Wednesday, June 6, 2012


So I have no idea who reads this, but I'm hoping victims/survivors, loved ones of them etc is reading at least this post. I hope in me talking about my experiences it helps you in some way.

     These last few weeks have been real tough. As I've mentioned my attackers have all been white. The start of my most recent episodes was that a young man came to the door looking for yard work or something to do, I ended up getting hit on by him. Now since i've been out of school this was the first time n a very, very, long time that i got hit on by someone white. At first I was flattered, very flattered acutally, to be called beautiful after being abruptly woken up by a doorbell. But my mind was dwelling on it while i wasnt aware. It started with being more paranoid, i would constantly look all around me when i walked, especially alone, I had my always in reach tazer in hand. Gradually it became worst, i wasnt able to sleep at night, white guys who had already gain my trust i started watching more. Eventually, nightmares started happen an all guys were on high alert levels for me. I still bottled everything in except the complaints to my boyfriend because I didnt want to keep my parents up all night. Last week at its worst (and still kinda is) I can not sleep at night at all, if i do its only for a few hours. I woke up once with screaming and crying nightmares which ended up being only a 3 hour sleep for me. I was at my boyfriends house and my flashback that normally no one could touch me when i was having one, he had broke the wall and is the only one who can hold me and i feel SAFE when currently having one. Which also makes me feel bad because when i say only, that includes my parents...
     But it's frustrating in that, I do all what i can to control and calm down and theres literally nothing else i can do... I want to be more... i'm actually making better progress than most people, but me being me, i always set the bar higher. The best thing to do during flashbacks is bring yourself back to reality. yes, what was in your head actually happened in the past, but isnt happening in the present. Yes, it's frustrating that you have 8317513659 reasons that you are safe but you don't feel it. and yes you just want to sleep all day cuz u didnt during the night but pushing yourself to go to work or your day as usual is nececsary and possible. it will be hard to talk about what u been through and sometimes the people you do feel like you can open up to dont want to hear about it because they might murder someone.... be patient. Therapist are amazing, you figure out things in session but for some reason once you find that one person it 's a huge loaded lifted off you.

Well i'm rambling think this means its time to get off!
Peace, love, and healing

No comments:

Post a Comment