Lost

Note this is a real personal blog entry.

Tonight we got word that my uncle in the Philippines died. It's bittersweet, he has been suffering for years with illnesses and is now at rest and no longer in pain but it's sad I never got to meet him.. I really don't know where I came from. My uncle was the only immediate biological family on my mom's side we had. Now don't get me wrong I'm thankful for the families that "adopted" us, but I wonder where I came from, why I am the way I am. Besides my family I have met very little of my biological relatives. Some full relative and other half relatives.... but I cant help but feel an emptiness.... everyone talks about how it is with their relatives and how much they look alike but I have no idea... My mom said when I was little I was a spitting image of my Aunt. I've seen a few pictures from my cousins and when I was little saw some pictures they would send but after awhile the phone calls and letters stopped. This was most likely because they did not have the money to do so. My mom was from a poor part of the Philippines. And I know some people are thinking "be grateful for what you have" or "at least you know who your parents are" and while yes this is all true I deserve to be down in the dumps too.

But what I'm mostly afraid of is how my mom will get through this. My mom is very emotional, to points it affects her diabetes and blood pressure we almost have to take her to the hospital because of her hysterical crying and carrying on.... That's why I cringe whenever there is bad news to give my mom. Although we had no idea this was coming. It was crazy though, my mom told my dad earlier today she felt like something bad was going to happen and she was right.

It's really hard on my mom because like many third world countries out there they think those who live in America have so much money. Most of yall probably are in America that reads this and know money isn't that easy. With my family we have just barely enough to live paycheck to paycheck. But I know my mom is feeling the guilt of not being able to send more. She knows deep down inside that there was nothing she could do but still feels the guilt.

After my mom calmed down I went to bed and told my boyfriend and all the tears just came out.... And something I wasn't expecting to hear came from him, he told me to say the rosary and divine mercy chaplet. My boyfriend and I are both catholic and we have faith but have been lacking in the devoting part. We ask each other to pray for one another when we need it and we truly believe in our faith but I guess the only excuse we can have is life gets in the way of the whole going to mass and things of that matter. So I wasn't quiet expecting that to come out of his mouth. But maybe it's a sign... because of things that has happened within my church I've stopped going. But maybe its a sign, oh who am i kidding, God is showing me he wants me back. I want to so bad but the things that has happened at my church makes it so uncomfortable to be there...  But I know this is an adventure I should take up and I'm going to try with all my might to do so.

Well that's all I got for right now. And for all yall that has read all this thank you. Although I know some might come across this that I don't want to but oh well. All I can say is just because my family has issues that yours don't or I sin differently than you doesn't make you or me any better than each other so stop judging. Might sound harsh but that's the truth. And your words and actions may have hurt me before but I am going to do my best to not let you have the upper hand to where I avoid certain places because that's not who I am and how my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be strong, yeah you might have knocked me down for awhile but I will ALWAYS get right back up.

let's talk about love...

Ok so I haven't slept at all so if I make no sense what so ever, you know why.
I want to talk about love. All our life we're told what love is or how to love. But how can you do so? There's the five love languages, which are different ways how you show someone you love them and how you desire to be loved. For those of you who are not familiar with this I'll briefly explain them. The first language is Words of Affirmation- i love you, you look beautiful, what would i do without you, etc. The second love language is Quality time- putting down the remote (or laptop) to listen to someone. The third is receiving gifts, as in THOUGHTFUL gifts, such as, oh i saw this at the store the other day and I totally had to get it for you. The fourth is act of service- no, let me do the laundry this time, hey I'll watch the kids tonight you guys go on a date. The last one is physical touch, and not just the behind the closed doors stuff, its holding hands, a pat on the back, or even a high five.
The five love languages are not just lover to lover but on any type of relationships. You can show or want more than one kind but most the time one or two dominates.
     So proving there's different ways to love brings me to my next thought. I myself have truly been in love 3 times. I personally believe there are different kind of love, now bare with me here people.
     My first love was i guess what you could call puppy dog love, ya know, you love everything the other person did, there was no pushing of buttons, you both liked the exact same thing and if not they introduced you to it and you fell in love with it. There was not a thing in the world this person could do wrong and you thought they were perfect if not, near it. You most likely never ever fought with this person and hardly had any negative feelings.
   My second love is my high school sweetheart. Guess we can call it blinded by love? This love when it happened was like woah, ok this is love, like REAL love that people get married over. You would do anything and everything to make that person happy even if in the very end it was getting rid of you. This love can be complicated, there's a lot of back and forth. You go through stages where when you are in the separation stage you fight for yalls love. Ya know the take me back please, i can't live without you etc. But then there's also a short most of the time, acceptance stage where you just care about them being happy even if it's not with you. I call this blinded by love because it is not till after the whole relationship is over do you see the persons flaws and wonder how the hell you stayed with that person for sooooo long and was able to put up with them. It is also a blind love because you have a "reputation" or mold to fill and constantly feel forced, aware or not, to act, be, or even in some people's cases, look a certain way. Don't get me wrong, this love can be amazing and a lot of work but in the end has you scratching your head sometimes.
  My third and current love is by far the best. I'm not just saying this  because I am currently with the person and doubt he reads this blog.... probably doesn't even know I have this blog.... anywho... I don't want to call this true love or the one because it'll be considered cheesy, so let's call it the accepting love. This form of love is when you can tell this person anything with no hesitation. Blunt honesty, no stutter, no trying to say it but you get tongue tied or just can't spit it out, you're always just able to tell them. Its something I've never had in any relationship before except with one other person who is my i guess girl version of my boyfriend. It's amazing because they know ALL of your dirt, how you think, how you're annoying, and yet don't judge you which means they never think less of you. These relationships you are able to tell things you've NEVER or have had a hard time telling other people about. Example, my boyfriend knows things about what I've been through that no one else knows. Yes. That kind of love.
     Which brings me to the point of this post. All our lives we wait for what we were taught or view love when most likely it's not going to happen that way. I mean my generation grew up with this poor poor girl gets saved by a knight in shinning armor, because a princess, and lives happily ever after. umm.... reality check??? Or society now is saying love is sex and lots of it. Now don't get me wrong with this next part, i LOVE my religion and faith I truly do, but we're taught that if we devote ourselves to our faith we'll find our significant other... ya know, the whole "A woman should be so in love with God that a man must seek him in order to find him" now I'm not saying that doesn't have truth in it. I believe God makes what should happen happen regardless but, I disagree with the whole we must be so devoted to serve him to find the one.
     Keeping on the religious note, God even has different ways of loving. There's the ever loving and forgiving  and tough love side. Just like our parents. Even that brings up another love which I'll just categorize as family.
     We're taught about love all our life. When all I think is to it is this.
You'll know love when you have it.
No how to, no what to expect, no building of expectations, just plain and simple. Because we all love in a different way, show love differently, and at least in my case feel love differently with different people/relationships.

