myself. No this won't be an everyday pity party for me... I'm just catching my breath before I pick myself up, dust off, and move on

More CFW

So life has recently been so hectic that I never finished my week at camp. I'm going to be brief because of my horrible memory.

The rest of the week went great, Wednesday my group went to the nursing home where two of our site cordinators managed to get a resident to socialize with everyone else. This lady is quiet the kicker! She didn't come out before because she would try to make everyone laugh but they wouldn't and just made her feel not part of the group. I got to spend a lot of time with her she was so sweet! I also met a filipino lady my heart went out to her because she was so exhausted even listening was difficult for her. But she was in better spirit after lunch and when i told her bye in Tagalog she was in a better mood. I got to spend time with this one resident who has left a lasting impact on me. She litterally has no family or friends, they all have past. So she always passes out her bracelets she wins at bingo to girls so she knows she'll be remembered. She reminded me of my nana, her hair was exactly like hers.

Thursday we got to stay on home site and we painted walls. Good thing my headache was gone! It was pretty awesome though to see the bond of my group. We even had some fun with the paint.

Our messiness

Friday was baby beds we basically stacked them up and cleaned up. Then the ladies who distribute them to families in need came and we helped them load up.

As for the faith growing, Wednesday was reconsilation totally misspelled that... It's always very emotional and this year God used me to help a camper who is also a victim/survivor of being molested. It still chokes me up thinking about that.

Thursday is Circle of Love. We sit in a circle, pass around a mic and get to talk about how camp has touched us. I got a couple shout outs and I broke down crying plenty of times.

My blog doesn't do it justice... maybe next time i'll bring my laptop and just write each night.

I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted but there is plenty to write about so hopefully i'll find time to write more soon.

Love,
Aly

Day 2- Feeling wanted

    So I ended my last post camp fort worth post with me not feeling well and sleeping until the next day. Well when I woke up all the girls in my room started asking me how i felt i thought this was sweet but didn't think much of it because they were in my room. I made my way downstairs where everyone was gathering for breakfast and got asked numerous times how I was feeling. This made me feel good inside. You see, in my day to day life everyone is so use to me not feeling good that its whatever. Not many people check on me when they see I'm not feeling good or made a trip to the hospital. Or if they do its to my parents so i really don't feel noticed.
   This started to make me realize that I am noticed and that God did have me there for a reason.

     We had breakfast and went to mass and let me tell you wow was it amazing! Everyone was moved, our campers were more into mass, the people who went to daily mass were in awe how close we were and the beauty of us prasing our Lord. Mass ended and my group and I set out for Mission Arlington. Mission Arlington is a Christian based Salvation Army pretty much. Clients go through a process and before they get what they need they are prayed over. After, they have 15 mins in this store like place to grabw whatever clothing they need. All clothing is already hung on hangers and organized by gender and somewhat on size. Then, they have a few mins in another room to recieve whatever odd things they need like plates, decorations, bed stuff, etc. After, they go to where the food is and recieve food. First half of the day i worked in the store. We would remove empty hangers, add more clothes, and help the customers. The second half I spent in this huge room filled with boxes after boxes of clothes. We woould just simply go through boxes and put them on hangers. Being that it was summer if we ran into any winter clothes we would put them in a trash bag to be held in storage till it got cooler.

    As usual we headed to showers then went back to the church and hung out. Our night activity was the living rosary. Basically instead of using a rosary we made a rosary out of candles. A candle for each bead. But before that the campers get to have some quiet time with God and journal.

Getting to the tough issue

So it's taken me sometime to talk more about my rapes. It's not that I don't want to share, well, kinda, it's more of I dont know what I should say and not say... kinda the girl who doesn;t know when to keep her mouth shut. so what I'm going to recommend, if something starts getting to you, STOP. This blog isn't going anywhere (i think) so you can pick up where you left off once you cooled down. This is my way of venting, spreading awareness, and giving others courage.

     I was recently talking to my parents and they told me how people from my church have comed up to them asking questions about my blog. Wow I ACTUALLY have an audience... No names we're mentions just certain occasions and conversations. So what I'm going to try and do is have a question section or see if there's away if not already, to post comments anonymously if wanted. I will try to answer all questions but it might not be ASAP.

     I currently am in therapy if i have not yet mentioned before. For those of you who are seeking help, The Women's Center in Fort Worth. They have free therapy for those who are victims/survivors of rape/domestic abuse they also have therapy for children. The counselors are specficly TRAINED to handle rapes. There is a waiting list but if your assault happened within a year they get you in ASAP. If you are a minor they will send the police to talk to you (its the law) but it is your choice to cooperate, you don't have to say a thing. And, if you ares still in a relationship with the person when they call it always just shows as unknow to keep you safe.

