The Meltdown

 "Upset" by sexfiend

This is part two of this series. Click here to read Part 1

This is where some people may draw the line, where what I'm about to say is considered "too personal." But then this blog would be pointless.  

I'll admit I tend to be emotional but never dramatic. But for the past couple of weeks I have noticed things building up and for the first time in awhile, I have not a clue what to do, I'm upset, I just want this pain to end and I want it gone now. I want to be able to go to school and work, I want to drive, I feel like I've been stuck at 15 in certain ways and it sucks. I don't want to be treated like a child or an elder, I hate it, I'm sick of my life revolving around my illnesses and it makes me mad.
And it sucks because people try to help me, but besides prayers all they can do is tell me "everything is going to be alright" etc... but right now, I don't want to hear it. Those words get so old so quick. I know people have good intentions but just because they do doesn't require me to take it that way. Surprisingly, this includes my family both biological and spoonie. No words can help. I just roll my eyes at the positivity and have everyone's thoughts and opinions dwell in my head making the subject stuck there even more. Having my spoonies saying they wouldn't be able to do what I'm going through just brought me down even more. Having my family say that they'll support me no matter what made me feel pressured somehow, I'm not quiet sure how but it did.

This is my "darkest hours" this is me, someone who is constantly told how strong she is, crumbling. And you know what? IT'S OKAY. We all go through times of trouble, we're SUPPOSED to. Even the strongest person has to stumble, and in my opinion, it's well worth it. Why? Because when you reach the light at the end of the tunnel you appreciate everything so much more. This is my time to gain new appreciation for the good in my life.

 http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/money/sick.jpg

Whenever I have serious thoughts in my head I tend to zone out real bad. I've been doing it more and more lately. My parent's have noticed this and have been talking to me. It get's really confusing. I know and have always known that my parents will do anything for me. That they know I'm 20, almost 21 so I legally make my own healthcare decisions. They help me with the facts and if asked, give their opinion. But both sides get frustrated and that can lead to heat. We're all tired of me being in pain. No one wants to see their loved one in pain nor does anyone want to be in pain.

Throughout the years I've had times when I was so emotionally upset that my parents know to just let me be. No matter how much they want to help me stop it's best they didn't. It ends much prettier when they do. Thankfully, we all learned that less while going through my teenage years (wow that makes me sound old!)  I'm honestly at a point where I have no clue what to do, I really don't. I don't want to give up but I'm so tired of fighting. I'm not an angry person especially towards others. But with this life (illnesses) I have so much hate, anger, and frustration towards it. It occasionally brings a real ugly side to me that unfortunately only my folks see and are victims of. Which makes me even more upset because I in no way intend to treat them like that especially after all they have done for me.

 http://warriorfitness.org/2012/05/16/muscle-confusion-got-ya-confused/

Recently I lost it after one of my parent's and my discussions. I went into my bathroom, started breathing heavy and just threw everything off of my counter. I stood leaning over the counter just trying to stay calm and doing my best not to cry but then I bursted into tears. I cried so hard that I just kinda crumbled onto the ground and curled up into a ball lying on the floor. Still crying my eyes out, I wanted my dog so I somehow managed to hobble over to my room, grab her, and just laid on the floor for awhile. I either passed out or fell asleep for a bit idk which. When I woke up I went into my bathroom to pick everything up. Of course, my body being the way it is was thrown for a loop by this meltdown and started shutting down, my parents were there to help me up and through it.

 "Frustration" by turnnburnkota

All of this has made me question a lot of things that once were all I wanted from life. I've always wanted a family. I LOVE kids. I just do. Luckily, none of my illnesses or medication causes infertility. But it makes me second guess everything. Do I really want to put someone through living hell? Do I want to make someone I love and care for have to carry me around? Is it worth putting all the burden on someone just so I can have a husband and kids? What if this is genetic and it passes on to them? I wouldn't wish this to anyone. So why should I have kids if there's even the SLIGHTEST chance of them having any of this? Do I want to put more stress on my family to help me and my husband raise my kids because I don't have the strength? The more I think about it, the more I'm against achieving those dreams. I don't want to drag anymore people down.

