Monday, June 29, 2015

Letting the Tears Fall

So if you haven't heard, my neurostimulator got denied by my insurance, we're in the process of resubmitting more info and trying again because sometimes that's what you gotta do with insurance.
Since after finding out and becoming a basket case for the rest of that day I've kinda numb myself to it all. And being unable to do what most folks do when things go to crap (going out and having fun, drinking, clubbing, workout real hard) I'm stuck. So, it's been avoiding thinking about the whole situations and my feelings
Which went well until 2-3 am Friday. I've been trying to figure out how to cope because I knew it would be only so long until I got to where I am today.
Yeah, I broke down crying.

When I originally wrote this post hours later I wasn't paying for my tears yet but I was waiting for it. I could have been a lot worse so I'm kinda proud of myself. Right when I was about to loose it I texted my dad telling him I was about to so sleepy- I- have - a - long - weekend - dad came to the rescue. It took a moment he was droggy, I was emotional so guess you can say we kinda growled and barked at each other for a sec. But then, we both calmed down and realized we were taking out the situation on each other which isn't what we needed to do. So I tried my best to not sound like a kid having a temper tantrum and he gathered himself so he wouldn't sound like I'm the problem.

After we got over the obvious exchange of words and stuff, our convo finally went into the kinds people who are close usually have in the early hours of the morning. It still fell under the obvious things to say about our whole insurance crap but instead of getting me more emotional or feeding the fire of anger we had inside us it became theraputic for me, maybe for him too. We discussed how this person who reviewed my request didn't know the whole story and how they're pretty much being some person behind a desk making decisions for people they don't know and only knowing a small part of their story. We talked about how that made us feel and how we have so many points that will be made with our next submission.

But I was still crying, I just couldn't help it, it needed to come out. I know the cost of my tears, I know I'm going to pay for it but again, it could have been a lot worse. I could have been so bad you couldn't understand a word I was saying. So bad that no matter how much I blew my nose it would still be stuffy, but I didn't. I'm grieving and while yes, this is a delay not a lost, I blindly believed I would get insurance approval right away. I did loose for right now, I was told no, sure it could would be a no not yet thing but still, it's a set back and sometimes we just gotta let it out.
I know I might sound all over the place right now and I've said crying gets me nowhere which is very true. But there are situations where crying is neccessary just like dancing. As a spoonie, we learn to save those times for when we really need to because doing those things can be like someone who doesn't run, doing a 5K one weekend with no training.
I feel better, I don't feel like I'm drowning or completly lost, my head feels a little more clearer. Right now, yeah I'm starting to feel a little tired from it all but that's what I needed at the time.

My dad said he needs my help writing his letter and thinking of things to say which is no question, I'm going to help but FINALLY just a little bit of determination came to me just now. I already knew points to make and told my dad some of them while we we're talking because some of the things were bothering me. I kinda felt like when you are told to write something though, there are ones you just know the facts or whatever and blindly write what needs to be said or what people want to hear, but then there are things that you are passionate about and sometimes even when it is something we love we loose the passion for a moment. Maybe because we have to follow a routine or it's not the way we want to do it but we loose it sometimes and it's not always easy to get it back, sometimes you just have to let that passion come and find you. 

And that was where depression rears it's ugly head, it clouds you, it makes everything seem dull. yeah I didn't know what to do when I got denied, should I have said I'm gonna find a way? Probably, that's definetly an "Aly" thing but the moment my dad said we were fighting this I was in. It wasn't a "hell yeah I'm in!" but an "I'm in" and to me it didn't matter how I was about it, the fact that I said yes was the first step for me. 
I know this might be scary for some of yall to read because you know the true Aly and I apologize for that but I have to be honest with myself and with the world. I have to show how a multitude of illnesses can affect someone. I have to show how mental illnesses are, how they can make someone act ways that are far from who they are, Because if I don't I'm conitinuing the stigma, I'm allowing invisible illnessesn both phyiscal and mental be just that, invisible and I refuse to let that happen, Tear me down all you want and accuse me of begging for attention I really don't care because I'm tired of seeing the spoonie community walked all over. 

Anyways, I just wanted to give an update to yall. I didn't post this right away because I wanted to review what I wrote when my head was clearer and to make sure my dad was cool with what I wrote about him even though to me it doesn't sound bad or anything.
Since Friday I'm doing better, in some ways a lot and in others not so much, but better nonetheless emotionally. I wish I could say physically but Saturday night I took a nice tumble in our kitchen which has me pretty sore still. And of course my "little friend" my chronic pain is there as always. This is still overwhelming, scary and confusing but I can breathe a little easier now.
Thank you everyone for yalls support I'm still in great need of it along with my parent's. My support page on facebook- Support for Aly, will be updated on any progress we've made.

Until next time,

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