Staying Honest

It's been awhile since I've posted on here so to remind everyone (or to tell those new here) I remain honest on my blog. I don't tame what I say, I keep it real. I talk about how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. I don't do this to make you feel bad for me. I don't do this because I want attention. I do this for the other people who look at my blog thinking they're alone on their journey.

This is the longest time in awhile I haven't felt good in awhile. Normally I would go through a flare for a couple of weeks maybe a month. I am going on 5 months now. If you know me personally you know I am generally a real positive person. You can tell me we're all dying tomorrow and I would think well at least we have one more day. But these last couple of weeks have been tough. This week I was actually starting to feel good. It made me so excited and happy. But you know how life is.... I guess it truly started when I woke up at 5pm today. I slept almost 12 hours... didn't think much of it at the time. I was a little frustrated but not much.

I went to our churches fish fry and shortly after finishing eating I started to have an upset stomach I thought no biggie I just need to relax and it will go away. So my dad went to get the car and took us home. I rested and started to feel better.

Around midnight I got drank some water and shortly after had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I ended up throwing up alot. I was walking back to our living and I passed out. When my dad woke me up I felt super weak, my dad had to help me A LOT to get me up. I also felt very weird, I sill cant describe it exactly I just felt... weird...

My dad took me to bed and I laid there for awhile and everything slowly went away except the weirdness. I still feel it but  not as intense as earlier. What's also weird is I feel very out of it and exhausted but my body is and looks wide awake (even though I look like death) 

Emotionally, I'm drained...I'm numb...I'm frustrated... I'm stressed... I'm overwhelmed... I sometimes feel like scream, crying and throwing things on the ground. I'm tired.... Sometimes when I can't sleep because of the pain my mind wanders... it goes off and thinks how my life would be if I didn't have to deal with all of this... The education I would have received, the achievements in sports and music I would have accomplished, the friendships I would have made, and then to where I would be right this moment. 

I think about how 50 jumping jacks feels like running 1 1/2 miles.... how playing half of a song feels like I've played for 4 hours... or going to the store to grab a couple things feels like I've been doing errands all day...

I know the people who know me is thinking this isn't the Aly we know. And you maybe right, but we all go through "dark times" I feel this is my time. I know yall think I'm open and honest but truth is sometimes I hide things. I hide how much I hurt because I see how people act if I barely limp in pain or have to hold on to someone or seeing me in a wheelchair. I distract myself and focus on others to avoid revealing how emotionally torn down I am dealing with everything. I had the physical and emotional pain because I see the pain in those I care and love the most and yes in my more naive years I hid it so I won't loose them either. 

Strong people fall, happy people aren't always happy because we're human. If you've ever come to me when you're not feeling a positive mood you know I always say this; We're human we are meant to be imperfect. We're meant to feel both positive and negative feelings. We go through dark times so we can appreciate the good ones even better. That going through rough times make you stronger. so these last couple of weeks I have let myself feel these negative feelings to a degree. Because of all the weight of dealing with everything when I first fell I'll I got really depressed. I would have suicidal thoughts and stuff but never acted on it. So now if I ever get down I make sure I don't get to that point. 

The lesson life has been teaching me recently is to take care of myself. That what I consider being selfish isn't selfish it's my humanness and I need to take care of myself. SO this is me taking care of myself. This is me letting myself go through my emotions. This is me realizing I'm weak and that the only person I should be helping right now is myself. No this won't be an everyday pity party for me... I'm just catching my breath before I pick myself up, dust off, and move on

Beauty in Pain and Suffering.

Now I have to admit, things have definately haven't gone the way I imagined lately.... And for the first time in a long, long time, I've asked myself why... I've gotten down and really depressed, still kinda am but not as bad...

But when  I was questioning why dont I just die or why cant i live life something kept playing in the back of my head, how Saints I've looked up to suffered and took the suffering. Now, I probably went around this the wrong way at first.. maybe still am... I would just not take any meds and not tell anyone (sorry mom and dad) They suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually. They did it for the glory of God. But I cant help but wonder how did they know? Some of them had encounters with God we know about but what about the others? How did they know? I'll admit I haven't been the best Catholic lately, but I do have the faith, I trust that God is doing this for a reason but I just don't know why..

And then there's today... Good Friday... when Christ went through so much torcher, pain and suffereing for the sake of us to have eternal life with him. Now, I am in no way comparing myself to Christ or Saints I'm far from that but it gives me strength in some weird way.