So often I just want to break down and cry. But crying just makes it all worse. It leaves you drained physically, emotionally and mentally causing your body to shut down. As much as we don't want to admit it, stress triggers many, if not all illnesses. Our bodies are still capable of having symptoms when we're not stressed or upset, but if we are, our symptoms can show up or make existing ones worse. Ever since March my passing out spells has come and gone more frequently and as you saw in my first post, frustration was building up. My approaching procedure didn't help me emotionally either. I went from being able to hang out with a couple friends to stuck in bed because of pain and exhaustion, my sleep "schedule" went out the door, and my appetite would vary mainly because of my several GI conditions. With my increased frustration there were times I wanted to give in. I wanted to cry, scream, and throw things. All I would think is how I wished I was healthy enough to go to the batting cages and release some of my anger. But my true self fought against my negativity. I can get through this, I don't need to waste my energy over something I can't control. That God gave me this battle because he KNOWS I can make it through. So now my body was at war against itself mentally and emotionally as well.

Emotional II Abstract Painting by K. Madison Moore

Thing kept tumbling down, I got new symptoms, "Great!" I thought, "more hoops to jump through. More possible test, specialists etc, I would have to deal with. " But I reassured myself that I got this. This is just my body being fussy. But within myself I was in denial. I was getting closer to breaking and like I tell my fellow spoonies, we all need time to be down in the dumps, we just gotta pick ourselves up before it's too late.  I wished I was in the movie "Click" where I could pause or fast forward anything. I was getting to a point where I just wanted it to end, I wasn't suicidal, but I wanted things to actually get better and have the pain go away.

And then it happened, the scariest moment of my life. I already had my emotional meltdown but this was my body having a meltdown from all the stress and pain. I was in the shower and like usual I had my mom close by to listen in case I fell or passed out. All I remember was stepping out the shower but what we think happened was as I was stepping out of the shower I passed out, my head hit the tub and my right hip hit the toilet. My mom tried to help me up but was unable to, she tried to get me dressed but I was in such agony it didn't workout. My dad felt uncomfortable coming in there since I was naked. I may be his child but I was his adult daughter who deserved privacy. Unfortunately, this was a time where health came before respect. They picked me up off the floor, got me dressed and laid me in bed. I was completely out of it, very lethargic and because my head hurt they were concern I had a concussion.

"I Don't Need Anything" by akirakirai

So off we went to the ER... Apparently I was in such bad shape when we arrived that they immediately put me in triage and then off into the trauma side of the ER. I was wearing a neck brace at one point and they did a work up on me which included a CT and X-ray of everywhere I was hurting. Everything came back alright.
But that wasn't the end, since  I was ok the doctor allowed me to have a shot of morphine. At this point I was out of a lethargic state but wasn't all there. I got confused, I thought I had an IV so I was wondering why they were going to give me a shot. Turns out they just drew blood and didn't put an IV in me. My response to all this was what my parent's call "the devil child" I started crying, screaming and yelling that I didn't want to. My nurse and parents tried to convince me other wise but I wasn't having it. They also tried to calm me down. It's no excuse but I think at that point I was so frustrated that I lost it again. I was tired of needles, narcotics, pain meds, nurses, and vitals. I was tired of, "Everything is normal! But we don't know what's wrong with her." I was tired of it all and at the time I wasn't me so I wasn't able to control my emotions.

During "the devil child" time I passed out several times in front of the nurse. They would wake me up but I kept going, my body had enough. I finally passed out one more time and they just let me be. I woke up later completely confused. I recalled grabbing my towel, remembered random spots of our way to the ER and that was it. I was asking a bunch of questions.
What happened?
How did we get here?
What was going on?
Why was I in a trauma room?
They explained it all, including "the devil child" moment. And for whatever reason, I was in denial, I thought that they were lying to me but I knew my parents would never do anything like that.
I was then presented another chance to have the morphine shot and I took it. Shortly after, the doctor was in to discharge us and off we went.