     During therapy my therapist gave me closer, while on my vacation my boyfriend and I had a moment when we were talking about my assaults. He gave me the courage to tell him who the guys were. Until that moment I have been unable to do so. It took awhile but it happened. I constantly talk to my therapist about my fear of having to tell people about my assaults because someone told the police and I have to go through that traumatic experience again. How I go back and forth of if I should or not. Yes I know some of you wonder what's so hard about it, you can save someone else. I KNOW. That is one of the reasons why I want to come out. To save that possible next girl.

     But think about it from my point of view. How would you feel telling people about your first sexual encounter? Over and over again, to complete strangers, and IF your case goes to court having to tell it in front of loved ones who want to support you. embarressment right? Now imagine saying you didn't want that and seeing the look of loved ones face now. Or the fact there's no physical evidence. I see this doing more harm to me than good. Call it selfish, but oh well. My focus is on my life right now. My focus is to continue not being afraid to go to sleep, to not wake up with screaming nightmares. My focus is to try and not be paranoid, to jump at the slightest touch. So does making me live and speak out about what happened to me in as vivid as possible details and possibly see my assaulter(s) again help that? I believe not. I've come to this point where if i have a flashback, which I will time to time my whole life I don't wake up screaming. I've come to knowing that my brain is trying to mess with me at times. I've come to realize my paranoia is unrealistic.

     Yes I'll admit the pros. The guy can get caught before it evolves to more. I can save at least one girl. It MAY help me heal more or give me closer. At the end of it all I probably would be extrememly proud of myself.

     But I'm not perfect and for what it's worth mentioning, my therapist agrees with what I'm doing. Trust me, therapist do NOT lie to you. For those possible victims/survivors I am not saying don't tell at all. So please don't take it that way. I hope to one day be strong enough to come forward. You might think you're the only one that person assaulted chances are, you're not. But say a guy assaulted 10 girls. (I use guys because those were my assaulters it could be either or) 1 girl might have came forward just waiting for one of those other 9 girls to come forward, that will raise the police's eyebrows. Say one more comes up, pretty sure the police would want to prosue this guy now. There are strength in numbers. If this is currently happening to you, go to the doctor or hospital at least. Physical evidence is best in any case. You are not obligated to cooperate with the police, you can even start and stop. But at least they have evidence. To those of you out there who have been through this and have the courage to come forward, I truly look up to you. For those of you who don't think you're strong enough, dig down deep, think of since your assault how far have you came, then ask yourself honestly if you can or can't.

    My therapist challenged me this week to look at how far i've came both in life and since my assaults. I am honestly blown away. I did not realize how truly strong I am. I was always taught modesty and humbleness. To not boast or be cocky. But my therapist pointed out the Christ wasn't afraid, he knew what he was destine to do. He didn't fear what he did and acknowledge his strengths. That I should do the same. I know there's a reason I went through all this. Most likely one of the reasons was to learn to not be afraid to give myself credit or say "hey, i did that." I realized how silly it was of me to lie in my bed at night fearing they were out for me or the police banging on my door. I realize I had a new "monster under the bed" i was afraid of. That I was being childish. The mind is very strong and it tricked me for a very long time but I am in the process of retraining it no you don't have to fear them coming after you, even if they did I will not let them win. Excuse my french, but they sure as hell better not come ANYWHERE near me because if they do, if I don't get them physically, they WILL get a police report. I don't have to worry about the police (more explanation on that later) the people in my life who know won't tell them so I don't have to worry about dealing with them. I am safe in my own bed and alone. I got a light-sleeping dad and alarm. Plus a dog who barks when people come in my room especially at night.

     Oh and one more thing, yes I am a proud Catholic but I have my flaws, in the true me a curse... a lot.. (guess thats what happens when you're a navyman's daughter even if you hardly heard him speak any fowl language) At this time in my life I am stopping the strive for i guess "perfection" and being me. So there will be fowl language time to time. It is how i express my frustration. This blog was made to be honest and cursing is the honest me.  

let's talk about love...