I've accepted that the life God has for me currently is a lot of pain, lost friendships, loneliness, a whole bunch of frustration, tears, and yearning for normalcy. I've accepted that there will be things I cant have and things I can but still have to bust my butt to get. I've accepted that jobs, school, and anything that I will have to be considered "relliable" for will come and go because its my health isn't reliable. I've accepted that the life I have hardly anyone can relate to or come close to even understanding.

I know I've come a long way from 7 years ago but the cycle gets very old... and now that i'm more aquanted with the real world... it sucks even more to try and wade it out or watch how much medication I take because of cost... Or to not complain and fight through so I can make money and go to work instead of going to doctors or hospitals and putting my family's money down the drain.

But that's probably the toughest part. When to fight and push and when to get help. I know anyone in life has issues with that in life such as when their coming down with a cold... It's just hard to keep hope... with hospitals they just get me comfortable run test, find nothing, release me and tell me to talk to my doctors... with my doctors its ok lets talk to all doctors check things out, nothing is ever found.

Now that I have this adhesions problem its a debate to open me or not... you see adhesions can't be seen unless you open the person up. It's a film your body produces and surgery can make it more likely, people can go their whole life with adhesions and not have a single problem, others arent as lucky. The two times they removed adhesions I got lucky because it was a ticking time bomb until i lost whatever part the adhesions was slowly wrapping around. They're occuring more often... and so far, there's no way to prevent them... so its open, remove as much as we can, close me up and hope i'll last for awhile...

I wouldn't wish this life on anyone... be it the physical pain or seeing it affect your loved one. The pain I see in my parents seeing me like this, is the worst pain imaginable... The look on my team of doctors and nurses face.... is just as bad... to see them clueless whats going on and how to help... I've been wondering what's worst, being told you're going to die or being told they don't know whats wrong.

i've also been wondering that what if there's one single underlying cause of this all... something so rare that people who are helping me now dont know about it...

More CFW

So life has recently been so hectic that I never finished my week at camp. I'm going to be brief because of my horrible memory.

The rest of the week went great, Wednesday my group went to the nursing home where two of our site cordinators managed to get a resident to socialize with everyone else. This lady is quiet the kicker! She didn't come out before because she would try to make everyone laugh but they wouldn't and just made her feel not part of the group. I got to spend a lot of time with her she was so sweet! I also met a filipino lady my heart went out to her because she was so exhausted even listening was difficult for her. But she was in better spirit after lunch and when i told her bye in Tagalog she was in a better mood. I got to spend time with this one resident who has left a lasting impact on me. She litterally has no family or friends, they all have past. So she always passes out her bracelets she wins at bingo to girls so she knows she'll be remembered. She reminded me of my nana, her hair was exactly like hers.

Thursday we got to stay on home site and we painted walls. Good thing my headache was gone! It was pretty awesome though to see the bond of my group. We even had some fun with the paint.

Our messiness

Friday was baby beds we basically stacked them up and cleaned up. Then the ladies who distribute them to families in need came and we helped them load up.

As for the faith growing, Wednesday was reconsilation totally misspelled that... It's always very emotional and this year God used me to help a camper who is also a victim/survivor of being molested. It still chokes me up thinking about that.

Thursday is Circle of Love. We sit in a circle, pass around a mic and get to talk about how camp has touched us. I got a couple shout outs and I broke down crying plenty of times.

My blog doesn't do it justice... maybe next time i'll bring my laptop and just write each night.

I haven't been as active on here as I've wanted but there is plenty to write about so hopefully i'll find time to write more soon.

Love,
Aly

oops! back to the weekend!

So I failed to mention a huge chunk in my story... You see, my faith is strong but my imperfections are great. I was excited for camp but as camp got closer i started doubting if i should be there. I didn't want to be one of those people who was do as i say not as I do. I was going to remain honest to campers no matter what. It felt really awkward at first because some people there were tremendously in faith and I honestly felt like I was experiencing something new when for the most part I wasn't. I felt like I was going to mass after not being there for a month, its an overwhelming feeling. It felt as if someone pushed me into the deep end of the pool when i just barely new how to swim. Yeah... scary... I quickly learn that my hardest issue would be my potty mouth. Yes, I curse... a lot! At work I can control it and I don't use it a lot online but when it's just me and people who i know won't give me crap about it I use it. But by Sunday morning my potty mouth was very much in control.