"Bye" by akirakirai

Since that incident I would break down crying randomly confused and scared about my procedure. Nothing my parent's said or showed helped. I was so scared. The thing that scared me was 1. I had to be awake and 2. a needle would be digging into where I hurted. All I wanted was it to get over and done with. There was much anxiety, stress, nervousness, and doubt. How was I supposed to be completely ok with this situation without the guarantee of success? My parents were concern about my emotional state but like previously discussed between each other, I was desperate for relief and willing to try anything that could potentially help even if it set my emotional or mental state for a loop. I was clinging onto hope that all this hell will be worth it in the end. That this indeed will help me become pain free

Lost

Note this is a real personal blog entry.

Tonight we got word that my uncle in the Philippines died. It's bittersweet, he has been suffering for years with illnesses and is now at rest and no longer in pain but it's sad I never got to meet him.. I really don't know where I came from. My uncle was the only immediate biological family on my mom's side we had. Now don't get me wrong I'm thankful for the families that "adopted" us, but I wonder where I came from, why I am the way I am. Besides my family I have met very little of my biological relatives. Some full relative and other half relatives.... but I cant help but feel an emptiness.... everyone talks about how it is with their relatives and how much they look alike but I have no idea... My mom said when I was little I was a spitting image of my Aunt. I've seen a few pictures from my cousins and when I was little saw some pictures they would send but after awhile the phone calls and letters stopped. This was most likely because they did not have the money to do so. My mom was from a poor part of the Philippines. And I know some people are thinking "be grateful for what you have" or "at least you know who your parents are" and while yes this is all true I deserve to be down in the dumps too.

But what I'm mostly afraid of is how my mom will get through this. My mom is very emotional, to points it affects her diabetes and blood pressure we almost have to take her to the hospital because of her hysterical crying and carrying on.... That's why I cringe whenever there is bad news to give my mom. Although we had no idea this was coming. It was crazy though, my mom told my dad earlier today she felt like something bad was going to happen and she was right.

It's really hard on my mom because like many third world countries out there they think those who live in America have so much money. Most of yall probably are in America that reads this and know money isn't that easy. With my family we have just barely enough to live paycheck to paycheck. But I know my mom is feeling the guilt of not being able to send more. She knows deep down inside that there was nothing she could do but still feels the guilt.

After my mom calmed down I went to bed and told my boyfriend and all the tears just came out.... And something I wasn't expecting to hear came from him, he told me to say the rosary and divine mercy chaplet. My boyfriend and I are both catholic and we have faith but have been lacking in the devoting part. We ask each other to pray for one another when we need it and we truly believe in our faith but I guess the only excuse we can have is life gets in the way of the whole going to mass and things of that matter. So I wasn't quiet expecting that to come out of his mouth. But maybe it's a sign... because of things that has happened within my church I've stopped going. But maybe its a sign, oh who am i kidding, God is showing me he wants me back. I want to so bad but the things that has happened at my church makes it so uncomfortable to be there...  But I know this is an adventure I should take up and I'm going to try with all my might to do so.

Well that's all I got for right now. And for all yall that has read all this thank you. Although I know some might come across this that I don't want to but oh well. All I can say is just because my family has issues that yours don't or I sin differently than you doesn't make you or me any better than each other so stop judging. Might sound harsh but that's the truth. And your words and actions may have hurt me before but I am going to do my best to not let you have the upper hand to where I avoid certain places because that's not who I am and how my parents raised me. My parents raised me to be strong, yeah you might have knocked me down for awhile but I will ALWAYS get right back up.

Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving yall!!

So my family and I love Thanksgiving, the parades, football, food, and of course being together. I made the green bean casserole and cream corn this year. This was a first for cream corn in our family being cooked and i took the risk of using a pinterest recipe. I forgot to take a picture of it but it was sooooo delicious! Here a picture of the pin and the link:

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/cream-corn-like-no-other/detail.aspx

Mine pretty much looked the same. I didn't add parmesan cheese though. I forgot but didnt taste any different!

Libbey Glass Round Covered Casserole Set, 6 piece - set of 6 (Google Affiliate Ad)

A short goodbye to Texas???

So I'm currently suffering a bad flare of my IBS... right now feels more like Crohn's but basically i'm having stomach issues. I saw my doctor today and he wants to see if he can get me into Mayo Clinic. For those of you who don't know Mayo Clinic is a St Jude's for rare/crohnic/multiple illnesses. They have 3 locations Arizona, Florida, and Minnesota.

