Thursday, June 25, 2015
Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail and broke down in tears. My neurostimulator was denied. I am heart broken. It took awhile for me to calm down. I'm still processing it all but my parents are determined to get me my stimulator one way or another.
First route is to resubmit but with more info and to include every and all medical record we can. If that doesn't work, we will find a way to pay for it and if we do go that route a fundraiser page will be set up so that yall can donate if you are able to.
This is my first time dealing with this kind of situation, I'm so use to doors being slammed in my face of not having any answers for me, to be a complete mystery. But to have the door slammed when I have an answer to relief, it hurts so much. Every time I think about it, I get tears in my eyes. Stress and crying makes my body go haywire so I'm slowly paying for all my emotions. I'm drained and part of me is just getting numb to the whole situation.
Since our whole depression med change I haven't felt myself and my psychologist thinks it's because of me waiting on this approval so now not having the approval has me very uneasy. I'm doing my best right now but this is just so much to deal with so hopefully my psychologist will have some ideas to help me cope with everything.
My devotionals have been talking about not focusing on the future but on God which fortunately has prepared me for this situation. But I'm still overwhelmed and trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with this.
So my readers, prayer warriors, friends, family, whoever you are, this summer I am going to need more support than I thought I would. These last 8 years have been tough, I thought we were over our toughest hours/years but I was wrong. We are so close to me being able to live a more "normal" life but several obstacles have been put in our way.
I'm lost but I'm not giving up, it's just going to take some time for me to get back up and start swinging. It sucks, I'm in one of those moods where I just need to go out and have some fun but I can't. I'm stuck. I can't do the typical "YOLO"/young adult thing and party or drink away the situation right now. I can't even eat my emotions out! Right now, all I can do is cling on for dear life until the storm settles.
It really sucks, I haven't been taking my pain meds that much, not because I'm not in pain but because I was so close to not having to deal with it, I'm just at home where I'm able to lay down all day I honestly didn't understand the need to take them all the time. But now what? I'm stuck even longer with them or my injections. I don't want that, no one deserves to live like this.
I don't know why I just put up with the pain but I know I'm not the only one. So many of us spoonies just grin and bear our symptoms, I think because we understand there's no relief and unless we're attempting to go out and do something, it's easier dealing with it than getting frustrated with our meds not helping much as it use to or spending more money we don't have.
Sorry that last little bit got a bit scattered! If you want to be up to date on everything you can go like my Facebook page HERE