     Like I said on the weekend post, we have some of our own faith growing activities and it was different for me in that I didn't get the indescribable feeling like I always did. Which was weird because i was pouring my heart out. I did start to feel it but it wasn't the usual suddent overwhelmingness I would get. Which made me doubt even more why I should be here. I mean they would be find without me right? Besides, yeah I knew everyone on a-team but i wasn't that close to anyone it wouldn't be like they would miss me. In fact i was sure that if i left by wednesday they wouldn't even have thought about me.

     So saturday night i started texting my boyfriend, my best friend who also attended camp the same number of years as me, and my dad. Both my best friend and boyfriend were point blank saying i should be there. My boyfriend swore I deserved to be there expecially feeling the way I did, my dad also pointed that out. My best friend told me about her camp experience this year and offered prayers. At this point I'm balling my eyes out because I'm so lost and confused. Then one of the a-team girls saw me passing by trying to wipe my tears before she could see me but i was too late, i was caught. So we went into one of the bathrooms for privacy and just talked. She made me feel like I wasn't alone but at the end I was still confused. My dad was still texting me and was reassuring me that i was there for a reason but it was my choice to stay or not.  But I needed someone else to talk to still so I called my "camp sister" I explained how I was feeling and she explained she was going through similar things and that she was there for me. But then, I got a feeling I haven't felt in about a year... I was feelng suicidal. My mind started racing even more. I've been taking my meds so its not that, yeah this situation isnt the best but why am I feeling suicidal. I told my dad and because of is sense of helplessness because he wasn;t there he kind of blew up on me but my camp sister was there to help me sort through my feelings. At this point I was drained and just decided t try and sleep with no decision made.

   I woke up Sunday not having any negative thoughts in mind and just ready to pour myself into what i was doing.

Getting to the tough issue

So it's taken me sometime to talk more about my rapes. It's not that I don't want to share, well, kinda, it's more of I dont know what I should say and not say... kinda the girl who doesn;t know when to keep her mouth shut. so what I'm going to recommend, if something starts getting to you, STOP. This blog isn't going anywhere (i think) so you can pick up where you left off once you cooled down. This is my way of venting, spreading awareness, and giving others courage.

     I was recently talking to my parents and they told me how people from my church have comed up to them asking questions about my blog. Wow I ACTUALLY have an audience... No names we're mentions just certain occasions and conversations. So what I'm going to try and do is have a question section or see if there's away if not already, to post comments anonymously if wanted. I will try to answer all questions but it might not be ASAP.

     I currently am in therapy if i have not yet mentioned before. For those of you who are seeking help, The Women's Center in Fort Worth. They have free therapy for those who are victims/survivors of rape/domestic abuse they also have therapy for children. The counselors are specficly TRAINED to handle rapes. There is a waiting list but if your assault happened within a year they get you in ASAP. If you are a minor they will send the police to talk to you (its the law) but it is your choice to cooperate, you don't have to say a thing. And, if you ares still in a relationship with the person when they call it always just shows as unknow to keep you safe.

     During therapy my therapist gave me closer, while on my vacation my boyfriend and I had a moment when we were talking about my assaults. He gave me the courage to tell him who the guys were. Until that moment I have been unable to do so. It took awhile but it happened. I constantly talk to my therapist about my fear of having to tell people about my assaults because someone told the police and I have to go through that traumatic experience again. How I go back and forth of if I should or not. Yes I know some of you wonder what's so hard about it, you can save someone else. I KNOW. That is one of the reasons why I want to come out. To save that possible next girl.

     But think about it from my point of view. How would you feel telling people about your first sexual encounter? Over and over again, to complete strangers, and IF your case goes to court having to tell it in front of loved ones who want to support you. embarressment right? Now imagine saying you didn't want that and seeing the look of loved ones face now. Or the fact there's no physical evidence. I see this doing more harm to me than good. Call it selfish, but oh well. My focus is on my life right now. My focus is to continue not being afraid to go to sleep, to not wake up with screaming nightmares. My focus is to try and not be paranoid, to jump at the slightest touch. So does making me live and speak out about what happened to me in as vivid as possible details and possibly see my assaulter(s) again help that? I believe not. I've come to this point where if i have a flashback, which I will time to time my whole life I don't wake up screaming. I've come to knowing that my brain is trying to mess with me at times. I've come to realize my paranoia is unrealistic.