This is ver overwhelmming for me because most liekly only one parent can come while the other one stays and work. Money onviously is a big factor and i gotta leave home.... home where both my parents are, family comes and visit, my dog, and boyfriend is.... all of which keep me going... I'm really scared and although it hasn't been confirmed yet if i'm going... it's scary... Its proven time and time again at home comfort helps me heal the most. And we dont know how long i'll have to be at whichever place i go...

This is really heavy on me i can't sleep.... More updates to follow but please keep us in your prayers... idk how we're gonna make it but we will....

Simba!!!

So like every year since the summer of 09 I spent an amazing week at camp fort worth. For those of you that do not know what it is it's basically a local mission trip/church camp. Every year God always help me grow in my relationship with him and tells me something I need to know. I stole this idea from Randell that I will release each week a day/part of camp. A-team retreat will be just one post most likely.
  Just some basics for those of you who don't know camp. A-team are a group of returning camp fort worth kids that are still in high school or just finished like myself. cfw is for camp fort worth.
   The camp is a group of mainly high schoolers from around the diocease along with their chaperones. Campers arrive Sunday evening. We divide into small groups and each day go to a different work site to do community service. So one day you will go to the boys and girls club, a nursing home, mission arlington- a place that helps the needy, work on baby beds for the needy in our diocease, and stay at the church we stay at and help around because they let us stay there for free. In the evening we have a faith growing acitivity. Oh, and each day is started by daily mass. I know some people are probably reading this and thinking well thats boring but I promise you it's not. You create a strong bond where you come as strangers and leave as family so of course there is a bunch of work AND play.
 So now that we got the basics done let's get started!

A-team arrives Friday afternoon so we can bond and prepare for the campers who will arrive Sunday. So we lug all our stuff to our sleeping area and set up. Now yall know my memory is pretty bad so everything might not be in order.... (oops) Friday night is always pretty relaxed, we have a movie night and we watched the Lion King. A camper insider was immediately started, ya know when rafeki rubs that red stuff on simba?? yeah, that started a whole thing of us "simba-ing" each other randomly lol. Saturday is more move in day where we unload the camp trailer and i think.... we set up all the sound stuff... if not it was sunday... anyway... We also make our awesome signs of telling people where to go. We get pretty silly and creative. Then we just have time to be with each other which who doesn't love spending time with friends you haven't seen all year because they live forever aways??? We also then attend weekend Mass
     Next we have even deeper bonding time both as a group and in our faith. We went to the Chapel and spent time with Jesus- Adoration for my noncatholic friends out there- adoration is when Jesus is exposed in the eucharist and we just get to spend time with him. A new experience I had this year was free praise. Basically we open up with a song then come to the a point where we can sing whatever we want. It is pretty amazing it's basically improv with your voice praising God. It gave me the chills. We slowly move on with our night and wash each others feet just like Jesus did to his disciples before he died. Normally our adult leaders wash all our feet (there's 3 of them so we would go to just one of them) but they changed it up this year, we would go up to get our feet washed and then after our feet were washed we become the foot washer and wash whoever came up next feet. Finally, my favorite part of A-team retreat, we split up by guys and girls and form a circle. We then take turns going into the middle of the circle and ask for whatever prayers we need. Then, we put our hands on the person in the middle and start praying out loud. It is always a moving experience.
    Sunday goes by real fast! We do last minute preperation for campers. Then, we do a guided mediation of our first camp. We also get to reflect on our overall camp experience and share some of our moments with each other.
Stay tuned for more cfw post!

let's talk about love...