Ok so I haven't slept at all so if I make no sense what so ever, you know why.
I want to talk about love. All our life we're told what love is or how to love. But how can you do so? There's the five love languages, which are different ways how you show someone you love them and how you desire to be loved. For those of you who are not familiar with this I'll briefly explain them. The first language is Words of Affirmation- i love you, you look beautiful, what would i do without you, etc. The second love language is Quality time- putting down the remote (or laptop) to listen to someone. The third is receiving gifts, as in THOUGHTFUL gifts, such as, oh i saw this at the store the other day and I totally had to get it for you. The fourth is act of service- no, let me do the laundry this time, hey I'll watch the kids tonight you guys go on a date. The last one is physical touch, and not just the behind the closed doors stuff, its holding hands, a pat on the back, or even a high five.
The five love languages are not just lover to lover but on any type of relationships. You can show or want more than one kind but most the time one or two dominates.
     So proving there's different ways to love brings me to my next thought. I myself have truly been in love 3 times. I personally believe there are different kind of love, now bare with me here people.
     My first love was i guess what you could call puppy dog love, ya know, you love everything the other person did, there was no pushing of buttons, you both liked the exact same thing and if not they introduced you to it and you fell in love with it. There was not a thing in the world this person could do wrong and you thought they were perfect if not, near it. You most likely never ever fought with this person and hardly had any negative feelings.
   My second love is my high school sweetheart. Guess we can call it blinded by love? This love when it happened was like woah, ok this is love, like REAL love that people get married over. You would do anything and everything to make that person happy even if in the very end it was getting rid of you. This love can be complicated, there's a lot of back and forth. You go through stages where when you are in the separation stage you fight for yalls love. Ya know the take me back please, i can't live without you etc. But then there's also a short most of the time, acceptance stage where you just care about them being happy even if it's not with you. I call this blinded by love because it is not till after the whole relationship is over do you see the persons flaws and wonder how the hell you stayed with that person for sooooo long and was able to put up with them. It is also a blind love because you have a "reputation" or mold to fill and constantly feel forced, aware or not, to act, be, or even in some people's cases, look a certain way. Don't get me wrong, this love can be amazing and a lot of work but in the end has you scratching your head sometimes.
  My third and current love is by far the best. I'm not just saying this  because I am currently with the person and doubt he reads this blog.... probably doesn't even know I have this blog.... anywho... I don't want to call this true love or the one because it'll be considered cheesy, so let's call it the accepting love. This form of love is when you can tell this person anything with no hesitation. Blunt honesty, no stutter, no trying to say it but you get tongue tied or just can't spit it out, you're always just able to tell them. Its something I've never had in any relationship before except with one other person who is my i guess girl version of my boyfriend. It's amazing because they know ALL of your dirt, how you think, how you're annoying, and yet don't judge you which means they never think less of you. These relationships you are able to tell things you've NEVER or have had a hard time telling other people about. Example, my boyfriend knows things about what I've been through that no one else knows. Yes. That kind of love.
     Which brings me to the point of this post. All our lives we wait for what we were taught or view love when most likely it's not going to happen that way. I mean my generation grew up with this poor poor girl gets saved by a knight in shinning armor, because a princess, and lives happily ever after. umm.... reality check??? Or society now is saying love is sex and lots of it. Now don't get me wrong with this next part, i LOVE my religion and faith I truly do, but we're taught that if we devote ourselves to our faith we'll find our significant other... ya know, the whole "A woman should be so in love with God that a man must seek him in order to find him" now I'm not saying that doesn't have truth in it. I believe God makes what should happen happen regardless but, I disagree with the whole we must be so devoted to serve him to find the one.
     Keeping on the religious note, God even has different ways of loving. There's the ever loving and forgiving  and tough love side. Just like our parents. Even that brings up another love which I'll just categorize as family.
     We're taught about love all our life. When all I think is to it is this.
You'll know love when you have it.
No how to, no what to expect, no building of expectations, just plain and simple. Because we all love in a different way, show love differently, and at least in my case feel love differently with different people/relationships.

So it's been awhile since I've post. Not much has happened. Went on a two week vacation with my boyfriend and his family, brother got back from afghanistan, and dealing with my physical health lately.

   Question for my audience out there, do you ever wish, hope pray, etc for something so bad that once it finally happens you're totally over it? Yes? No?

   Well that is me. Let's call the guy Peter. Ever since Peter and I broke up (it was a really bad break up) all I wanted was his friendship. That was it. Yes i still had feelings for him but I just really wanted his friendship. You see Peter was my first love, the guy I lost my virginity to, (sorry family reading this but I said I was gonna be honest) he was my high school sweetheart that I SWORE I was going to marry. Yes, I was that nievve girl thinking that my first true love was going to last no matter what, eve almost 2,000 miles and freshman year of his college years. Anyways, we broke up, it was messy. Then afterwards I would beg and plea for his friendship only to make things even worst. Recently we've been talking over facebook and we're actually being civil, be shock I know. But now that things are going smooth I don't know if I still want his friendship. I mean I'm still giving him a chance at friendship though. It's just, I was blind, I thought for the longest time that this is the best out there and I'll never find anything like this or better. Boy was I wrong! When he started talking to me again it made me realize things about him that I never noticed. Yes everyone has their flaws but these were things that REALLY bugged me. It made me wonder about how our relationship when we were together. I'm not saying we didn't have a good relationship, we did, it has plenty of memories and uniqueness but there were areas that was "blinded by love" which i'm not saying is good or bad. I honestly dont know if it is one or the other. But it was definitely a learning experience.

   Currently I am battling pain on my lower right side, they think it might be adhesions. sorry for a short post but I felt guilty for not posting anything in awhile even though I probably made no sense because of the hydrocodon.