     Yes I'll admit the pros. The guy can get caught before it evolves to more. I can save at least one girl. It MAY help me heal more or give me closer. At the end of it all I probably would be extrememly proud of myself.

     But I'm not perfect and for what it's worth mentioning, my therapist agrees with what I'm doing. Trust me, therapist do NOT lie to you. For those possible victims/survivors I am not saying don't tell at all. So please don't take it that way. I hope to one day be strong enough to come forward. You might think you're the only one that person assaulted chances are, you're not. But say a guy assaulted 10 girls. (I use guys because those were my assaulters it could be either or) 1 girl might have came forward just waiting for one of those other 9 girls to come forward, that will raise the police's eyebrows. Say one more comes up, pretty sure the police would want to prosue this guy now. There are strength in numbers. If this is currently happening to you, go to the doctor or hospital at least. Physical evidence is best in any case. You are not obligated to cooperate with the police, you can even start and stop. But at least they have evidence. To those of you out there who have been through this and have the courage to come forward, I truly look up to you. For those of you who don't think you're strong enough, dig down deep, think of since your assault how far have you came, then ask yourself honestly if you can or can't.

    My therapist challenged me this week to look at how far i've came both in life and since my assaults. I am honestly blown away. I did not realize how truly strong I am. I was always taught modesty and humbleness. To not boast or be cocky. But my therapist pointed out the Christ wasn't afraid, he knew what he was destine to do. He didn't fear what he did and acknowledge his strengths. That I should do the same. I know there's a reason I went through all this. Most likely one of the reasons was to learn to not be afraid to give myself credit or say "hey, i did that." I realized how silly it was of me to lie in my bed at night fearing they were out for me or the police banging on my door. I realize I had a new "monster under the bed" i was afraid of. That I was being childish. The mind is very strong and it tricked me for a very long time but I am in the process of retraining it no you don't have to fear them coming after you, even if they did I will not let them win. Excuse my french, but they sure as hell better not come ANYWHERE near me because if they do, if I don't get them physically, they WILL get a police report. I don't have to worry about the police (more explanation on that later) the people in my life who know won't tell them so I don't have to worry about dealing with them. I am safe in my own bed and alone. I got a light-sleeping dad and alarm. Plus a dog who barks when people come in my room especially at night.

     Oh and one more thing, yes I am a proud Catholic but I have my flaws, in the true me a curse... a lot.. (guess thats what happens when you're a navyman's daughter even if you hardly heard him speak any fowl language) At this time in my life I am stopping the strive for i guess "perfection" and being me. So there will be fowl language time to time. It is how i express my frustration. This blog was made to be honest and cursing is the honest me.  

So it's been awhile since I've post. Not much has happened. Went on a two week vacation with my boyfriend and his family, brother got back from afghanistan, and dealing with my physical health lately.

   Question for my audience out there, do you ever wish, hope pray, etc for something so bad that once it finally happens you're totally over it? Yes? No?

   Well that is me. Let's call the guy Peter. Ever since Peter and I broke up (it was a really bad break up) all I wanted was his friendship. That was it. Yes i still had feelings for him but I just really wanted his friendship. You see Peter was my first love, the guy I lost my virginity to, (sorry family reading this but I said I was gonna be honest) he was my high school sweetheart that I SWORE I was going to marry. Yes, I was that nievve girl thinking that my first true love was going to last no matter what, eve almost 2,000 miles and freshman year of his college years. Anyways, we broke up, it was messy. Then afterwards I would beg and plea for his friendship only to make things even worst. Recently we've been talking over facebook and we're actually being civil, be shock I know. But now that things are going smooth I don't know if I still want his friendship. I mean I'm still giving him a chance at friendship though. It's just, I was blind, I thought for the longest time that this is the best out there and I'll never find anything like this or better. Boy was I wrong! When he started talking to me again it made me realize things about him that I never noticed. Yes everyone has their flaws but these were things that REALLY bugged me. It made me wonder about how our relationship when we were together. I'm not saying we didn't have a good relationship, we did, it has plenty of memories and uniqueness but there were areas that was "blinded by love" which i'm not saying is good or bad. I honestly dont know if it is one or the other. But it was definitely a learning experience.

   Currently I am battling pain on my lower right side, they think it might be adhesions. sorry for a short post but I felt guilty for not posting anything in awhile even though I probably made no sense because of the hydrocodon.