Ok so I haven't slept at all so if I make no sense what so ever, you know why.
I want to talk about love. All our life we're told what love is or how to love. But how can you do so? There's the five love languages, which are different ways how you show someone you love them and how you desire to be loved. For those of you who are not familiar with this I'll briefly explain them. The first language is Words of Affirmation- i love you, you look beautiful, what would i do without you, etc. The second love language is Quality time- putting down the remote (or laptop) to listen to someone. The third is receiving gifts, as in THOUGHTFUL gifts, such as, oh i saw this at the store the other day and I totally had to get it for you. The fourth is act of service- no, let me do the laundry this time, hey I'll watch the kids tonight you guys go on a date. The last one is physical touch, and not just the behind the closed doors stuff, its holding hands, a pat on the back, or even a high five.
The five love languages are not just lover to lover but on any type of relationships. You can show or want more than one kind but most the time one or two dominates.
     So proving there's different ways to love brings me to my next thought. I myself have truly been in love 3 times. I personally believe there are different kind of love, now bare with me here people.
     My first love was i guess what you could call puppy dog love, ya know, you love everything the other person did, there was no pushing of buttons, you both liked the exact same thing and if not they introduced you to it and you fell in love with it. There was not a thing in the world this person could do wrong and you thought they were perfect if not, near it. You most likely never ever fought with this person and hardly had any negative feelings.
   My second love is my high school sweetheart. Guess we can call it blinded by love? This love when it happened was like woah, ok this is love, like REAL love that people get married over. You would do anything and everything to make that person happy even if in the very end it was getting rid of you. This love can be complicated, there's a lot of back and forth. You go through stages where when you are in the separation stage you fight for yalls love. Ya know the take me back please, i can't live without you etc. But then there's also a short most of the time, acceptance stage where you just care about them being happy even if it's not with you. I call this blinded by love because it is not till after the whole relationship is over do you see the persons flaws and wonder how the hell you stayed with that person for sooooo long and was able to put up with them. It is also a blind love because you have a "reputation" or mold to fill and constantly feel forced, aware or not, to act, be, or even in some people's cases, look a certain way. Don't get me wrong, this love can be amazing and a lot of work but in the end has you scratching your head sometimes.
  My third and current love is by far the best. I'm not just saying this  because I am currently with the person and doubt he reads this blog.... probably doesn't even know I have this blog.... anywho... I don't want to call this true love or the one because it'll be considered cheesy, so let's call it the accepting love. This form of love is when you can tell this person anything with no hesitation. Blunt honesty, no stutter, no trying to say it but you get tongue tied or just can't spit it out, you're always just able to tell them. Its something I've never had in any relationship before except with one other person who is my i guess girl version of my boyfriend. It's amazing because they know ALL of your dirt, how you think, how you're annoying, and yet don't judge you which means they never think less of you. These relationships you are able to tell things you've NEVER or have had a hard time telling other people about. Example, my boyfriend knows things about what I've been through that no one else knows. Yes. That kind of love.
     Which brings me to the point of this post. All our lives we wait for what we were taught or view love when most likely it's not going to happen that way. I mean my generation grew up with this poor poor girl gets saved by a knight in shinning armor, because a princess, and lives happily ever after. umm.... reality check??? Or society now is saying love is sex and lots of it. Now don't get me wrong with this next part, i LOVE my religion and faith I truly do, but we're taught that if we devote ourselves to our faith we'll find our significant other... ya know, the whole "A woman should be so in love with God that a man must seek him in order to find him" now I'm not saying that doesn't have truth in it. I believe God makes what should happen happen regardless but, I disagree with the whole we must be so devoted to serve him to find the one.
     Keeping on the religious note, God even has different ways of loving. There's the ever loving and forgiving  and tough love side. Just like our parents. Even that brings up another love which I'll just categorize as family.
     We're taught about love all our life. When all I think is to it is this.
You'll know love when you have it.
No how to, no what to expect, no building of expectations, just plain and simple. Because we all love in a different way, show love differently, and at least in my case feel love differently with different people/relationships.

IS this real life?? And many thank yous

All I can say is wow! Today is the day I graduate high school. I never thought this day would come. For those of you who don't know me, since middle school I've been on an uphill battle with multiple illnesses that took forever to diagnos and numerous doctors (some that were fired by my family) to get to where I am today. The reason I never thought I would graduate was not because I had trouble in school, I was always in honor and AP programs back in public school, but the daily battle I had with my body. Getting up was so tough let alone get ready for school. That's what brought me to Cassata. It's a self pace private high school. You work on your own and your teacher is there to help and push you. Unlike most schools, it was only 3 hours. But that was too much for my body at times. Because I was smart I could have finished school in 1-2 year(s). But because I wasn't at school it took longer. Now, because I am focusing on moving on, I just got my GED to get school over with. But still, it was hard work. The GED test was easy but I still feel those gruesome hours working on school work, pages of notebook paper, and heavy textbooks up and down killer stairs paid of.

