Am I Allowing God's Will?

Ok so I apologize now if this post is weird, I'm currently working on this on my phone so we'll see how this goes!

Now, I know you're either thinking based on the title this is how to reflect on if you're allowing God's will to be done or you think this is a very bizarre topic for me to talk about but both are wrong.

This is a reflection I just had moments ago which is why I'm taking the risk of writing this on my phone instead of waiting until later. I will say I did take pain meds about 2 hours ago so if I make no sense, thank the meds. Lol

So why am I wondering if I'm letting God's  will be done? (This might be borderline TMI for some of yall) Well, I have been medically on birth control for several female reproductive illnesses I battle, and thanks to a youth minister I was informed the church is ok with women being on birth control if it is for medical reasons and there aren't any other options or those options didn't work out.

Anyway, I get a shot every 3 months for my birth control rather than taking a pill everyday. Unfortunately, these last 2 months my medication has stopped working and my doctor has informed me she wants me not to have a period at all which means no estrogen for me. My birth control has to be progesterone only. So after learning the differences between the two I went to all my spoonie groups and asked for suggestions. Up until one point, it was either stay on my shot or try a thing they implant to the inside of your arm. Well, with that implant there is a wide variety of responses to it. So wide, I wasn't comfortable asking my doctor about it. Everything else I was suggested would most likely be shot down by my doctor because you either still get your period or it has estrogen in it. And the only other option to stop the pain and cycle is to get my tubes tied like many women have to do because of one of these illnesses. One girl was telling me this and I told her that I will not let a doctor do so no matter how much pain I would have to do because I wanted to have have children.

But that is when a lovely lady informed me how to find progesterone only pills. Which thrilled me! I could stay on those pills or go a more semi permanent route and get the implant the pill works out. Yay! Game plan!

Later on, as I'm laying in bed I started thinking about all my dreams in life but I was also thinking about God and how I truly want to be what I feel God wants me to be. And then it hit me, am I being selfish? Apart of pursuing the vocation of marriage, you and your spouse have to be open when it comes to children. You allow God the potential to havr children. For some people, having children doesn't happen and there are differences in feelings with that news.

Everyone who knows me knows I LOVE children, I'm dubbed an aunt to many of my friend's  kiddo, I help with advice when they don't know what to do and it is known that if I'm feeling well enough I'll be a mommy helper or babysitter, and expect very little in return. I have and will always want children. In fact, it is that very reason that I stopped pursuing religious life because I felt called to bare child.

But a lot has happened since then, including my female issues getting worse. Tonight I started questioning if that was a sign from God or if this struggle is something I'm supposed to go through. Am I being selfish? That my dream and want for a child is blinding me from doing what God truly wants me to do? Or am I on the right path in refusing a procedure that wouldn't allow me to have children?

Hard stuff. And frankly, I have no clue! I'm going back and forth in my head seeing signs of both sides. I haven't dig deeper into the church's teaching on vasectomy, I plan on doing so later on so maybe when I read that it'll help me see a clearer  picture. I truly hope so because  I owe it to God, if it wasnt for him, I would be 6 feet under in all seriousness. I may not be what other catholics feel how a Catholic should be and think, but I'm being me. And since having Pope Francis, it seems as if my approach on the world and others are acceptable. The areas I'm not is to be expected though, we're human, we have to mess up/sin somewhere. It's not an excuse but the truth. One I have struggled with while I was in high school but that's another blog post.

So what's the point of all this? Purposely, nothing. This is just me talking about my life, letting yall in and helping myself out. And who knows, maybe there is a purpose! Maybe one of yall have something that will help me figure things out! Or hearing my story will help you!

I'm not saying everyone needs to rethink their dreams and change them because you think you're being selfish. Most likely, if you are of faith and probably several who aren't of faith, your dreams involve the gifts God has given you, and if you are of faith, you have opened yourself to God, you have allowed him in when it comes to what path to take. But we are human and we do mess up. When you think about it, it can be difficult to figure things out. Something bad can be something you're supposed to deal with to reach your goal or it can be the devil trying to stir you away. Same can be said about good things that happen, great things can be happening but that's the devil pulling you in or it can be God saying, "yes! You are doing the right thing and I'm proud of you." That is where prayer and developing a relationship with God comes in handy. And not just the 5 second prayer to ask for a sign, but a true and genuine prayer allowing yourself to have a conversation with God.

I think it is wise to think about your goals and dreams sometimes and question asking if you're doing God's will. But letting it consume you isn't what God wants because that will stir you away from the present which we all should be living in.

Until next time,

Aly