Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Please Don't Touch Me

Trigger warning: this post will be talking about the mental and emotional aftermath of sexual assault. No details of the events will be given but talk about reaction to being touched will be.

Over the summer my PTSD has gotten worse/flared up thanks to the media using my situation as an entertainment factor. I can go on and on about the outrage I have about this but we'll save that for later. This has been something that has been weighing on my shoulders recently and I wanted to share this because I think it will help a lot of people in my shoes but also help the loved ones of people in my shoes better understand the changes in the one they love.

I'm an affectionate person, my whole family is, plus I live in the south so most likely, you're gonna be greeted with a hug by people me included. I'm fine with hugging, I can control how close someone gets to me, if I'm not ok with a bear hug I can prevent the amount of body contact I have with someone by leaning forward more. Also, having been involved at my church we only do side hugs with kids and youth, steps we have took with the whole church scandal.

I LOVE to cuddle ask anyone I have dated, let me cuddle and I'm happy. You can play your video games (although I usually am playing too) or whatever just let me cuddle up to you. I use to cuddle up to whoever would let me out of the people i know whether it's just leaning on or heads resting on each other again, do that and I'm happy.

But the one thing that was robbed of me after everything is my comfortablity with cuddling and it hurts because some of the people I really want to cuddle with and SHOULD feel comfortable cuddling with I don't anymore. The biggest one being my dad. I'm really close to my dad, he's my rock. Ever since I was little our thing was to lay down and watching tv together on his days off. I would lay my head on his shoulder or stomach off and on but now, there's no contact. And I hate it. I've been in a really cuddly mood lately but been too uncomfortable to cuddle up to either parent. Sometimes them just putting their arm around me or hugging me a second too long gets me super uncomfortable they just don't know it.

It KILLS me.

Really the only time I've been ok with them holding me is when I'm having a huge mental break down. The other night I was I'm really bad pain and my mom offered to hold but even then I was too uncomfortable with that. Hell! There are times when I've needed help from my mom because I passed out or whatever but I don't even want her to see me naked!

I haven't talked to them about it, it's too hard and I think it's something that it's really really hard to understand. Either way, their feelings would get hurt and I don't want that.

It just really really sucks, the 2 people I should feel completely comfortable with I don't. I try, oh trust me I try. Like when they hug too long or their appropriate touch makes me feel weird I push through it but no progress. I have no clue how to fix this and when I was in assault specific counseling I guess I was denying this was a problem so I wasn't able to ask for help.

and then there's the doctors or random bump in with a stranger oh man...... the stranger thing I'm totally ok with, briskly touch a random body part jumping, oh well it happens. But sometimes with my doctors I have to mentally prepare myself for them touching me. I already do this if I know they're gonna touch my stomach but now I have to prepare even more.

It's weird because since I'm such an affectionate person I want to be touched but I guess you can call me "picky" on who it's from. I don't want to be like this especially towards my parents. Again it sucks. But that's just the evil of PTSD I have to deal with and some of the stuff I've learned I'm in no control of. Is this one of them? So far I think yes but maybe someone out there knows and can help me get past this I don't know. But I just wanted the world to know you're not alone, that your loved one isn't purposely pulling away from you it's just cause and affect. And really the only thing I can think of that you can do is ask them if it's ok to touch them, hug them or hold them and try not to get too emotional if the answer is no.
will it get better? I don't know, I hope so, maybe this one takes a lot of time or at least for me it does.