First time

So this is your warning.
Content is for mature audience only... blah blah they put yeah..
I'm only putting this because I know it can be traumatizing and I might have readers that are young, so this is your WARNING that sexual content is within the topic.
OK moving forward now, this is also my first time blogging/ publicly sharing so yeah bare with me.
     I am to the point in my therapy where I have control of my body. But I am still not full healed because honestly, I don't think one ever fully heals after being raped. You just learn how to continue on and not let every little thing get to you. I am to the point where I go months without triggers etc but then my mind will start thinking about it so i have the tossing and turn, flashback nightmares, etc we PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) have. But I'm proud of myself. It's not once a week, there's times between, I no longer wake up screaming in the middle of the night and so much more.
     I use to not be able to go to certain areas, certain smells set me off, every day "humor" about rapes got to me so bad, just about anything could start a trigger for me. I was use to hiding things because of always being constantly in pain. But sometimes it was noticeable i was leaving but unsure why. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Yall who know me know that i'm pretty good at composing myself, if I'm upset I don't show the whole world but I also can't help it at times. At the same time I'm emotional. But the normal kind of emotional. I see girls who get worked up about the stupidest things.... I can't stand that! Yet when I was dealing with this every little thing set me off but I just buried it deeper inside.
     I struggled with depression, times where i would just be in my room or bathroom and cry.... I would have a war inside my body,
                  "should i cut?.. no, no, no, no..... you're smarter than that.... well how about kill myself... no.. not that either doing that would just devastate everyone and make the haters feel like they won.... but i don't want to live anymore...i know, i know, but just remember, everything has a reason,.... yeah, but maybe if i do something the pain would stop just for a little bit... Alyssa, stop...."
     I was always able to coach my way through those situations and even my flashbacks but it was still difficult. I knew everyone could tell I was fighting a battle but I wonder if they really knew how bad. Quite frankly, I'm lucky to have never been in the crazy ward and I believe that's because of my faith.
     But getting back to why I started this post... It's something that's been bugging me and I try to work on. You see, what happened to me was done by one race, that's the only thing these three guys have in common, they're race, and ever since then I not only have my wall built higher for everyone especially guys, but for this race. Those who have assault me through out the years were white... some of you are thinking you know so many white people though. Yes I do, but most of them I've known since I was little and they're like brothers to me. So I have no fear around them, I know they wouldn't do that to me and I know if they found out who these guys were they would have to dig a hole to bury bodies in. But every guy who wasn't one I've known my whole life had a huge barrier. The other week I mention how this 19 yr old was looking for extra money and he ended up hitting on me cuz he thought i was pretty. It sucks because this caused a trigger. I hardly ever get hit on by white guys and the first thing to pop in my mind was that he just wanted to get some. I know it's an unfair stereotype but sometimes you cant help it... Just a couple nights ago they cleared up and it had me reflecting on how I've been and I feel bad because the barrier is so high for white guys in my life whether they're young or old it doesn't matter. I thought it use to be guys who were straight up gingers, the really red hair and pale skin but obviously it's not.
     I know a lot of you are going to think I don't need to say this but I just want to apologize to those of you who are white and those of you who are a guy, I know I shouldn;t judge you for someone else's actions but I can't help it