Sunday, May 27, 2012

First time

So this is your warning.
Content is for mature audience only... blah blah they put yeah..
I'm only putting this because I know it can be traumatizing and I might have readers that are young, so this is your WARNING that sexual content is within the topic.
OK moving forward now, this is also my first time blogging/ publicly sharing so yeah bare with me.
     I am to the point in my therapy where I have control of my body. But I am still not full healed because honestly, I don't think one ever fully heals after being raped. You just learn how to continue on and not let every little thing get to you. I am to the point where I go months without triggers etc but then my mind will start thinking about it so i have the tossing and turn, flashback nightmares, etc we PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) have. But I'm proud of myself. It's not once a week, there's times between, I no longer wake up screaming in the middle of the night and so much more.
     I use to not be able to go to certain areas, certain smells set me off, every day "humor" about rapes got to me so bad, just about anything could start a trigger for me. I was use to hiding things because of always being constantly in pain. But sometimes it was noticeable i was leaving but unsure why. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Yall who know me know that i'm pretty good at composing myself, if I'm upset I don't show the whole world but I also can't help it at times. At the same time I'm emotional. But the normal kind of emotional. I see girls who get worked up about the stupidest things.... I can't stand that! Yet when I was dealing with this every little thing set me off but I just buried it deeper inside.
     I struggled with depression, times where i would just be in my room or bathroom and cry.... I would have a war inside my body,
                  "should i cut?.. no, no, no, no..... you're smarter than that.... well how about kill myself... no.. not that either doing that would just devastate everyone and make the haters feel like they won.... but i don't want to live anymore...i know, i know, but just remember, everything has a reason,.... yeah, but maybe if i do something the pain would stop just for a little bit... Alyssa, stop...."
     I was always able to coach my way through those situations and even my flashbacks but it was still difficult. I knew everyone could tell I was fighting a battle but I wonder if they really knew how bad. Quite frankly, I'm lucky to have never been in the crazy ward and I believe that's because of my faith.
     But getting back to why I started this post... It's something that's been bugging me and I try to work on. You see, what happened to me was done by one race, that's the only thing these three guys have in common, they're race, and ever since then I not only have my wall built higher for everyone especially guys, but for this race. Those who have assault me through out the years were white... some of you are thinking you know so many white people though. Yes I do, but most of them I've known since I was little and they're like brothers to me. So I have no fear around them, I know they wouldn't do that to me and I know if they found out who these guys were they would have to dig a hole to bury bodies in. But every guy who wasn't one I've known my whole life had a huge barrier. The other week I mention how this 19 yr old was looking for extra money and he ended up hitting on me cuz he thought i was pretty. It sucks because this caused a trigger. I hardly ever get hit on by white guys and the first thing to pop in my mind was that he just wanted to get some. I know it's an unfair stereotype but sometimes you cant help it... Just a couple nights ago they cleared up and it had me reflecting on how I've been and I feel bad because the barrier is so high for white guys in my life whether they're young or old it doesn't matter. I thought it use to be guys who were straight up gingers, the really red hair and pale skin but obviously it's not.
     I know a lot of you are going to think I don't need to say this but I just want to apologize to those of you who are white and those of you who are a guy, I know I shouldn;t judge you for someone else's actions but I can't help it

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