First time

So this is your warning.
Content is for mature audience only... blah blah they put yeah..
I'm only putting this because I know it can be traumatizing and I might have readers that are young, so this is your WARNING that sexual content is within the topic.
OK moving forward now, this is also my first time blogging/ publicly sharing so yeah bare with me.
     I am to the point in my therapy where I have control of my body. But I am still not full healed because honestly, I don't think one ever fully heals after being raped. You just learn how to continue on and not let every little thing get to you. I am to the point where I go months without triggers etc but then my mind will start thinking about it so i have the tossing and turn, flashback nightmares, etc we PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) have. But I'm proud of myself. It's not once a week, there's times between, I no longer wake up screaming in the middle of the night and so much more.
     I use to not be able to go to certain areas, certain smells set me off, every day "humor" about rapes got to me so bad, just about anything could start a trigger for me. I was use to hiding things because of always being constantly in pain. But sometimes it was noticeable i was leaving but unsure why. Sometimes I didn't even know why. Yall who know me know that i'm pretty good at composing myself, if I'm upset I don't show the whole world but I also can't help it at times. At the same time I'm emotional. But the normal kind of emotional. I see girls who get worked up about the stupidest things.... I can't stand that! Yet when I was dealing with this every little thing set me off but I just buried it deeper inside.
     I struggled with depression, times where i would just be in my room or bathroom and cry.... I would have a war inside my body,
                  "should i cut?.. no, no, no, no..... you're smarter than that.... well how about kill myself... no.. not that either doing that would just devastate everyone and make the haters feel like they won.... but i don't want to live anymore...i know, i know, but just remember, everything has a reason,.... yeah, but maybe if i do something the pain would stop just for a little bit... Alyssa, stop...."
     I was always able to coach my way through those situations and even my flashbacks but it was still difficult. I knew everyone could tell I was fighting a battle but I wonder if they really knew how bad. Quite frankly, I'm lucky to have never been in the crazy ward and I believe that's because of my faith.
     But getting back to why I started this post... It's something that's been bugging me and I try to work on. You see, what happened to me was done by one race, that's the only thing these three guys have in common, they're race, and ever since then I not only have my wall built higher for everyone especially guys, but for this race. Those who have assault me through out the years were white... some of you are thinking you know so many white people though. Yes I do, but most of them I've known since I was little and they're like brothers to me. So I have no fear around them, I know they wouldn't do that to me and I know if they found out who these guys were they would have to dig a hole to bury bodies in. But every guy who wasn't one I've known my whole life had a huge barrier. The other week I mention how this 19 yr old was looking for extra money and he ended up hitting on me cuz he thought i was pretty. It sucks because this caused a trigger. I hardly ever get hit on by white guys and the first thing to pop in my mind was that he just wanted to get some. I know it's an unfair stereotype but sometimes you cant help it... Just a couple nights ago they cleared up and it had me reflecting on how I've been and I feel bad because the barrier is so high for white guys in my life whether they're young or old it doesn't matter. I thought it use to be guys who were straight up gingers, the really red hair and pale skin but obviously it's not.
     I know a lot of you are going to think I don't need to say this but I just want to apologize to those of you who are white and those of you who are a guy, I know I shouldn;t judge you for someone else's actions but I can't help it

And I'm suppose to relate to these people?

Something that's been bugging me for as long as I can remember is society today and my generation... Like really??? It's so difficult to find a genuine person... Everyone just about acts fake, they go with the crowd and those that don't are either huge jerks or they aren't but very very hard to find. Now, I'm not saying everyone has to be a genius but some basic knowledge and common sense would be nice. Do you know how hard it is to find someone my age or younger who would hold the door for you??? It's like trying to find a needle in the haystack. And what about the kids who were raised right but got caught up in high school? They act like the perfect child around their parents but soon as they turn their backs they are RECKLESS!
   Few of you who know me may have known I had a friend of mine that lived with me recently. Now being perfectly honest since this is what my blog is about, honesty, I would never in a million years be close friends with someone like this but because of how we met we were kinda close. You see, I started talking to this guy who was having girlfriend problems, so I tried to help them out but it didn't work out. He started liking me and supposedly they broke up and after a week of me knowing that he asked me out and I said yes. We'll later he got caught. He didn't break up with his girlfriend till after me and him were together and that girl and I figured that out. So the girl and I became friends. Time went by and for whatever reason she got kicked out her house and was moving place to place. Being the person I am I offered to take her in.
   This was really a shock for me, everyone now-in-days says "lol" as a fill in for everything, but this girl, whenever she put "lol" she really was laughing out loud... EVERYTHING was funny to her, even when you were being serious she would always end up laughing. I couldn't take her seriously at all. I let her in because she would tell me about the things she did around the house she was staying at. But it never happened at my house... i was waiting and waiting for that time to come, but it never did. She did her laundry twice the little over a month time at my house. We agreed she could stay with us if she helped out and straighten out her life. Well she gave up on helping around the house because she washed the dishes once and my mom redid it because she didn't wash them well. She couldn't get a job because it's just plain difficult and did not know how to fill out an application. She always made an excuse for everything. To be flat out honest she wasn't smart at all. Some of the questions she would ask I thought she was kidding but she actually didn't know the answer. Things she thought were "dumb" weren't dumb at all... She would borrow things or use things and just leave it as is, she would break something and never say a word. She would use the last of something and not tell anyone. Some of the stuff was unsanitary too, she used my razor to shave and because we both got our belly button pierced would just dip her belly button ring in neosporin instead of using a q-tip.We had rules and she would constantly break them, she had no respect for anyone or herself. I quickly learned that this is how most of my peers were and honestly, it's sad!
    It made me think, how am I suppose to relate to people my age? After freshman year in high school I never dated anyone my age, the closest was a year older just because people my age are so immature. I'm pretty sure a good percentage of them have been through rough times, so have I, so has this girl, but I wouldn't act the way they/she act, I would come out fighting, trying my best, not being a bump on a log... It's so hard for me to be mean to someone, yet people hold grudges and be mean just to be mean. Some say it's to gain respect, others do it just because everyone else does it. Are you serious? They refuse to listen to authority, how are you going to survive in life? You need and education and/or a job so there's going to be someone in charge of you regardless. When I try to hang out with people my age half the time they just gossip, I think it's pointless! Who cares what she and him are doing? Who cares what you heard that wasn't directly from that person's mouth? Yeah sometimes its nice or a need to know base but half the time it's not.
  Now I'm not saying everyone is like that, I've met some really sweet genuine people my age and some that are my best friends and they are awesome. You know why?? Because they are their self no matter what. They don't care what is "cool" they rather be comfortable being who they know how to be. Instead of living up to the way society tries to tell us. I really think there needs to be more realness... if that's even a word... today. Yes everyone isn't going to get a long but maybe if we focused on being our self more and less on how the world can accept us, we will be accepted and find out niche we belong to. I'm not saying that this will fix everything or even anything but i feel the less we hide, the more we have to gain.