     And with class, I stick it to all those haters and nonbelievers. You tried to tear me down through out the years but you didn't win. You may have knocked me down but I got back up my God is bigger than any storm you try to give me. You said stuff like my pain wasn't real, I was getting my grades handed to me, and even considered me a dropout when I transferred schools. You tried to get my family in trouble with the law, it's called homebound keyword, HOME. You tried to intimidate my family and I to think we had no chance elsewhere when we did. There's a quote I found it talks about how people rain on your parade because they are tired of the shade from your sunshine and Taylor Swift says it herself, "people throw rocks at things that shine" well all the negative you gave me became a positive. You fueled me to work and fight harder. I appreciate the little thing more because of what you said and did. I am so greatful for every moment in my life. And so, I also want to thank you all you haters and nonbelievers, sometimes we need negativity instead of all positivity to push us forward and well, that's what you did. I would also like to say that I forgive you as well. 

     And now for some happier things!

     I would like to give thanks and praise to those who did believe in me and who stuck by my side especially since the begining. You guys are awesome! Even if you didn't know what to say or do you just showed your love to me and lifted my spirits. Your prayers helped heal me. A special thanks to all those who came to visit me in the hospital, kept me company via facebook, texting, etc, and to those who went above and beyond. But also yall treated me normal like nothing was wrong which means so much to me as well.

     My high school sweetheart who had issues of his own but would drop everything asap to be there for me. Who held me when I wasn't feeling good. Who was honest to me good or bad, who came to the hospital to be with me when he absolutely hates them, and who also stayed with me even though because of all my sickness I reminded him of his deceased mother. I will always love you and will never love anyone like I love you, your tenderness always helped. Just talking to you or getting a hug even smelling your scent always calmed me down when nothing else did. Sometimes hearing things from you even if I heard it from the rest of the world stuck when you said it. 

     To my church, from rosaries, chaplets, and just regular prayer you guys lifted my soul to God and not only heal me physically but spiritually. You were there for me and my family. You guys were the ones who kept my parents and I out of the crazy house. From all this to rides, and more you helped my family tremendously. 

     To my school, I have to specifically mention Mrs. Martin, Mrs. Fowler, Mr. Anderson, and Mrs. Cheatham. Man, you guys are really the best thing ever. You always made sure I was okay, made me laugh when I needed it, guide me through life, support me, and push me. When the decision came to get my GED instead of diploma and I wasn't sure yall reassured me that this is what's best for me. That although I was close it was time to move on with my life and that I'll be just find. It is because of yall along with other teachers that I will smile when I look back at my years at Cassata. 

     To my girls most of yall i've known since kindergarten. Even though distance and time kept us apart off and on we would act like it never happened. You girls have my heart and I love yall so much. Thanks for being there for me at all times. I will always have crazy memories of us but also sincere moments where we had deep conversations.

     To all those who have treated me medically, without your perservernce man, I have no idea where I would be. From finding what's wrong with me to treating me with the most affect way that wouldnt make other things worst or cost too much you guys worked so hard.
    To those new to my life now, yall accepted me for who I am. You help push me and do your best to help but also treat me normal and not like some china doll. Yall watch out for me and aren't afraid to ask question about my illnesses.
     But most of all, to my family. My brother and his family for being there when they can, helping me get out when I was feeling well enough. Other members who would pray for us and send encouraging words. And of course, my parents. You saw me suffer through so much pain, I learned how that felt when Mikey was sick and dad had pneoumia. You want to do anything you possibly can to help even if it was taking the pain yourself. But all that you could was comfort me and give me meds and thats all, even then sometimes it didnt work. Your sacrifice of work hours, sleep, and money will forever be appreciated. You guys are my rock. Yall formed me into the woman I am today and I am forever greatful for everything. We have our ups and downs but as far as I'm concern, yall are the best parents ever. Yeah you could have laid off on the overprotectiveness but I understand that you want to protect your child, especially your youngest.
Well, I should get some shut eye! Got a long day tomorrow!